


Get Older

by ellieoh



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-03-30 09:44:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3932158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellieoh/pseuds/ellieoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily is having something of a breakdown, unsure of where she fits as graduation looms closer. Severus is quiet, taking his new lonesomeness in stride. Can a simple, accidental meeting reunite old friends? Or will their lives continue to get in the way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Baby-slow burn. Some drama. Obviously cannon divergent, a bit AU. Always Lily/Sev.

She slammed the front door behind her, fuming as she stalked away from her home and down the street towards the trees, not really consciously aware of where she was headed. She was angry – beyond angry! – she was down right irate. She let out an frustrated growl as she made her way down the street, stomping her feet with every step she took.

God, why did her sister have to be such a bitch?

Because that's what Petunia Grace Evans was – a bitch. A big, nasty, old bitch.

She sighed, it didn't really make her feel any better tearing her older sister down, that was Petunia's game, not Lily's.

She continued on her trek, walking and thinking, angrily strutting down the street. The neighbors that resided outside on the hot summer day just stared at her, most likely going to gossip about her later to the other adults. They already talked about her a great deal, she might as well actually give them something to talk about.

She just...hated it.

She hated it here, hated the neighborhood of Wiltingham where they lived, hated this part of town. She hated the suspicious glances and the untrusting gleam in the eyes of the people that lived around her. She hated the muggles almost as much as she hated the purebloods.

She hated everything.

She let out a deep breath, usually she wan't this melodramatic or emotional. She was level headed and respected both sides to every story, she was reasonable. But, seemingly, not today.

Petunia just tried her sometimes, kept pestering and picking until finally Lily exploded. That's what her sister wanted, she wanted Lily to jump off the deep end, Petunia wanted to prove to their parents that she didn't belong here anymore. And, maybe her sister was right. Maybe she didn't belong here anymore.

It made her chest heavy at the thought.

She wished things had worked out better with Petunia, she really had. For as big of a bitch as she sister could be, Petunia was lovely and loyal, and she just missed her terribly. Petunia had used to be her best friend, she was the one Lily went to for advice, for support, for answers. Lily used to do everything in her power to make her older sister laugh, and anything to make her proud. They had been so close once, and now, it was like Lily didn't even know her anymore. She didn't know her, she knew nothing about her.

Lily knew that it was Severus and Hogwarts that had broken them apart, but it wasn't Sev's fault, it wasn't Dumbledore's fault. It wasn't anyones. But, Petunia didn't see it that way.

Her sister had been jealous, and sad, that Lily was special, and that she was leaving. She got that, she really did understand. But, it wasn't her fault! It wasn't her fault for being a witch and for Petunia being only a muggle. Couldn't her sister see that? She wished it had been different, she wished Petunia had been born with magical abilities – or, that she hadn't been born with any at all – maybe then they would've remained close.

Lily recalled the moment before going through the platform for her first year of school, she had asked Petunia if she was mad at her. Her sister had hesitantly said no, Lily had shrugged it off and hugged her tighter than she had ever hugged Tuney before. She had really thought that everything would be alright, that her sister would be okay. But, then Christmas came and Petunia had seemed distant. Then Easter, and no letter had been sent from her. And when Lily had returned home for the summer, Petunia had narrowed her gaze and turned up her nose, ignoring and sassing Lily all at once.

That had been the end of their relationship, there was no fixing it after that, Petunia hadn't wanted it to.

So, Lily just accepted her sister's new attitude towards her, expected the way their old friends now looked at her. She let the silences be awkward, or hostile, whatever Petunia wanted, Petunia got. It was just easier that way.

But, sometimes, Lily just couldn't stand the cold looks or the snide remarks. Like today, Petunia had just gone too far.

She had been sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea and catching up on her summer reading when her sister and her friend waltzed in. Petunia had ignored her, as usual, chattering away to a friend that Lily knew as Moira – some girl who was popular in the London socialite scene, that Petunia was trying extremely hard to make her way into.

Lily had ignored them, not wanting to bother her sister and the girl she was trying desperately to impress, she just kept on reading her book, hoping they wouldn't ask what it was about. She would've just left the room entirely, but she had been waiting on her toast and didn't really want to leave just because Petunia had given her a heated glare when they had first walked in.

Her toast had popped up, and Petunia grabbed it, put it on a plate, and offered it to Moira. The girl declined, and instead, Petunia started to eat it. Lily hadn't been able to stop herself, she knew it was just toast, but the nerve of her sister, smiling as she tore off a piece and put it in her mouth, taunting Lily, daring her.

“Hey, Tune.” Lily stood from the table, walking over towards the counter where Petunia stood. “Can I have my toast, please.”

“Why don't you just charm yourself up another one?” Petunia coyly replied.

Lily narrowed her gaze at Petunia before turning to her friend, Moira. “Sorry about her,” Lily nodded towards Petunia. “She has this wacky notion that magic is real,” Lily snorted and shrugged her shoulders, acting like her sister was the bizarre one and taking a piece of her toast from the plate.

“God, Lily, don't be such a cow. It's not like you need it anyway.” Petunia smirked, her tone boastful. Moira chuckled and she looked Lily up and down, agreeing with her sister.

Lily narrowed her eyes at Petunia, glancing at her. Her sister was looking a little gaunt, slimmer than she had been in a long while – not that Petunia had ever been heavy by any means – but, this was certainly the smallest she'd ever been. Except maybe as a ten year old.

Petunia barely ate recently, even her Mother commenting on it. Her high cheekbones stuck out more – in a way that Petunia thought looked regal, even thought it just made her look underfed. She was tall, and the apparent weight loss made her look more bird-like, frail. Her waist was very tiny, her hips slim, her bust small. Basically, she looked like a twelve year old boy.

They looked nothing alike, they never really had, but when they were young there was a strong Evans resemblance between them. Now, there was nothing. Petunia's hair had gotten darker as she got older, where it used to be a light blonde, it was now a dark honey blonde. Her eyes were still a dark green, her complexion still fair and free of freckles – on her face, anyway. But, she just didn't look like her sister anymore, they barely looked related.

And, now with Petunia's ever shrinking body fat, Lily didn't think they ever would.

Lily just smirked, shrugging a shoulder and grabbing the plate out of Petunia's hands. “Well, at least I don't look like the twelve year old version of a certain boy from Spinner's End.”

Petunia gasped, her mouth dropping open at the audacity of her younger sister. Moira had looked away, seemingly embarrassed for Petunia. Everyone knew about Sev, even if they didn't know him personally. Petunia had a habit of talking about her “weird sister” and her “equally as weird friend from Spinner's End”. Lily was sure Moira knew all about Severus, about how gaunt and poorly dressed he was, dirty and rubbish in every way. Take that, Tuney. Take. That.

“Why you little witch.”

“Watch what you say dear, there are always people listening.”

Petunia knew that if she said anything about Lily being a witch or going to Hogwarts that something, well, not good would happen. Lily really didn't have to worry about it, seeing as the mere mortification was enough to keep her sister silent. She didn't like having a freak for a sister, and she certainly didn't want people knowing just how much of an actual freak Lily was.

Petunia grabbed Lily's arm and dragged her into the living room, closing the kitchen door behind her. She pushed Lily further into the room, pointing her finger into Lily's chest. “Listen here, you rude little ingrate. This is my chance at a normal, high society life. I won't let you ruin this for me. Not like you've ruined everything else.”

Lily started at her sister, mouth dropping in astonishment. “I ruined everything?” She shook her head, “Are you serious?”

Petunia folded her arms across her chest and stared at Lily in a disapproving manner. For someone who was two years older than her, Petunia looked like such a child in that moment. “Don't play coy, Lily. It doesn't become you.”

“I'm not playing coy, Petunia. I've never done anything to you, let alone ruin your life.” Her voice was cross, her eyes narrowed.

“And what do you call being whisked away to that school at the end of primary and not ever returning except for summer time?” Petunia's voice was hushed incase Moira was listening, and Lily couldn't tell if it was because of her sister's embarrassment or Lily's modesty. “Or abandoning all of your old friends for your freakish ones?”

Lily's voice dropped, this probably wasn't the best time to be having this argument, or getting this personal, but she knew in that last statement that Petunia wasn't only speaking of her primary school friends. “Tune, I'm sorry. But, what was I suppose to do? Not go?”

“Yes. You were suppose to stay here and be normal like the rest of us.”

“I am normal.” Lily's voice was small when she said this, confused why Petunia would even bring it up.

Petunia laughed bitterly, “No. You're not.” She uncrossed her arms, letting them reside on her hips in an offensive stance. “You can play pretend with everyone else, Lily, but you can't play pretend with me. You're a freak, and you'll always be one.”

“And you're a bitch.” Lily just couldn't take it anymore, she was done playing Petunia's game, if this was how she wanted it, this was how it was going to be. “And everyone knows it. You can keep pretending and parading around with people like Moira, but we all know. You'll never get anywhere in life because people don't like you. You're vain, conceited, and stuck up, you care more about appearances than the people who care about you.”

With that, Lily had turned on her heel and stormed out of the house, not even giving Petunia time to react and slamming the front door behind her in the process. Now here she was, walking. And fuming. And she was pretty sure she was talking angrily to herself, so now she was certifiably crazy.

She let out a deep sigh, letting some of her anger melt. 

Why?

Why, did her sister have to hate her so?

Why couldn't her parents see the disdain between them? 

Why did everything just suck so much?

She stomped through the small woods, cracking branches beneath her old trainers. She hadn't even realized that she had made her way down to the rocky bank of the small lake that she used to spend all her time at. With Severus.

Great, just what she needed, even more heartbreak on her already loaded mind.

She trudged along anyway, deciding that she didn't care, bringing herself down to the shore anyway. She was stomping and breathing heavily, stopping only once she got to the waters bank, staring out over the expanse of the small lake. She let out a great sigh, hoping that the quietness of the little isle would sooth her angry mind and heart. She tried to let her anger melt fully, but truly hoped it didn't turn to tears. She wouldn't cry over Petunia's meanness, it just wasn't worth it. She turned to sit in the spot she always occupied and literally stalled mid-step when she saw him.

There he was, there was Severus.

In all of his delightfully, brooding glory. There he was.

He was sitting casually on the ground, his long legs drawn up, his arms resting on his knees as he fiddled with the wand in his hands. He looked up at her with easy eyes, regarding her not as a scorned enemy, yet not as a friend either. He just looked so normal to her suddenly, like nothing had ever transpired between them, not even their friendship. He almost looked like a casual acquaintance. It made her head hurt.

He looked older to her suddenly, even though she'd seen him around school last year, for some reason he just looked so different. His hair was a tad shorter than it had been at the end of term, clearly his Mother had coaxed him into getting a trim – even if it was only a tiny one. It was all pushed to one side, like he had ran his hand through it and haphazardly tossed it out of the way, which left his face exposed in the afternoon sun. It was the best look at his face that she'd had in years. His face which managed to look old and young all at once, was creating a strange feeling in her chest as she looked upon him.

His dark eyes were blank, not in the harsh way that she had seen them, just a bored sort of nothingness as they stared up at her. He was dressed in muggle clothes, an olive green t-shirt and some ripped jeans, once again, startlingly normal.

“Hey?”

Her breathing was labored from her angry strut and it was clear in her tone that she had been taken off guard by seeing him. He did manage a mild shocked look in his eyes when she had first approached, but it was gone as soon as it came, excepting the fact that she was standing before him, breathing heavy and looking like she was about to combust.

“Hello.” 

He looked her over, she was very clearly in a state. He could tell she was angry by the strut-ful gait she had when she stormed down the path, not even noticing him. It was the labored breathing and the heated blush that covered her neck that really tipped him off.

He tried not to delve deeper in the memory that was Lily's idiosyncrasies, he had – somehow easily – pushed a lot of her from his mind when she had rejected his apology and didn't like dwelling on things he couldn't change. He wasn't mad at her, he knew Lily, she was going to be pissed for as long as she was going to be pissed and then she'd come around. He knew the drill, he had watched it happen with her girl friends over the years. He hadn't expected it to be this long, but he was steadfast in his ability to not care – or, at least, he had become.

Standing before him gave him the opportunity to glance her over in a way that he was not so graciously afforded in school. She was wearing a striped t-shirt and a pair of high-waisted shorts, trainers on her feet and her hair was up in a ponytail. She looked normal. She looked...like, Lily.

“What's wrong.”

It wasn't asked as a question, but it also wasn't said as a statement. She wasn't entirely sure if he was actually interested or if he was falling back into old patterns and felt like he needed to be her therapist. 

She found herself walking towards him anyway, not even thinking about it. Was she mad at him? Was she suppose to be mad at him? She wasn't exactly sure what was going on right now, she hadn't spoken to him in a whole year in her stubbornness, but she found herself not even thinking about it as she sat herself beside him on the ground.

She brought her knees up to her chest, looking out at the sky over the lake. “It's, Petunia.”

“Isn't it always?”

She turned to look at him, his dark eyes still held the same blank-boredom as before. They were both just being so casual. It felt strange, but she wasn't fighting it, it was what it was. She had missed him, even though she didn't normally let herself dig that deep inside of her. But she did, she did miss him as she was realizing now.

She decided to just, let it be. What ever this was, whatever they were doing, her mind was already on overdrive, she was just going to let it happen and let the chips fall where they may.

“It's different this time. She didn't just ignore me or call me a freak. She crossed a line, and so did I.” She looked away from his gaze, how was she being so calm about all of this? She brought her eyes back to his, “I think our relationship is really over.”

He gave a nod, keeping her gaze. “Hasn't it been over for a while now?”

“Yeah, but not like this. I really think that this is the end of us having any sort of connection.” Lily shook her head, looking lost. “I hate her. I really do.”

That was new. Lily didn't hate anyone, she was stubborn and got in a right state quickly, but she wasn't one to hate. He knew that better than anyone. She was level headed and even keel, he never thought she'd have it in her to actually hate, especially her own sister. 

Now Severus, he hated Petunia. He thought she was a bitch who didn't know how to keep her mouth shut. Petunia had been the bane of his nine year old existence and continued to ruin everything as they got older. But, Lily had always defended her sister, had always tried to make him understand. He didn't, because he didn't have any siblings, he didn't understand that bond to another person that is part of your biological makeup. So, no matter how mean or cruel or vile Petunia was to Lily or himself, she always managed to come up with some excuse as to why Petunia was being such a bitch.

Apparently now things were different. Something happened to really make Lily see what was going on inside of her sister's mind. And now, Lily wanted nothing more to do with Petunia, and he had a guess that the feeling was mutual.

“What happened?”

Lily shrugged a shoulder, looking up at the clear sky. Her breathing was even, her temper had mostly subsided. It was very calm between them – that was the only way she could describe it, calm.

“She had a friend over, we started a fight over toast, she called me fat – so I told her she looked like an underfed twelve year old boy.” She left out the part about calling her Severus, she had a feeling that he wouldn't appreciate that. “She pushed me into the other room, attacked me about going to Hogwarts and ruining her life, told me that I wasn't normal and that I'd never be. Which...I guess is true.”

 

“What makes you think that?” He looked at her with suddenly serious eyes. “You are normal.” She liked the way his dark eyes stayed glued to her's, it made her feel. “The only thing abnormal about you is your insane love for that horrid Kate Bush song.”

Lily couldn't help the smile that fell onto her face or the bark of laughter that bubbled up, she shook her head, still smiling. “It's a great song.”

Severus, still serious, shook his head, “No. No it's not.”

“Yes it is! She's serenading Heathcliff as Catherine from Wuthering Heights. It's genius.”

“Absolutely not.”

Her laughing subsided and she took to just smiling back at the blank Severus. This was more them, well the old them. She liked it. It was strange how easy it was to fall right back into step with him, even after not speaking for a year – had it really been a whole year? – it was natural, like second nature. They had been friends for so long before that, she'd known him since she was nine years old, spent all her empty days with him. Surely one year off from their friendship couldn't have changed any of that, and it appeared it hadn't.

Now, that struck her.

How could she let herself fall so comfortably casual with him after she'd sworn him off? Did she want to forget about it? Did she want to be friends with him again?

Deep down she did, she missed him. Just because she was mad at him didn't mean she stopped caring about him. She was just stubborn, she didn't want to admit that she might've taken it too far.

She wondered if he missed her too.

From the way he was regarding her this whole time, he seemed undecided. That, or she really couldn't tell, which bothered her immensely.

“Though, I wasn't the innocent one in that scenario. I did call her a bitch to her face, I basically told her that she was rude and conceited, and that nobody would ever like her.” She shook her head and let out a sigh. “I'm no better than she is.” He regarded her in kind, taking in what she said, his eyes never leaving her. She couldn't read him and that bothered her. “So, what should I do about, Petunia?”

Severus shrugged a shoulder, they were still haunched, his knees still up. “What do you want to do about it? Do you want to forgive her?”

“No.” The answer was immediate, Lily wasn't even sure if that was truly what she wanted. She instead took a moment to think about it before answering again. “I don't know. She's put me in a position that I don't know how to get out of. I'm not sure how to move on from here. Do I forgive her and try, very desperately, to patch up our relationship against her will? Or do I just let it be? Let her be angry, let me be angry, and just...” She sighed, bringing her bright eyes up to meet his. “Let her go.”

He felt a strange stirring in his chest at this conversation – at this whole meeting, actually. It was bizarre to be here with her. To talk so softly and casually, to have everything feel so calm. He liked teasing her and making her laugh, it reminded him of how lonely he'd been this past year without her. Despite popular belief, he did have friends, he was mildly – alright, not really – content with his life as a nobody, he didn't need Lily and her delightful charm. He wanted it. That was the distinction that people couldn't make. He wanted Lily in his life because he liked her there, because he wanted her around.

She had been his best friend, he had told her everything. The same went for her, he knew more about her than anyone ever would, including Potter.

But, she had made a decision a year ago, she was mad at him. That was her decision. She was mad at him and she was going to stay that way for as long as she pleased. She hadn't accepted his apology, she had ignored him and left him to be whoever he wanted without her. She hadn't sneered at him in the hall with the Marauders or started calling him names or anything of the sort. She had just chosen to stick to herself, be alone for a while. And she had, she had spent the year without him, but she had also spent the year without anyone.

Lily had taken to spending time alone last year, claiming that she just needed space from everyone – mostly including him. Potter took it as a chance to slip in undetected, but she didn't hang around with them either. For the whole year he only saw her with Alice, the small blonde was the only friend that Lily had let into her self-proclaimed year of peace. He was happy for her, and he was happy that he hadn't been the only one excluded from her graces. He supposed that's what made the blow of their friendship crumbling a little less severe. She hadn't left him for someone else, for another group who was better and more popular than the likes of him. She was fair in her cold shoulders. He guessed, for whatever reason, she was now coming around.

He wasn't quite sure what to expect though, were they friends again? Did this meeting count as such? They hadn't really talked about them, so he was very unsure. But, the real question that was burning at the back of his mind was, did he even want this?

It might've sounded strange, clearly he still cared for her. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to go down this road again, not if it would only lead to disappointment.

He cleared his throat, bringing his eyes back up to meet her's. “You have to do what feels right, Lily.” She liked the way he said her name. She hadn't heard it come from his mouth in so long. “If you've had enough, then let it be. Your relationship might be too far gone to save.”

He was right, it might be too far gone to save. “Yeah.” She said thoughtfully, desperately.

“Or,” He fiddled with the wand in his hands. “You can try and repair what's broken. But, it's all up to you.”

She looked away from his intense gaze, bringing her eyes up to the open sky, looking at all the passing clouds. She let out a long sigh that she hadn't know she'd been holding in, the silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. “I'm sorry.” She turned to face him, her eyes held a sadness he wasn't used to seeing. She whispered this time, “I'm sorry.” He held her quiet gaze and nodded silently. She perked up a little more than she had just been, clearing her throat. “Thank you, Sev – for talking with me.”

He nodded again, “I do what I can.”

She stood suddenly, leaving their small little world that had been created when she sat down. She brushed off her shorts, making sure her wand was still in her back pocket. She turned towards him, still calm but less somber than she had just been during her apology. “I should get back and figure out this whole...situation.”

“Yeah.”

She bit at her lower lip – a tell tale sign she wasn't sure of what she was about to do. This should be interesting.

“Would you – ” She paused, unsure of herself. She continued on anyway. “Do you want to meet up tomorrow? I'd like to catch up with you, if that's alright.”

He was taken aback at her invitation. He hadn't thought that this meant anything, and he had just assumed that she hadn't either. He answered before he could stop himself. “I'd like that.”

She nodded, something returning to her eyes that he hadn't noticed she'd been missing. “I'll see you tomorrow then.”

He nodded curtly and watched her go, following her figure through the trees as long as his line of sight would let him. What had just happened? 

He stood a few minutes after Lily had departed, wiping the sand from his jeans and turning through the small forrest towards his home. All the while trying not to analyze what the strange meeting that had just occurred meant, or on the fact that he was meeting up with Lily again tomorrow. And, he tried desperately hard not to concentrate on the fact that she had called him, Sev.

What in the world was going on with today?


	2. Chapter 2

She had woken up exceptionally early this morning, probably due to the sheer magnitude of her meeting with Severus last night and the fact that he would be gracing her presence later today. It had been a rough night and she was still so tired, but that didn't stop her body from waking her up at the crack of dawn and proceeding to keep her awake even after she went to the bathroom and laid back down. So, she had gotten up and started cleaning her room – something she never did while home – all the while trying not to think about her fight with Petunia.

After she had gotten home from her forrest rendezvous with Severus, things had taken a turn for the worst. She hadn't been expecting to walk into Petunia hollering on about how much of an ungrateful toad she was to their parents. She had walked into the house calm after after her long talk with Sev, sure that she was doing the right thing. Although, she was half hoping that Petunia would be gone or that her parents wouldn't be home. Of course, they were home. They all were.

She understood that Petunia was mad, hell, even Lily was still mad. But, she knew for the sake of the preserving the last remains of a relationship with her sister, Lily had to do the right thing. She had to try and make Petunia understand, and she had to apologize.

Lily had walked into the living room, closing the front door behind her, hearing the yelling coming from the kitchen. Petunia was ratting her out to her parents, and not telling the whole side of the story. That's what she hated about Petunia, her sister was never fully honest, she always had to make a case of how poor and pitiful she was compared to Lily or the other girls at school that didn't like her. She could never just tell the whole truth and try to get her point across after that.

Lily walked calmly into the kitchen, she tried very hard to hold her anger back. Her parents were sitting at the table, listening intently to Petunia's words, they hadn't even noticed Lily enter.

“She's ungrateful and rude! It's like she's learned no manners at all! It's that school, Mother, I'm telling you – ”

Lily cut her off then, “Really, Tune, you're the one who started this whole ordeal because you were trying to impress, Moira!”

Petunia scoffed, a small blush rising from her neck to her cheeks at being caught talking shit behind Lily's back. “How dare you accuse me of starting this? You're the one who called me anorexic in front of someone very important to my new life!”

“I mean, you are, but I never said that! I said that you looked like an underfed twelve year old.”

“Boy. An underfed twelve year old boy from Spinner's End.”

She could hear she Mother's small gasp, “Lily.” She said in that disapproving manner. She knew though that it wasn't because she had said that about Petunia, but because she had said something negative about Severus.

Her parents absolutely adored Severus, everything about him they found either charming or pitiful. When he had showed up one day, trailing behind her in and oversized shirt and downcast eyes, Dahlia Evans had just looked at him with big doe eyes and made him the biggest sandwich she had ever made. They had felt bad for Sev, all of them had – save Petunia who had disliked him from the start. But then, their pity had turned to genuine care, because it was sincerely evident that his parents didn't. 

So, as the years went on, Severus Snape had become as much as a staple in the Evans household as Lily herself. Her Mother made him baked goods for the holidays, sending them to him with Lily's owl. Dahlia even sent him letters from time to time, just to see how he was fairing. Her parents hadn't really taken it well when she told them that she and Severus were no longer friends. She had explained the situation to her Mother and Dahlia seemed to understand it more, but she had told Lily that people change, how you feel about them would change, but loving someone never does. Lily hadn't understood it at them time – still angry and solemn about the whole ordeal – but, it was making more sense now.

“Okay, I did say that. I'm sorry. But, you called me fat, and started implying things about me being a witch – which you know you're not allowed to do!” She turned to her Mum and Dad, “Look, I think this situation has just gotten way out of hand. I said things that were very hurtful and I'm sorry, Petunia.”

She looked at her sister, a sincere apology in her gaze. Petunia still had her arms crossed over her chest, a sour look on her face, her eyes narrowed. “Oh, bravo, Lily. Once again, trying to defuse the situation and make yourself look good while I look like the rude cow.”

Lily rolled her eyes and let out a sigh, this was starting to become the same fight they had over and over again. “That's not what's happening, Petunia. I'm apologizing for the things I said. Shouldn't you be doing the same?”

Okay, so maybe her attitude needed to be checked a bit, but seriously, Petunia needed to get over herself.

“No. I'm not sorry for the things I said. They're true. You're a freak and you don't belong here. Now, stay out of my life!”

With that, Petunia stormed out of the kitchen and stomped up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door for dramatic effect. And that had been the end of that, no more trying to make peace with Petunia, maybe in another year or so Lily'd give it a go.

So, after spending the rest of her day ignoring everyone around her, she had slept like complete shit and woke up at the crack of dawn. She had cleaned her whole bedroom, started her laundry, and organized her trunk for school – which, was like still a month away. With nothing else left to do, she went downstairs to the kitchen.

Her Mother was there starting breakfast, like the amazing part-time housewife that she was. Lily walked into the room and sat down at the kitchen table, listening to her Mother's low singing and humming, loving the soothing effect it had on her. Dahlia turned to face her daughter who was surprisingly up at this early hour – much to her own surprise. Lily looked worn, tired, nervous. She set a cup of tea down in front of her.

“What's wrong, darling?”

Lily just shrugged a shoulder, unsure if she wanted to let her Mum in on her meeting with Severus just yet. “Just...everything.”

Dahlia nodded, “I know what you mean, sugarbabe.”

She smiled at her Mother's nicknames, she loved when her Mum called her them, it made her feel special and small all at once. “I'm just tired.”

Her Mother nodded, “I'll bet. I'm surprised to see you rise this early, usually I have to pry you with all my might to be up three hours from now.”

Dahlia set down some toast in front of Lily, sitting down across from her. Lily avoided her Mother's gaze, she knew that her Mother would be able to tell that something was up other than Petunia. “Sorry about the fight yesterday.”

“What is going on with you two? It's like every time I turn around you two are at each other's throats.”

Lily nodded, “We're just...different. And Petunia hates it.”

“She shouldn't be so hard on you. But,” She commanded Lily's gaze with her tone, looking seriously into Lily's deep green eyes. “You shouldn't be so hard on her either.”

Lily kept her Mother's gaze, knowing what she said was true. But, didn't she see how hard it was for the two of them to get along? “We're not little girls anymore, Mum. I don't think we can fix this with a batch of cookies.”

Dahlia just have her youngest daughter a sad smile, “But, you can try.”

Lily just nodded, accepting her Mother's statement. She wanted, needed, someone to talk to about this whole Sev thing, she figured now would be as good a time as any. Lily just didn't want her Mum to get too swept up in the notion of Severus coming around again.

“I met with Severus yesterday.”

Her Mother's eyes lit up, mild shock entered her features. “Really, now?”

Lily nodded, “Yeah. After Petunia and I fought, I left the house and made my way to the lake. He was there, and we just...started talking.” Lily played with the spoon in her teacup for a moment. “I asked him to meet me today, so we could talk.”

“Well, that's great, Lily.” Her Mother truly meant it. “I hope it works out for you two.”

Lily didn't say anything after that, she wasn't sure what to say. Or, what to feel. She was still unsure of the whole scenario, unsure of what she was doing. She hadn't really taken a moment to figure out her feelings on the subject of her friendship and exile of Severus Snape, too caught up in her fury and heartbreak over Petunia. Now that she was thinking about it, she felt like the world was collapsing in on itself. She felt anxious, confused, unsure. She wasn't confident in her emotions or thoughts, she wasn't sure what was the right choice or the wrong.

She stopped her relationship with Severus for a reason, actually, a multitude of reasons – the most obvious and evident would be that he had called her a Mudblood. He had used that filthy, degrading word against her, his tone suggesting that she was nothing more than that, effectively becoming the very type of person that he often defended her against.

And, while yes, that was a big part of why she hadn't accepted his apology, it wasn't the only reason.

Slowly, she had watched him fall deeper into the crowd that she had been trying desperately to keep him from – the truly evil kids, that just happened to also be placed in Slytherin. He had gotten into with the likes of Mulciber and Wilkes, the brutes didn't even bother to bully anyone at Hogwarts like James and Sirius did, because they knew that one day they'd become serial killers and all they'd have to do was bide their time by flying under the radar. At least, that was her theory, anyway.

She was afraid for him, she was afraid that he'd ignore her and fall into the crowd that belonged to the new uprising of this Voldemort character and then Severus would be lost for good. She was unsure of how to help him, of how to keep him from falling down that particular rabbit hole. She had tried, and once he started mysteriously leaving with them on his free period, she was certain that she had failed him. The Mudblood slip was just the icing on the cake, it was an easy out – one that she was seriously affected and hurt by, but easy nonetheless.

She had decided to cut her losses with him and see what happened. He had hurt her, she had cried over him. She thought that he deserved the same pain, which was why she didn't accept that purely heart-wrenching apology of his. He needed to know how much his party-foul had hurt her, and now he did.

She hadn't made the conscious choice not to see him over the summer or for the whole of their Sixth year, it had just sort of ended up happening that way. She had just decided not to care anymore. She was the fixer, the problem solver, there wasn't a task her witty mind couldn't accomplish in her naïve determination. But, for the year and a half that she had voluntarily checked out from, she decided that the world could do without Lily Evans for a while. She had spent the year flying under the radar, her grades still spectacular, her Prefect duties taken care of, but her social life was close to nonexistent.

She had completely planned on spending her time all alone, but little Alice Perricot wasn't going to let that happen. 

Alice had been in her group of friends since first year, but often being overshadowed by the likes of Emmeline, Mary and Marlene – who had deemed themselves the most important and grand of the Gryffindor girls. But that wasn't true, it was Alice that was the truest Gryffindor of them all and Lily's real confidante in that circle of friends. There was just something about Alice that exuded love and understanding, she never questioned Lily's judgement or decisions unless she really though that Lily was wrong. Like the night that Severus had come to apologize, Mary had been the one to deliver the message that he was planning on sleeping there in the hall if she wouldn't come out, but it had been Alice that had convinced her to talk to him. And it had been Alice who had cuddled with her as she cried, soothing away Lily's worries with sincere eyes and whispers of how they could make it better. Alice was truly the best friend she'd ever had – aside from Severus, but that was like comparing oil and water.

Her relationship with Severus had always been different than her relationships with everyone else, she had known him for almost half her life, they had told each other things that no one else would ever know. It was just different, it wasn't even worth comparing because it was something entirely of it's known. And Alice knew that, and even better, Alice understood it.

She loved Alice, she really did. She wasn't entirely sure what she would've done the past year if it hadn't been for the girl. Probably wallow in despair until she did something astoundingly stupid – which, if she was being honest with herself did happen.

Her other friends – mainly Marlene and Mary – hadn't taken it too kindly to being pushed out of the spotlight that usually trailed behind the group wherever they went, with Lily running undercover they were forced to try and make their own way. Emmeline hadn't cared all that much, she took Lily's absence from their group in stride, realizing that it didn't mean the end of the Glorious Gryffindor Gals – as they liked to call themselves – just a short time out. Emmeline had been a good friend as well, she just popped up in the Library or in Lily's free period from time to time, chatting and catching up on the goings on, studying and laughing. Emme was good like that, just taking things as they were and powering through. She'd make a great Auror, Lily was sure of it.

Marlene and Mary were just different from the rest of their group it seemed, they liked being popular, they liked the attention from the boys and the teachers. Their group was revered by most, they were beautiful and peppy, bright and determined. The teachers adored them, their classmates loved them, and everyone else tolerated them. Lily knew it to be true. 

Marlene was very much the leader of their friends, as much as they all followed Lily, they all followed Marlene as well. She was blonde and beautiful with a spirit that rivaled that of an untamed wolf. Lily loved Marlene, she did, the girl was always down for something fun and adventurous – which was why she was a favorite amongst the Marauders, and most boys in general. But, the blonde wasn't always one to calm it down or take things seriously, and that seemed to be a problem from time to time.

Mary was...cunning. She was fun and sparky, but she also held a rudeness to her that most others didn't. Lily was certain that the sorting hat may have had a hard time decided between Gryffindor and Slytherin with Mary MacDonald – regardless of her bloodline. She was mad that Lily had remained friends with Severus for so long, she was always talking about how evil the Slytherins were, always trying to persuade Lily to ditch Snape while she still had time. Lily knew that part of it was how Mulciber treated her, he had a soft spot for Mary – and by soft, Lily meant twisted desire – so she tried to take Mary's attitude and critiques in stride. Lily liked Mary, she was her friend, but she found that she was glad that she had time to separate herself a bit from the girl.

So while she had taken a rest from her friends, that of course didn't mean that somehow she didn't fuck things up. Because she did, she always did.

Alice was always there for her, giving her space when she needed it but had been persistent enough to stick it out even when Lily had tried to evade her. The girls had backed up – for the most part. Severus had given up. Her teachers tolerated her less than stellar effort in class, and her parents never said a word. But, James Potter? Well, he had never been known to back down easily.

He had snuck up on her in a way that she found surprising, not at all in a James-like fashion. He was blunt and open, his plans always laid out for everyone to see even before he had fully hashed them out. There wasn't a sneaky bone in his body – devious, yes, but sneaky, no. So, when he had manged to slip in undetected through her zoned out mind, not even realizing that he had been there in the first place, it freaked her out. In a big way.

She had been so used to avoiding and dodging James and his grotesque attempts to woo her, it was like second nature to her now. But, he had somehow ended up closing in on her with actual conversation and no signs of flirting. It had scared her how easy it had been to be with him. He was effortless, simple, it had been uncomplicated and undemanding. And best of all, it had been quiet, secret.

She tried not to dwell on it for too long, feelings her chest get heavy and her stomach plummet at the thought. She stood from the table, giving her Mum a quick smile before going back upstairs to her room. She looked around her now immaculate room, trying to find something to take her mind off everything, but of course, finding nothing. She grabbed some clean clothes and decided to take a shower.

She let the warm water run over her, her mind straying once again to Severus. She was...excited to meet with him. And it struck her hard.

She hadn't been expecting that, she hadn't expected to be excited to talk with him. But, she was. She had spent so much time being indifferent, being angry or annoyed, that she hadn't even realized that she wasn't consumed by it anymore. She was upset with him, she didn't think that would really change – not until she really spoke to him and gave them both a chance to get things off their chests. But, she was no longer mad at him, and that struck her.

He had called her a filthy name. He had treated her with every ounce of self-loathing and anger that he saved for the Marauders. He had taken out his anger on her in a time when she least deserved it. 

But, he had apologized, profusely. He had stepped out of his comfort zone and done something very un-Severus like. He had shown her the depth of his regret, the sheer magnitude of his emotions that he kept bottled up. He had expressed his acknowledgment of the offense and failure as her best friend. He knew he had been wrong.

The problem was that she hadn't realized that she had been wrong too.

It had taken her a year of stubbornly not thinking about it to finally have the revelation. She had been wrong. She had been a bad friend. She deserved the year out of his company as much as he did.

And, it had not been an easy pill to swallow. 

She hadn't spoken to anyone about her epiphany, not Alice, not her Mother, not even Severus himself. She wondered if today would be the right time to let him know, it had to be, right? He had to know that she wasn't a complete bitch, that she knew that she was also a guilty party in the fifth year catastrophe. She let out a sigh, confusion clouding her mind. She felt as though she wasn't sure of anything anymore.

She bit her lip as she rinsed the conditioner from her hair. She closed her eyes and felt herself relax under the hot water, she tried to clear her mind, if only for a moment. It was steamy and warm from the hot water, she felt cocooned, protected in the confines of her shower. She ran her hands over her arms, over her chest, down her stomach, rinsing the soap from her body. She stopped for a moment, resting her hands on the smooth skin at the bottom of her stomach, opening her eyes.

He looked different, Severus. He still managed to look the same in a way, still pulling off the brooding introvert extremely well. But, he looked different. He was taller, maintaining a normal weight instead of teetering on the verge of starvation as he once had when he was young. His hair was wilder than she had ever remembered seeing it, even in childhood his hair had always been lanky and laid straight, but now it was a tad unruly – or, maybe that had just been the wind. She wasn't sure.

There was something else about him that she couldn't quite pinpoint, something else that had her mind churning over. What was it? What was it that was different?

She recalled the intense stare he had given her, which had been a severe dose of the normalcy she had once had. He used to look at her like that all the time, it was a look she couldn't read, still never figuring it out. But, she had given her that look all the same, and it was something that she liked. She liked his looks, she liked when he looked at her.

She wasn't entirely sure why either. God, was she entirely sure about anything? Could she manage to figure anything out?

She let out a moan, pleasure shocking her out of her thoughts. She looked down, how had she been so consumed in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed her hand between her thighs? Wow, she was out of it today. Clearly she needed to go back to sleep.

She bit at her lip and decided to keep going, she was already in the middle, why not finish. She closed her eyes again and leaned her head back against the cool tile, letting her fingers make quick work of her slick center. She thought about intense stares, piercing gazes, the way they made goosebumps erupt over her skin. She moved her fingers a little harder, a little faster, her other hand coming to rub against her clit, hoping the friction would set her over the edge. It did and she slumped against the tile wall, her breathing heavy, letting the warm water run over her spent body. 

Where had that come from?

She lingered under the hot spray for a while longer before shutting it off completely. She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying herself off. But seriously, where the hell had that come from? She knew that her thoughts hadn't been about James or David Bowie or any of the cute boys she knew or celebrities she thought of. She knew who had been on her mind, whose intense stare she had been imagining. She stopped the line of thought immediately, forcing herself not to think about it. She wouldn't think about it.

She started to brush out her tangled hair, looking at herself in the mirror as she did so. She looked tired, which she was. Her pale skin looked a tad sickly in the bright bathroom lighting, there were small bags under her eyes, her freckles stuck out oddly against her pale skin. God, why anyone found her attractive she'd never know.

She dressed in her clean clothes – a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, very normal – and headed out of the extremely warm bathroom. She felt cooler because of it, the warm shower making her body temperature drop in the normal air of the rest of the house. She went into her room, passing Petunia's which was shut tightly even though she wasn't home. She threw her dirty clothes into the laundry basket beside her door and walked over to the window where Sev's owl sat calmly on the pane, waiting to be let in. She opened the window and let the black owl in, he perched on the sill and held out his beak to her, where a letter was firmly placed. She could hear her own owl going crazy in its cage at the sight of Inky – well, that wasn't the owl's actual name, but that's what she'd always called him.

She took the letter from Inky's beak and he nipped at her finger fondly. She smiled and stroked the bird lightly in response. She opened up the folded parchment and read the simple words that Severus had written.

Something came up. I'm going to have to cancel on our meeting.  
Sorry.

S.

She wasn't sure why the disappointment by those words effected her so much, but it did. She felt her stomach sink and her face fall. She went to her desk and grabbed a fresh piece of parchment and wrote a simple response back before giving the note to Inky, who took it without question.

No worries.

L.

She watched the black owl fly out the window, she shut it behind him. Well, that sucked. She wasn't sure what to do with herself now, it wasn't like she had a vast majority of Muggle friends at her disposal anymore. They had all ditched her when she went to off her fancy private school, they thought she was too good for them now. She sighed.

She walked back downstairs where she mother was lounging in the sitting room, a book in hand, the telly on. She slumped down into an armchair, her mother's reading glasses were perched at the end of her nose, her brows quirked into a questioning stare.

“What's the matter, love?”

Lily shrugged a shoulder, steeling herself and continuing to look at whatever program was playing on the telly. “Something came up so Severus had to cancel.”

Her mother was quiet a moment before responding, “I'm sorry, Lily.”

Lily shrugged again, “It's fine.”

Delilah closed her book and took off her glasses, looking at her daughter. “Well, Petunia is out, your father is at work...would you like to do something?”

Lily looked over at her mother, brows furrowed. “Like what?”

Delilah shrugged, “We could go see a movie, grab a bite to eat...would you like that?”

Lily couldn't help the small smile that took over her sulky features. “Sure, Mum. That would be lovely.”

“Well it's settled then, go throw on your shoes.”

Lily stood from the armchair and walked over to her mother, bending down to give her a hug before running off in search of her footwear. Delilah just smiled and watched her go, knowing that this is what her youngest needed.


	3. Chapter 3

She was walking along with the girls, listening to Marlene drone on and on about one thing or another. Alice walked beside her, absentmindedly nodding at whatever Marlene was prattling on about, Mary conversing with her. Lily was quiet, gazing out at the busy Diagon streets and shops, packed with mostly students and some with their families, new and old. She knew this wasn't even as close to what it would be like come the end of summer. She wasn't really paying attention to anything or anyone, just gazing. And thinking.

She had been thinking a lot lately, thinking about Severus, unable to get him off her mind. She wondered what had come up that made him cancel their meeting last week? Had he made something up so that he didn't have to meet her? Or, did something pertinent happen at the last minute?

She didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to think about any of this. She didn't want to be dissecting every inch of her conversation with Severus, didn't want to reminisce about the way things were pre-disastrous ending of fifth year, and she certainly didn't want his dismissal of their meeting to keep popping up in her mind every few seconds.

Thankfully, if her friends seemed to notice that she wasn't really in the chatty mood, they didn't say anything. Lily knew that they didn't expect her to be all peaches and cream about everything, they were just happy that she was back in the group and society as a whole.

Lily let out a sigh and tried to tune back into the conversation. She didn't want to be rude to her friends, they didn't deserve it. Especially since this was suppose to be just an easy, fun day for the friends to meet up during their summer break. They were shopping for nothing in particular, gossiping, and getting lunch. Easy, normal. But, she kept getting distracted. By her thoughts, mostly. Although, every long, dark haired boy that she saw had her turning her head, craning to see if it was Severus. She wasn't even sure why she cared – because she didn't, at least she kept trying to convince herself anyway.

Marlene and Mary were navigating the group into the PonyCreek Cafe for lunch, Alice was trailing behind them, a small smile plastered on her face. Poor Alice. The girl really was too nice for her own good.

The wind picked up and brushed Lily's hair into her face in a highly unattractive way – she was sure. She pushed her long locks out of her face, turning her back to the wind, righting her appearance. She caught a glimpse of black and green. Her eyes immediately turned to try and follow the moving figure, it finally stopped at the book store down the street. He was tall, taller than most people around him, lanky, awkward in his frame. He had black hair that fell down to his chin in strands, the wind picking it up and pushing it from his face, giving her a glimpse of a strong jaw and a once-broken nose. He was dressed casually, as were a lot of the people around them, in his muggle clothes.

He turned and waved off a tall blonde and a shorter dark haired boy, who nodded back and kept on walking without another glance back. He walked into the book store, alone.

“Lily, you coming? Mary snagged us a table.”

Lily turned her head slightly, not taking her eyes off the bookstore. “Yeah, you guys order without me, I'll be right back.”

“You sure?”

That was Alice. Lily looked back at her best friend with a reassuring nod, “Yeah, I'll just be a moment.”

Alice nodded, not questioning. “Alright.”

Lily bolted off in the direction of the book store down the street, well, bolted was a strong word. Steadily trotted suited it better. She pushed the heavy door open, the bell chiming overhead. Lily searched quickly for a tall, dark head, as she weaved ungraciously in and out of bookshelves. He was buying books – for school or not, she couldn't tell. She rounded the corner of a tall bookshelf and found him pensively staring at the contents of a rose colored tomb.

“Hi.”

His head shot up, his eyes coming to meet hers, his brows furrowed. “Hi?”

“Light reading or...?”

He glanced down at the cover of the book he was holding, Spells, Charms, and Brews for the Advanced. In latin. 

“You could say that.” He glanced her over, taking in her slightly wild hair and casual muggle attire. She looked the same as she had the other day by the lake, without the anger taking a tole over her features. She looked very normal, if not a little despondent. It was odd. They both took the moment to sit idly in silence in each others presence, drinking it in. There was no nervous, crackling energy, or an awkwardness that he expected. Just, silence. “I'm sorry for canceling on you last week.”

She shook her head, “Don't worry about it.”

He nodded back at her, catching her gaze. He could feel it, feel her subtly reeling him back in. For whatever reason, he wasn't fighting it.

“I'm free tomorrow.”

He watched the easy upturn of her perfect bow-shaped lips, it was casual, not excited. She gave a slight nod. “Okay.”

He tore his gaze away from her and back to the book in his hand, “I should go pay for this.”

“Yeah.” She took a step back from him, “I should get back to lunch before they come looking for me.”

He had the urge to ask her why that'd be a bad thing, whoever they were, but kept it to himself. “Alright.” He stated as she turned and started to walk away from him. “Tomorrow.”

She threw a look over her shoulder and gave him that same casual, easy, smile. “Tomorrow.” And left his sight. He looked down at the book in his hand, then back to the shelf where he'd been browsing pre-interruption. He grabbed the other book he had been looking for and headed up to the counter to pay.

He hadn't expected to see Lily here, her summers were normally spent in the neighborhood of Wiltingham, or Cokeworth in general, by the small lake that ran between their neighborhoods, going to the cinema, riding trains, and resuming dance lessons. She didn't spend much time in the Wizarding world during the summer, barely had she ever went to see her school friends. Well, he couldn't honestly attest to that for last summer, or really this one either. He hadn't see her at all, didn't know how she spent her time. For some reason that thought burrowed deep into his chest, bothering him.

He shrugged it off, paying the old man behind the counter and walked out of the shop. He looked around as he exited, out of habit looking for a flash of red hair in a muggle-dressed body. He turned down the corner and made his way to the small bar that Lucius and Regulus were waiting for him, pushing thoughts of her out of his mind.

He walked into the Swan's Neck Corner and sought out the two young men sitting by the window in the back. Lucius looked up as he approached, smirking – as he always did.

“There you are, I'm starving.”

Severus sat across from the older boy and next to Regulus, who was sipping slowly at his Butterbeer and watching out the window. Severus set his things down under the table and rolled his eyes at Lucius. “You could've ordered without me.”

“Well, that would be rude.” Lucius smirked.

Severus liked his relationship with the two sitting beside him – most of the time. It wasn't complex or overrun with emotion or attachments. They were friends, plain and simple.

Lucius was two years older than Severus and three years older than Regulus, and yet he still managed to see them a startling amount. He had taken a liking to Severus while he had been in school, befriending him in the Common room when he needed help in Potions and somehow managed to keep most of the Slytherins off his back. Lucius was powerful, important, people did what he wanted them to, Severus wasn't surprised when people left him alone after that. Lucius had started pining after Narcissa Black towards the end of his Hogwarts years, sidling up to Regulus in an attempt to have an upper hand on the situation. In the end he successfully wooed Narcissa and remained close with Regulus even after his accomplishment. They were unlikely friends, but it was all he had these days, and he enjoyed the company – to an extent.

The waitress came over now that their third party had finally arrived, Severus barely had time to glance the menu before he ordered. The waitress walked away, Severus giving her a lingering look. Her eyes had been very green, and reminded him of Lily's.

“Checking out the waitress, Snape? Well, this is exciting.”

He turned and gave the smirking Lucius a withering look. “I was not checking her out, as you so eloquently put it.”

Lucius just sighed and rolled his eyes, looking to Regulus for support. “Don't you think its time for you to get over that girl?” He saw Severus' usually expressionless eyes harden at the way he spoke of the muggleborn witch. “Something that has nothing to do with the state of her blood.” He added for good measure.

Severus wasn't as offended by Lucius' words as he should be, it was mostly because he knew Malfoy wasn't being hateful when he spoke them. That was just Lucius, he was frankly honest – which was a complete paradox seeing as he was one of the most talented liars Severus had ever met. But, if Lucius was a insulting Lily, he'd know it. Right now was not one of those time, right now Lucius wanted Severus to get over Lily, to move on. It was unsettling, but he was becoming accustomed to it. 

“My not wanting to shag a waitress has nothing to do with her.”

At that Regulus turned from his window gazing and gave him a look, lifting a brow. Lucius gave him a similar look and Severus just sighed. He immensely regretted his decision to tell these two anything.

Last summer, after the dreadful ending to his fifth year, Lucius had sent him an owl that demanded him to stop sulking about and come to his home for the weekend. Reluctantly, Severus had agreed. When he arrived at the Malfoy manor he had felt so insignificant, so out of place, until Regulus greeted him and showed him to the back patio where they had been lounging. It had been just the three of them, all by themselves, so of course they'd gotten drunk. They had drank well into the night, moving into the sitting room of the vast manor, sitting by the fire and prattling on about one thing or another. 

Once Severus had managed to get properly wasted, his usually stiff tongue became loose and he spent a good while drowning his sorrows in the bottle of firewhiskey and divulging his true emotions about Lily to the two boys. They hadn't been as shocked as Severus had thought they'd be, apparently he wasn't as good at hiding his feelings for Lily as he thought. They had consoled him, Lucius going on about his devotion to Narcissa, even though he couldn't stand her crazy family – to which Regulus whole hearted agreed to. And then in an odd moment of clarity, Regulus had belted out that he was gay. Quite literally belted it too, yelled it as Lucius was talking loudly about how perfect Narcissa's tits were. 

They had looked at the younger boy, who was breathing heavy and a scared look in his normally sharp eyes. It had been silent for a few moments, where they all just looked at each other, the crackling fire the only noise around them. Until Lucius turned towards Regulus and mindlessly asked if he was his type – to which all of them started drowning in bellowing laughter. Severus honestly didn't know if he'd ever laughed that hard in his life. After they had settled down, Lucius and Severus had turned Regulus and stated plainly that it didn't matter, he could be with whoever he wanted, they weren't going to care.

Severus felt that had solidified his friendship with the two, strengthened it in a way he hadn't thought possible. But, now he regretted spending that stupid weekend with them, telling them about how he cared for Lily. He never would've sipped out of that bottle if he had known Lucius would bring it up every five goddamn minutes.

“Who at this table are you trying to fool?” Regulus quirked a brow at him.

Severus just glared at Regulus, looking away from the two of them and glancing out into the rest of the bar.

“Are you no longer interested in girls? I'm sure Reg could help you out with that one.” Lucius heartily chuckled, stopping only when Regulus sent a small stinging hex his way. “Ow, you little shit, that hurt.”

“Good.”

Severus turned back to them, “Stop bickering. You sound like children.”

They settled down, still glaring at each other. It was silent for a moment, just the noise from the rest of the bar wafting over to them. Finally, Lucius heaved a dramatic sigh and sipped his Butterbeer, eyeing the two of them. “So,” He started, mock seriously. “What did you buy?”

Severus just sighed and shook his head. That was how the rest of his afternoon went, Lucius prattling on about one thing or another, asking questions, starting conversations. Regulus would reluctantly join in at some point, Severus keeping up only with what he wanted to participate in. Once they finished and paid for their meals, they left the bar and wandered into shops for a bit, buying a few things for school that they needed. After that, they parted ways, it was getting late and Severus either needed to arrive before his father or after the older man had already passed out.

He waved off Lucius and Regulus, who turned up the street to go floo home. Most of the time he resented not being able to do magic within his own home or around his own parents, this was one of those times. He wandered back into the Leaky Cauldron, passed through the bar unnoticed, and headed out onto the London streets. He let his mind think about Lily as he walked to the nearest Tube station, she always liked the Underground, he had never figured out why. And, it gave him something to distract his mind from his aggravation regarding his parents.

He felt...something, about all of this with her. He wasn't sure what he felt, or why he was feeling what he was, he just knew that he was feeling something about her. 

It had been unexpected to see her on the riverbank last week, it had been odd to talk with her, it had troubled him that he felt numb about the whole thing. He missed her, for as stubborn as he was, for as cold as he was, he had missed her. He missed his best friend, he missed looking at her and speaking with her. He had shut himself up and swallowed all his emotions whole after they parted ways as friends, he had resigned not to feel that deeply for anyone else again, only because it certainly hurt much more than he ever intended. 

He hadn't cared about the looks and whispers last year, he barely noticed the way things had shifted. He had tried not to notice her – which, honestly hadn't worked out that well. But, he had tried. He was still trying.

He wasn't sure what talking with her would mean, what she had to say weighed heavily in his mind. He was uncertain, he didn't like feeling that way, especially when it came to Lily. 

He walked down the stairs to the Tube, standing in with a hoard of muggles, all waiting for the same train. He had minimized his books and put them in the pocket of his pants, not wanting to look at all suspicious, which was why he wore his casual summer clothes to Diagon Alley instead of his robes. It wouldn't do well to draw attention whilst riding the tube home, he had learned that the hard way when he was twelve.

He tried not to dwell on thoughts of Lily now that he was here, waiting. He had tried the whole past year, really. For the most part, he had been mildly successful. It didn't change the fact that her smiling face made his chest tighten or how close she was made his heart beat uncomfortably, and now that those things were happening again, he wasn't even aware of how to deal with this.

The train pulled up, masses of people exiting onto the platform and hordes of people pushing back in. He stepped on the train, letting the woman behind him take the empty seat and instead opting to stand. He hadn't been raised in a family like Lily's, he wasn't accustomed to speaking about his feelings, processing what they meant. He was a burier, he came from a long line of them. 

Eileen was not strong, and she was not outspoken. She took what was given to her with downcast eyes and a bowed head. Tobias – for all of his bluster – was the same. He backed down from his bosses and put up with the factory, only letting his frustration out on him and his mother. Because that's who they were, they were buriers. They were pretenders.

He was used to pushing his feelings down, pretending, analyzing them alone and coming to the same conclusions again and again. It wasn't about to change after seventeen years, especially not on his own.

He felt the train come to a stop, he let go of the bar and pushed through the crowd of people and made his way out of the train and up the stairs of the station. The cool air settled over him, it was a nice night. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked down the street, listening to the cars and the people – it was a walk from the nearest station to Spinner's End, one he was now used to. He wondered what his mother made for dinner, he wondered if his mother had made dinner. He wondered what kind of mood Tobias would be in tonight, if he would stumble in already half-loaded and drink until he passed out on the couch. Or, if he would stalk in, pulling roughly at his collar, bang on every available surface in the house and scream at Eileen until someone called the police. It wasn't often that someone in Spinner's End would call the authorities, but it did happen.

It was still light out, being summer and all that, but it was starting to get weaker, started to wane. For once, he was happy that it was only he and Lily that came from Cokeworth, it was exhausting being around other people, and he enjoyed being away. Honestly, if he could live all by himself, he most certainly would.

At first when he heard the quick footsteps behind him he assumed it to just be another jogger, another muggle who was uncorrupted with thoughts of the magical world. Then he heard his name being called, which was odd, seeing as no one spoke to him. He stopped and turned to see Lily running up towards him, her long hair swinging about her shoulders and elbows, a small smile on her naturally upturned lips. He stood and waited for her – why, he wasn't entirely sure. Habit maybe.

“Hey.” 

She breathed out as she reached him, coming to stand beside him as they continued to walk down the road. They fell into an easy sort of silence as they walked, her breathing still slightly labored and all he could hear in his ears.

He turned to her with furrowed brows, “How did you get here so quickly? You weren't on the Underground.”

She gave him a look, “You still take the Underground all the way from London?”

His dark eyes narrowed, “Yes?”

“If you take the bus on Tally and then take the tube to here, it's half the time.” She turned and started walking backwards, facing him as they walked. It was something she had always done and stuck him a bit. “Really, Sev, I'm surprised you haven't figured that out by now.”

There was no condescending tone in her voice, not dismissal or sarcasm. That was the thing about Lily, she just, said things. Plain as day. He wasn't hurt by her accusation that he didn't know the most direct way home, he just...took it into consideration.

“Well, now I have.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking at her as she walked backwards down the road. “Clearly it's the most efficient way, as you're here.”

Her light eyes narrowed just slightly as a very small smile took place on her lips, he knew that look, that secret Lily look. She'd often done it as a child, it was a look he'd never been able to figure out in all his years. It made him uncomfortable, it always felt like she was looking past him and through him all at the same time. Like she could read straight into his soul. He shifted lightly under that look.

“So,” She started, the look still in place. “Did you buy your book?”

“Two.”

“Wow.” She looked impressed. “Somebody must be bored.”

He gave a shrug of his shoulder, “Not much to do here.” They shared a look of mutual understanding and slight hatred for where they lived outside of Hogwarts, both knowing that where they lived was boring. It was then that he took stock of the slight change in her attire, her high waisted shorts were still on, but her t-shirt from earlier was gone and replaced by a black leotard. He assumed that her tights and shoes were stuffed into her satchel. “Dance?”

Lily looked down at herself and then back at him, “Yeah. I had lunch with the girls and then went over to the studio after.” She looked down at her trainers, a small smile on her face. “They hate me.”

“Your friends or the company?”

She looked up and laughed, “Probably both, but, mostly the company.”

“Well of course they do, you're not around all year.” He gave her a small smirk, the first she'd seen from him in over a year. “You're off at boarding school. So, not only do they think you're a flake for only coming in the summer, but they also think you're pretentious.”

Their gaze connected and they both let out a laugh – Lily's louder than Severus'. “Basically.” She turned back around, coming to walk beside him again. “But the thing is, I don't care.”

Severus gave a nod, his eyes gazing forward. “Fuck 'em.”

Lily smiled and nodded, “Fuck 'em.”

He turned and gave her a light smile, enjoying her company in a way he hadn't in a long time. That was the most dangerous thing about Lily, she was easy. She was easy to fall back in sync with, she was easy to talk to and easy to like. Even when things were hard, she was easy. Until last summer, anyway.

They came to a stop, turning to face one another. It was dusky, the sky darkening, the light giving Lily this iridescent glow. Her smirky-smile and slightly narrowed eyes making his heart beat faster, his mind creating this memory of her to keep forever. Sometimes he was struck by her, her natural beauty, her intelligence, her grace. Her clumsy nature, her quick temper, her fire, her wit. It was a moment just like this one that made him fall in love with Lily Evans, a simple, quiet moment with her where everything stood still. It was also a moment just like this that scared him.

He stepped back away from her, “I should go.”

She nodded, “Me too.” She opened her mouth to say something again, but looked away and closed it quickly. Smiling she looked back up and said something else. “You should change your shirt next time before you go into the Wizarding world. You smell like cigarettes, don't want everyone knowing just how much of a muggle you are in the summer.”

He gave her a small smile as he stepped away, watching her do the same. They were in the middle of the street that branched off into their separate neighborhoods, it was quiet, still. “I'll keep that in mind.”

She turned to walk away from him, for some reason he stood planted to the pavement, watching her go. She turned around, walking backwards again. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

“Don't cancel on me.”

Her voice sounded hopeful, for some reason that hurt him. He gave a single nod, “I won't.”

With that she turned back around and kept walking home, Severus turned and did the same. He walked slower than he would've if she had not caught up with him, taking in the approaching darkness of the warm summer night, wondering.

He let out a sigh, pulling his hands from his pockets and with them cigarettes and a lighter. He lit one, taking a deep drag and wondering. That's all he could do right now was wonder.

For some reason admitting the true right now wasn't as hard as it should've been. It was almost like a whisper that had always been there, something that he'd always known but just chose to forget. He didn't feel anything about his confession to himself, not remorse, not regret, not anger or even pain. He didn't feel happy about it either, he just... felt.

He was in love with Lily Evans, and a year lying to himself had done nothing to suppress that fact.

He took another drag from his cigarette, approaching his house. He snubbed his cigarette on the ground, walking around back to the kitchen door, hoping he'd beaten Tobias home. Thoughts of Lily lingered in his mind – right now he didn't really feel anything, he wondered just how long that was going to last.


	4. Chapter 4

Lily laid in her unmade bed, the comforter kicked off, the sheets tangled around her, still in her sleep clothes, reading the letter that had been waiting for her when she had returned last night. She read over the letter from Alice again a second time, not really able to believe the words on the paper. Apparently after Lily had left the girls yesterday, things had gotten saucy. She had left them after lunch, parting ways with them as they exited the cafe, they had all been in good spirits. Talking about last year, their respective summers so far, the upcoming year, boys, parents, teachers, other friends. It had been a nice outing, it had made Lily realize just how isolated she had truly been last year. Not that she could really complain, she'd done it to herself, and enjoyed it for the most part.

But, rereading Alice's letter made her remember just why she had distanced herself from the girls. And why she hadn't regretted doing it.

Emmeline hadn't come yesterday, vacationing in Punta Cana and all, so it had just been the four of them. And after Lily had left for dance lessons, it had just been Alice stuck with Mary and Marlene. Usually, that wasn't a bad thing. Apparently yesterday, it was.

Alice's letter entailed her annoyance and aggravation with their two friends, Alice had been hinting for a while now that Mary and Marlene had become more bitchy in the past year – if that were even possible. Lily surmised that now, Alice had just had enough.

Her letter read that after Lily had left them, things had been fine. They walked around Diagon Alley some more, went into little boutiques off the main strip, tried on dresses and tested their limits with the joke shop. But then, Alice decided, that after that things got heated quickly.

Gradually, it seemed, Mary had begun pressing Alice for information about Frank – her boyfriend. Lily wasn't surprised, it was what Mary did. She was crass and gossip-y, she loved digging for information, and the saucier, the better. But, Alice was shy. They all knew that, and Mary knew better than to push Alice.

From what Lily gathered in Alice's angry, disjointed rambling, was that Mary began pestering Alice about Frank and their relationship. Where they still an actual couple now that he was graduated and in Auror training? Was she sure he wasn't seeing other girls on the side? Was she finally sleeping with him now that he wasn't at Hogwarts?

Lily could just imagine the bright flush on Alice's fair skin, her light brown eyes downcast with embarrassment. She felt anger for Alice, pissed off that Marlene didn't stand up for her.

The letter went on to say that it hadn't stopped there, that those things weren't even what had set Alice off, causing her to yell at Mary and leave the group. Evidently, Mary had outdone even herself with her bitchiness and had actually, literally told Alice that she couldn't trust Frank now that she couldn't keep her eye on him. Because he was older, and – Lily couldn't even contain her laughter as she read it – because he was a Hufflepuff. 

A Hufflepuff.

That was why Alice couldn't trust him.

Apparently all Hufflepuffs were actually devious under their false pretenses of nicety. Or, that's what Mary had said to Alice, anyway.

Really?

Really?

Lily couldn't even fathom the response that Alice had given the dark haired girl, she couldn't even think of one herself. Not only did Mary distrust all Slytherins – being openly prejudice against them – and disliked most Ravenclaws for their snooty attitudes and bitchy behavior, but now she was against Hufflepuffs because they were... devious?

Lily shook her head, what a stupid bint.

She had always seen Mary for what she was, just like she had always seen everyone else for what they were, but she now wondered why it had taken this long for it to bother her. It truly bothered her that Mary was ignorant and hateful. That she was stupid. Seemingly she wasn't the only one either, as Alice was now too infuriated to even write neatly in her letter.

Mary was their friend, they loved her – for all her bad, and all her good, they loved her. But, it seemed as though Alice and Lily were now on the same page, seeing certain things they may have overlooked in their hesitancy to keep the friendship peaceful. Alice had written that – that ship has sailed, if Mary wants to act like an ignorant heap, than let her. I'm done. Lily had no doubt that Alice truly meant it, seeing as the smaller girl wasn't one to take these things lightly.

Alice wasn't confrontational or rude, she just wasn't. She was soft spoken and demure, gentle and wise. She could hold her own if need be, Lily had seen this growth in her since dating the dashing and daring Frank Longbottom, she had come into her own more. She was stronger since being with him, but that didn't mean that she had changed fully over night. She was still soft and lovely, so when she said she was done with Mary and all that came with the dark haired girl, Lily knew she took that to heart.

She sighed, thinking about the letter she had written to Alice last night. She had tried to comfort her, appease her anger, and honestly telling her plainly that she agreed. Mary was becoming too much like the other Gryffindors of their year, intense, prejudicial, mean. 

She didn't like to think on it often, mostly because it made her feel uncomfortable, but with the hints of a war coming, things had started becoming a little... tense. Not only amongst the houses.

Gryffindors were bright, resilient, and strong – that was what she'd always been told. They were smart like Ravenclaws, fierce like Slytherins, and charming like Hufflepuffs. She had always been under the disillusioned thought that Gryffindors were the best, that they bred the best fighters, gave the best students, and showed the most strength.

She had been awoken from her disenchanted slumber once people started giving her a hard time about being close with Severus. It hadn't been the Ravenclaws or the Hufflepuffs that had given them flack, it had been the Gryffindors, and the Slytherins. People didn't care that she hung around with Severus Snape, the Gryffindors cared. And, the Slytherins cared on their end because she was a mudblood, and that was all.

Somehow, she found that her housemates not liking Severus based on his house, his background, and his appearance, just as bad as his housemates not liking her because of her blood.

It made her stomach hurt to think about. Because she loved her house, she loved Gryffindor, she loved that she got to wear red and gold, that she proudly shone the lion on her robes. She loved McGonagall as the head of house, she liked that she could do or be whoever she wanted – the only real stereotype for Gryffindor was brave. That, she could live with.

But, what she didn't like took up as much of the list as the good had. 

She hated that her house thought they were better than everyone else, hated that they were all forced to prove their bravery by one another. She disliked how competitive they were, how prejudice. She didn't like the blatant favoritism, or how people like the Marauders thought they were hot shit. There was a cockiness that ran through their house, a quiet boastfulness that was familiar within the ranks.

She knew that each house had their hits and misses, that no one was perfect. But, it stop it from bothering her. She wished that it could be more of something she was proud of, instead of something she had to make excuses for. Like, Mary. She was tired of making excuses for her rude friend. She'd told Alice as much.

She set the letter down on the nightstand beside her bed, rolling over to lay on her stomach. She hugged a pillow close to her body and shut her eyes, hoping to catch a few more minutes of sleep before she got up. It was still early-ish, and this whole waking up earlier than need be during the summer thing she had going on was seriously cramping her lazy summer groove.

She had just started to fall back asleep – or maybe she had fallen asleep? – when she heard a light, tentative knock on her door. It had roused her, but for all her worth she had been almost positive she had dreamed it and hadn't moved from her spot. A second knock came, a little louder than the first, but no more purposefully than the first. She sat up this time, leaning her weight on her left arm, running a hand through her disheveled hair. “Come in.”

The door opened slightly, not enough for the person to actually enter, but enough for Lily to see whoever she was talking to. It was shockingly enough her sister, Petunia standing in the doorway of her room, her eyes looking anywhere but Lily's. Her face wasn't set into that pinched, annoyed look that it could usually be seen in, instead she looked, calm, a little nervous.

“Lily.” Petunia started, opening the door a little more to face her younger sister. Her tone was cool, to the point, very Petunia. “I was hoping to have your opinion on something.”

Lily just looked at her sister, trying to gauge if she was serious or not, before nodding and sitting up more fully. “Yeah, okay, come on in.”

Petunia entered the room, closing the door behind her and came to stand in front of the side of the bed Lily was sitting on. They didn't normally do this, they didn't normally partake in the whole sister-thing. It just wasn't them. Which was why Petunia was looking anywhere but Lily, taking in the sight of her slightly messy room with furrowed brows and Lily eyeing her with uncertainty.

Lily was first to break the awkward silence, “So...” Wincing at how awkward she sounded talking to her sister when they weren't fighting.

Petunia cleared her throat, looking back up to Lily, who was still seated on the bed in her sleep clothes. “Right, so, as I said, I was hoping to get your opinion on something.”

Lily could tell Petunia was uncomfortable, she was uncomfortable too. “Alright, hit me with it.”

Petunia narrowed her eyes a bit in confusion at her younger sister's teen slang, but moved on nonetheless. “Well, I have a date, no thanks to you trying to thwart my high society life.”

She said it in an almost teasing manner, with no harshness in her tone as Lily had become accustom to. Was Petunia... joking with her? Or, attempting to anyway? Lily couldn't help the small smile that pulled at her lips.

“I'm sure.”

Petunia tried to stifle the small upturn of her own lips, but Lily could see the odd shining in her blue-green gaze, a lightness that she hadn't seen in a very long time.

“And, since you seem to be a little more... comfortable in that area, I was hoping you could tell me what you think of this outfit.”

Petunia was all business as usual, even when talking about dates and outfits and sister-y things. It kind of made Lily want to smile.

“Okay, yeah.” Lily sat indian style on her bed, appraising what Petunia was wearing. It was a pastel blue skirt that fell to her knees in thick pleats, with a matching blue blouse with short sleeves and thick buttons, the collar high on her neck. She wore white, patterned stocking with them that she had seen in a magazine once. All in all, she didn't look bad, she looked like Petunia, because Petunia wore put together outfits all the time. Lily nodded her head. “Alright, well, where are you going on this date, first off?”

Petunia sighed a little, her nervous energy exuding from her. “To lunch, possibly the cinema after.”

“And, what kind of guy is he?” Lily could see Petunia's confusion written onto her face, so she elaborated. “Is he trendy? Fun? Classy? Boring? Working class bloke?”

Petunia's hands began to twist in front of her slightly, “He's attends college for Business, and works for his Uncle's company during the summers.”

“But, what is he like?”

Petunia thought for a moment, “Moira introduced me to him when we were at the club last week, he's friends with her cousin Roger. He's... nice, and has a good work ethic, and seems to be involved at the club.”

Lily nodded her head at the information, “Boring, dependable, predictable; sounds just like your type.” She sniggered jokingly. Petunia gave her a look and crossed her arms over her chest. “Oh, come on,Tuney, I was only teasing.”

“Really? Because it didn't sound like it.” Still, her voice wasn't harsh, she sounded almost forlorn as she gazed at her younger sister with narrowed, tired eyes. “Is that really how you think of me? Boring, predictable?”

Lily shook her head quickly, her voice a little defeated, but sincere. “No, Petunia, it isn't. Especially if today is anything to go by, you aren't predictable in the least. And, you're not boring.” She gave her sister a small smile and stood to grab her hands – much to Petunia's surprise. “Look, if you like this guy, than great. I hope you have a fantastic date and get married to him and have fat little babies that I get to coddle and play with.” The smile on Lily's face and excitement in her voice at that prospect made Petunia smile as well. “And if you don't like him, then whatever, there will be someone else. You're beautiful, Tune, and smart, and goddamn fiery when you want to be. There are loads of blokes out there that would be lucky to have such a dame as you, you neat freak.” She then let go of her hands and playfully threw a pillow at Petunia, laughing all the while.

Petunia gasped, shocked at her younger sister's antics and grabbed the pillow from the floor, running over to jokingly smother Lily with it. “Take that, you little cow.”

Lily couldn't even be mad at her sister's small insult, because it was said with laughter in her voice as she tried to push Lily down on the bed with the pillow on her face. Lily was shrieking and attempting to push Petunia off of her, but her efforts were self-thwarted by the laughter that bellowed from her stomach.

“Okay, okay! Stop! I have to help you with your outfit still, I can't do that from the grave!”

Petunia let up then, sitting on the bed beside Lily, who was spread out on her back, her breathing still heavy. “Well, alright.” She looked down at her outfit then, “So, what's wrong with this?”

“Nothing.” Lily sat up and looked at her sister more closely. “It's just, a little boring and predictable.” She said with a wink.

Petunia rolled her eyes playfully, “It's just lunch. What do you think I should wear then?”

Lily stood from the bed and walked out of her room, Petunia following behind her quickly as they made their way into Petunia's room. Lily hadn't really been in Petunia's room in a long time, it was the same size as Lily's, almost identical. Petunia's room was colored a light rosy pink, blush – it was called, if Lily was remembering correctly – where Lily's was painted an androgynous royal blue, with gold accents. It was extremely neat, her sister having always been overly tidy, and showed the vast difference between the sisters.

Lily went to Petunia's closet, taking stock of what she had. The boy – the date whose name she didn't know – seemed to be sturdy, boring, maybe a little pretentious. But, Lily was just guessing based on the eight words Petunia had said about him. But, from those short words, Lily could vaguely tell he might be the kind of guy who wanted people to know how stellar he was. So, why not show off her attractive sister?

True to her word though, most of Petunia's clothes were boring and predictable. Matching skirt sets or pant suits, high necked shirt after high necked shirt, all in pastel colors, appropriate lengths, and minimal patterns. She thought for a moment before turning back to look at Petunia.

“Hold on a sec.” Lily ran back into her room and rummaged around in her dresser before coming back with an armful of things. “Alright, first thing that goes is the skirt and those tights. We're Evans girls, we've got legs like Twiggy, time for you to show them off.” She sorted through the clothes she had thrown down on Petunia's well made bed and waited for her sister to shed the offending clothing. She looked over to see her older sister staring at her, “What?”

Petunia just looked at her, “Uh,”

“Petunia, I've seen you naked before, just take the skirt off.”

Her sister just narrowed her gaze and began to take off her skirt and tights as Lily was looking over the clothes on the bed and picking things out from the closet. Once she was finished, Petunia sighed and placed her hands on her hips, “Alright, now what.”

Lily tossed her one of the pleated mini skirts she grabbed the bed, in Petunia's favorite shade of pastel blue. Maybe that was why Lily never wore it. But, she didn't really wear a lot of skirts either.

“Here, put that on.”

She began looking for a top to pair it with, it was too hot for a large sweater, as she would normally pair with that skirt, but she didn't want to make Petunia too uncomfortable in something a little more bare either. Once the skirt was on Petunia's leggy body, she turned to look in the mirror by her door.

“Don't you think it's a little... short?”

“Nope. It's perfect.” Petunia was the same height as her, so the skirt virtually positioned in the same spot as it would be on Lily's thighs. “Now, for a top...”

She dug through her sister's closet again, coming across a thin white button up with short sleeves. She handed that to Petunia to put on as she went to her dresser in search of knee-highs. It was hot out, and Lily usually always forwent all forms of tights and socks under her skirts or dresses, but she knew that Petunia would not, and grabbed a pair of thin white ones from the drawer.

Petunia put on the knee-highs and turned in the mirror as Lily looked at shoes. “Are you sure this isn't too casual?”

She looked up from where she was kneeling in the closet, “No. Not at all. It's lunch, and possibly a movie. You look casual enough for that, and if he decides to bring you by the club or a fancier place, you look fresh and not out of place.” She stood with a pair of white slip on loafers with a bit of a heel, and handed them to Petunia. “Here. These will work.”

Petunia took the shoes from Lily and turned back to look in the mirror. “Okay. This looks good.”

She scooped the clothes up off the bed and made to bring them back into her room, “Wear your hair down and pinned at the side like you used to when we were little. It'll go great.”

Lily wasn't entirely sure where all of this fashion advice had come from, she had almost laughed when Petunia said she was more comfortable in this area than she was. Because, she wasn't really. She didn't really date, per se, and she didn't really dress all that trendy or vogue. Most of the time, she wasn't even dressed that feminine, deciding against skirts because she normally had to wear them during the school year. In the majority she wore shorts or pants, stripped shirts that she was pretty sure her mum bought from the little boy's section of the store. A crop top here and some knee-highs there, didn't make her with it in the fashion world.

But, if Petunia was asking her of all people, instead of Moira or Tally or any of her other friends, than she must've really needed help. 

Petunia sidled into her room as she was putting away the clothes she had laid out on Petunia's bed, she came and sat down at her desk. “Thank you.” Petunia's blue-green gaze met Lily's green. “For helping me.”

Lily smiled, “Sure. No problem.”

Petunia looked over the things on her desk, partially written letters, notes from last year she had been studying, nothing of grand importance. She could tell Petunia was just looking for an excuse to stay. “So.” She started, “What are you doing today?”

Lily sat on the end of the bed, across from where Petunia sat at her desk. “I don't have dance today, and,” She started, unsure if she wanted to broach the subject of her meeting with Severus, seeing as they had just come to some sort of quiet truce. “I, ah...”

Petunia's gaze narrowed, though it wasn't an angry sort of narrow, just an inquisitive one. “You're seeing him, aren't you?”

Lily's eyes widened a little in shock, “How could you know that?”

Petunia just shrugged a delicate shoulder, a small smile on her lips. “Despite what you may think, I do know you.” She gave pause for a moment, before amending her statement. “Somewhat.”

“But how did you know I was talking about him?”

Petunia raised a hand in front of her and gestured to Lily as a whole, “You do this... thing when you talk about him.”

“A... thing? What... thing?”

Petunia shrugged, a small, secret smile on her lips. “Just a thing.”

Lily's brows furrowed. “Have I always done a thing?”

Petunia thought for a moment before nodding, “Yeah.”

“It's not a bad thing, it's just a thing.” She looked into Lily's gaze then. “So, you're meeting with him?”

She was being shockingly caviler about this, seeing as she hated Severus, and hated that Lily used to hang around with him even more. She expected more of a fight, more eye rolls and disgusted faces to be thrown her way at the mention of Severus, but Petunia was doing none of that. She was just sitting and looking, her face passive, her gaze cool. She was regarding Lily, not evaluating her. She wasn't sure how to tread.

“I am.” She shook her head, “Well, I have. But, not really.” Petunia's brows once again furrowed in confusion and Lily realized her statement may not have been the easiest to understand. “I mean, I've ran into him, we've spoken, but we haven't really talked. Not like we need to.”

Petunia was quiet, her gaze still boring into Lily's as she nodded. “And that's what you're doing today? Really talking?”

Lily nodded, feeling slightly small under her sister's unyielding gaze. She was used to feeling wrong because of Petunia, it happened all the time, especially when they talked about Severus, but she wasn't used to feeling grilled. Petunia was grilling her, trying to see inside her head. She wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not.

“Yeah. I mean, we didn't leave things great last summer, there was a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of things unsaid. I just feel like I owe our relationship that much, at least.”

“Why now?”

Lily was startled by Petunia's question, “What do you mean?”

“Why now? Why do you want to talk about things now?”

Lily was taken aback by Petunia's question. What did she mean, why now? Because it had been a year since she spoke to the person who had once been her closest friend. Because she knew that they couldn't avoid each other forever. Because she missed him. But, how could she say any of those things to Petunia?

“Because... it's time.” She nodded, going with a partial truth. “I've waited a year to be by myself and a year to let him figure things out for himself. It's time.” She said it confidently, like it was the whole truth. How could she possibly tell Petunia she didn't even know what the whole truth was?

Petunia just looked at Lily from where she sat at the desk, her light eyes clear and unblinking, boring into her own and making her anxious. Her face was passive and gave way to nothing, but Petunia had always been like that.

“I think you're scared.” She started. “I think you're scared because you'll be graduating this year and have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. I think you feel alone, amongst your friends, your school, your... family.” She said the last part a tad quieter from the others, clearly uncomfortable by it, but didn't take her eyes away from Lily's. “I think you're nervous about your future and you're reverting. Running back to him because he holds you high above everyone else, and you hope he can solve your problems for you like he used to when we were young.” She paused to gauge Lily's reaction to what she was saying. “Or, maybe it's just time.” She shrugged. “What do I know. Either way, you need to figure it out before you talk to him. Because, you can't use him again, and you can't let him use you.”

Lily's heart was beating faster than she had ever remembered it, she felt flushed at her sister's words. She shook her head, “He's never used me.” She thought before she responded again, “And I've never used him.”

“You used him as your rock, and he used you to feel something.”

Lily could hear that statement cementing itself into her brain. You used him as your rock, and he used you to feel something. She shook her head, tearing her eyes away from her sister's. “No. I don't think so.”

She could hear Petunia sigh, “Really, Lily? You're going to tell me that you never noticed his feelings for you?”

She looked up then, back at Petunia. His feelings? They had been friends, best friends! There were no feelings except mutual understanding and a familial bond that she hadn't felt after Petunia stopped speaking to her. Feelings. She had known that he may have liked her when they hit puberty, but that was because he was thirteen and she was the only girl that spoke to him. The crush had been short lived and he never again after that gave her the inkling that he may have liked her more than a friend. He wasn't like Potter, he hadn't thrown his arm about her shoulders or whispered things into her ear. He had never asked her out or made any attempt that could be construed as feelings-worthy. He was Severus and she was Lily, they were friends, close friends that spent lots of time around each other, she was sure that if he had feelings for her, she would've known.

But, as she looked into Petunia's eyes, with her eyebrows raised and resting bitch-face, she doubted herself. Would she have known?

Petunia saw the terrified look pass over Lily's face and knew she was working it out. “He's always like you, Lily. Ever since we were children. It only got worse as we grew up. You really never knew?”

Lily shook her head, her normally wide eyes double their eyes, causing her to look comical. “No.”

“Well, now you know.” She watched a different look pass over Lily's face. “So, now, before you make nice and fall into the same co-dependent relationship with him, you need to re-evaluate your friendship. You can't fall back into old patterns because they're comfortable, that's how people get hurt. And, I have a feeling that if you hurt him again, it will be the last time.”

Lily snapped her eyes up to her sister's standing, angry. “Why are you defending him? You hate him, you always have. He hurt me too, you know.”

Petunia brought her hands up in front of her, gently trying to pacify her suddenly furious sister. “I didn't mean it like that, Lily. I said it, because I don't want to see you get hurt again.”

Lily's brows furrowed, “What?”

“If you hurt him again, I don't think he'll come back to you, and that would hurt you.” Petunia stood from her seat at the desk and came to stand in front of Lily. “The last time you two fought, it ended your friendship. I've never in my life seen you more miserable than I did last summer. Not even when we attended Aunt Beth's funeral when you were six and they locked us in the basement of the church with all the other crying children.” Lily chuckled at that, some of the anger draining from her features. “I read the letters that you sent home last year, you can convince yourself that being alone made you happy, but it didn't. It was good of you to get away from those gashes you call friends, but you weren't happy. You were happy when you were with Snape, regardless of what we all think. So,” She said meaningfully. “Don't fuck it up.”

Lily couldn't help the smile or the laugh that bubbled out of her throat at her sister's swear. Petunia hardly ever cursed, it wasn't ladylike. It was empowering to see her normally tight laced sister look at her with those sharp eyes and hear a curse fall from her prim lips.

She looked down, away from Petunia's gaze, a smile on her lips. “Thank you, Petunia.”

“Well,” She nodded, “You're welcome.” Lily looked back up at her, small smile still in place. “It doesn't mean I like him any, I still think you could do better than Snape, and nobody irks me quite like he does. But, I'm tired of fighting with you all the time, and we fight more when you're miserable. So, figure it out, and talk to him.”

Lily nodded, “I will.”

Petunia looked down at her watched, “I have to go, Vernon will be here soon and I still have to pin my hair, like you said.” She started to walk away, but stopped and looked over her shoulder at Lily. “Well, aren't you coming? I can't possibly do my hair alone in this short amount of time.”

Lily just rolled her eyes playfully, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips and followed after Petunia down the hall to the bathroom. “I guess, seeing as I have to do everything for you.”

Petunia rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Oh, please.”

Lily couldn't get Petunia's words out of her head, the insight on the situation was shocking coming from the source. Never had she thought that Petunia would be able to give her wise information on the matter, she hadn't thought she needed any. Clearly, she had been wrong. Which lead her to think, what else had she been wrong about.

She listened to Petunia as she talked idly about Vernon – getting only mildly nauseas at the way she dreamily said his name – and learned a little more about the man who would be taking her sister on a date, as she did her hair. It was odd that only a week ago they had been screaming at each other and not speaking, and now, here she was, doing her hair. She took it as a sign of good fortune, that maybe things would work out how they were suppose to, good or bad. She hopped that after she talked to Severus later today, she could say the same about that too.


	5. Chapter 5

He stirred his tea idly, watching his mother busy herself about the kitchen, she was up today, out of her dark room. He felt uneasy around her, not the way he was with Tobias, just, uneasy. He wasn't sure how to approach her, how to speak to her, what to say. He spent most of his time looking at the closed door of her bedroom, sometimes opening it to ask her questions or relaying information. It wasn't common that she was up and about, that he actually saw her doing things. 

He noted that she looked tired – she always looked tired, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her well rested – she looked like the weight of the world rested heavily on her thin shoulders. Sagging them down, making her look worn and downcast. But, today, she looked a little brighter. He wasn't sure why, or what caused it. Maybe because Tobias had piggybacked onto a fishing trip with some of the blokes from work, leaving them be for a few days.

He wondered if his mother ever hoped that the man never return when he left the house everyday, Severus certainly did.

He always questioned why Eileen had chosen to marry Tobias, why she put up with him. From what his grandmother used to tell him, she was much more than she was now. She had never been outgoing or confrontational, but apparently she had been present, aware in her quiet shyness. Now, she was just... there.

He watched his mother clean out the cupboards, using magic for the first time in a long while. He loved his mother, he did, but a part of him truly disliked her. Annoyed by her cowardice, by her introverted ways and quiet tendencies. He wanted more from her, more than she would ever be able to give – he was only just realizing that now, as a young adult, that she'd never be able to give him what he wanted, what he needed. As a child, he had never understood why she left him to himself. Now, he did.

She was broken, broken from years of misuse and degradation. She had been pushed around and put in her place by Tobias for years, her family turning from her when she married a muggle. She had been alone, so she suffered through the mistake she had made.

Sometimes he hated her. Sometimes he didn't.

As he watched her clean the kitchen with her wand, a small smile on her tired face, he decided that he didn't hate her today. 

He sipped at his tea, listening to the quiet murmuring of his mother's humming. He pitied her most of all. Loved her, because she was his mother. Hated her for never stopping Tobias, never showing the strength he just knew she must've once possessed. And pitied her, for how broken she was now. A shell of a woman that his Professors sometimes talked about at Hogwarts, that his grandmother went on about.

She loved him, in her own way. In her own, quiet way, she showed him that she cared. But, she had never defended him against Tobias, never stopped the abuse from happening, never stood up to the man or took the alcohol from him. She was weak, and she never did anything. Most of the time, she didn't even leave her room.

He sighed as he went back to looking into his tea, staring at the brown liquid, daring it to tell him something. He tried to push the ache in his chest away, he just wanted more from her, as a parent, as his mother. He wanted her affection, the kind that he saw on the telly and watched in the neighborhood. He wanted her to ask him all about his day or the school year, he wanted her to give him advice or regale stories of when she was in school. He just, wanted her. He looked back over to her, watching that small smile on her usually downturned lips. He wanted her to care.

He tore his eyes away from her and stood, bringing his tea to the sink and dumping it out, turning on the faucet to wash his cup. His mother stopped him, coming to rest her small hands over his, that smile still on her face. “Don't worry about that, I'll take care of it.”

“It's really not a problem.”

She shook her head, meeting his gaze. “Severus, please. I can do it. I'm not that fragile.” She gave him a look to emphasize her point, it made him uncomfortable. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't because he thought she was fragile, it was because he was so used to doing it all himself. But, he let her take the cup from his hands and wash it out, using magic to dry it before putting it with the rest of the dishes on the counter. “See, all done.” He nodded to her and pushed himself off the counter, ready to return to his room when she stopped him. “What are you off to today?”

He turned back around to face her, she did the same. He shoved his hands into his pockets, his shoulders haunching slightly. Eileen looked at him in that moment, really looked at him and was shocked to see how much he had grown.

Severus shrugged a shoulder, unsure if he wanted to tell her that he was meeting Lily – or if he even wanted to tell her anything, for that matter. She didn't normally do this, he couldn't even remember the last time she cared where he was off too, especially during the summer.

“Out.”

Eileen lifted a single dark brow, instantly showing him the little ways they were alike. Because, he may look like his father, but he was much more like Eileen. “Out?”

He nodded at her, clearly uncomfortable. “Yup.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, in an inquisitive way. “With who?”

Severus caught her gaze, she knew that he didn't want to tell her, which only made her more curious. He looked her over then, her dark hair pulled up, her faded cotton dress clung to her delicate frame. He knew his mother had been beautiful once, not in the same way as Faye Dunaway or Debbie Harry, or even Lily, with their in your face beauty. No, Eileen had been plain, quietly beautiful, with her high cheek bones, slopped nose, and light eyes. But, years of wear and tear had not done her well, she looked older now, tired, like life was just too much for her. 

He pulled his gaze away from hers, not liking the attention she was bestowing upon him, he wasn't used to it. He coughed. “Lily.”

Eileen's brows raised, “Evans? Little Lily?” Severus just nodded his head and Eileen turned and went back to cleaning the cupboard, clearly pacified by his answer. “Oh, well, have fun.”

That was it? She had turned on him like she was about to interrogate a terrorist, and all he got was a, have fun? He realized then just how much his mother had slept through, how much she didn't know from hiding herself away in her room. She didn't know about Lily, she didn't know that they hadn't spoken in a year. She probably didn't even remember what Lily looked like if she was calling her, Little Lily.

He felt uneasy, unsure if he should say anything to her about it, if he should tell her just why he was going out with Lily. He awkwardly stood in the kitchen, his hands in his pockets, staring at her back as she held her wand in the air, wondering if he should speak. She made the answer for him, speaking with her back turned to him, he could hear the smile in her voice as she said it.

“I'm glad you've remained close with her, not all muggles are bad.” He knew she was silently referring to Tobias and the Slytherin stigma all at once. “And Lily had always been smart for her age, lovely too.” She turned to look at him over her shoulder, a small secret in her light eyes, “And, I've always thought she had a certain soft spot for you.”

He felt his face flush at what his mother was insinuating. Lily had never liked him that way, she just hadn't. They were close friends and that was all. It was him who had always felt more for her, emotionally and physically. He had a feeling his mother picked up on that as well.

He shook his head, looking away from her. “No, it's not like that.” He brought his gaze back up to her's, ignoring that look in her light eyes. “It really isn't, Mum. We haven't even spoken since last summer.”

At that, Eileen's brow furrowed. Clearly not understanding all she'd missed out on. “What do you mean?”

Severus sighed, not really wanting to have this conversation with his mother or retell the story of his embarrassment. But, she wasn't relenting, she had turned fully back around, arms crossed loosely over her chest. Worry and sadness passed over her features.

“We got into a fight at the end of fifth year, I said something I shouldn't have and she pushed me away because of it.”

Eileen was looking at him with that sharp Prince look, a look he hadn't seen from her since he was a very small child, and the last time he visited with his grandmother. She knew there was more to the story, something he wasn't telling. That look was like she was trying to see inside of him, figure out what he wasn't telling.

“You haven't spoken in a whole year?” Her gaze was still skeptical and sharp as she looked at him from across the small kitchen. 

“No. Not until last week.” He let her peer into his dark eyes, unbidden. “I was by the lake and she happened to be there at the same time. We talked a bit, then I ran into her again yesterday on my way home from Diagon.”

His mother just kept looking at him, “And you're meeting today?”

“Yes.”

Eileen let her gaze hang in the air between them before she nodded and let the small smile reenter her lips. “I hope things work out with you two. I've always had a fondness for that girl – spritely, kind.” She looked back up to Severus as she turned back to finish cleaning. “Don't hide from her for too long, you both might miss it.”

He wasn't at all sure what his mother was talking about, but he was too nervous to ask. He wasn't sure why what she had said made him nervous why it made his heart thump oddly in his chest, but it had. He just simply nodded and left the kitchen to go to his room, hearing the silence he was more than use to once again settle over the house as he climbed the stairs.

He laid back on his bed, staring up at the discolored ceiling above him.

Lily.

It was a simple name, one that belonged to many girls around the world – a classic, he recalled Mrs. Evans saying to him once. A flower, a breed of flower, one that held many meanings. And Lily – the person, well, she was complicated too.

She had never been particularly easy to figure out, he had just been good at reading her at one time. He wasn't all that great at it anymore. What drove her, what sparked her desire, her hatred, her pain – he could never figure those things out. He could never understand why she would roll her eyes when he talked about the tentative relationships he'd managed to build with any of his housemates, give him that pointed look when she saw him in the hall with Regulus and Lucius. Why she felt the need to befriend Lupin and basically tolerate the other assholes, why she put up with her bitchy dorm-mates and called them friends. Why she looked at him with unblinking eyes when he didn't say anything, why she felt the need to fill the silence with her witty banter. Why she always borrowed his notes when she had written perfect ones of her own. Why she hadn't forgiven him that night.

There were countless moments and things that he didn't comprehend about Lily, too many glances or behaviors to really try and figure out her motivation. She wasn't simple to understand, which juxtaposed so oddly with just how easy Lily truly was to be around.

He realized now though, in the full year they hadn't spoken to one another, that she was more human than he gave her credit for. 

He wasn't sure what had actually spawned him into this realization, what made him finally see that the way he had viewed her was unhealthy, but it had happened. Over the year when he had given in and glanced her way during class or during meals, he saw her. Saw her in a certain way he hadn't before.

He had always known the disliked qualities about Lily, just as she had always known his. He knew that she was stubborn, she had a short temper and was quick to respond – something that matched his own. She was one-minded in her anger, her objectiveness taking time off during those moments. She took things to deeply, to heart, even when she shouldn't. She was patient, but not when it came to school work – she had made a horrible tutor, too invested in the assignment. She was mature and objective, but still maintained this childish, self-absorbed quality about her that she'd yet to shed. She was objective and level headed when it came to things that didn't involve herself.

But, those were only a handful compared to the brilliant things about her. She was smart, unyielding in her compassion, and brave. She loved deeply and cared whole-heartedly, which is what made her so prone to that slight self-absorbed quality. She was bright and easy to be around, she would stick up for the people she cared about, even if it would get her in trouble. She was honest, unflinchingly so, and witty, and kind.

He loved all those things about her, even the things she didn't like about herself.

But, it was the time spent away from her that he had begun to see their situation a little more clearly. It had been hard at first, to get over her dismissal of him, to not have her friendship, but once he had, it was easy to see.

He had elevated her from everyone else, made her untouchable, to even himself. He had known her since he was nine years old, he had spent his years with her, his time, investing himself to her. It was only after that he was able to look from a perspective that wasn't his own. Lucius had actually been the one to do it for him, asking off handedly when he had become infatuated with her.

Not in love, not friends – infatuated.

It had struck him in that moment with Lucius that he had been infatuated with her, as much as he did feel for her and as true as those emotions were pure, he had honestly been infatuated with her. By the idea of her. He had seen Lily that first afternoon playing in that small wooded area with her sister, flowers dancing about her, watching her fly from her swing, and since that very day he had been captivated by her and with her.

Once he had come to terms with that realization, he had been able to dissect what had went wrong in their friendship. Because, things were wrong long before he had hurt her and she had hurt him. 

It had also given him the clarity to really see her for all of her faults and all of her hits, it had been a hard notion for him to swallow that she might not be as he thought she was. She was human, imperfect and scarred. She wasn't a beacon of hope, a shinning light that made all the wrong in the world seem right. She wasn't an angel sent to save him or cleanse his soul. She was just a girl. A girl that had made his life better by being his friend, and hurt him more than anyone he'd ever known.

Severus knew he was fucked up. He'd always be. He was abused, mentally and physically, from a young age, he knew he'd never be normal. He'd never be able to process emotions as well as he should. He knew he was cold, persnickety, often off-handedly rude. He would never be Potter, he'd never be on top, never be a golden boy. He wasn't warm, kind, or even that caring. The difference was, he loved her. He cared about her.

She had been a good friend to him, she might've been weary of his choices concerning his house and his future with them, but she had always been good to him. She defended him against her friends and his rivals, she made it a point to spend as much time with him as possible in school, and devoted her whole summers to them. She had listened to him when he actually decided to speak about things that bothered him, she tried to help him work through his complexes brought on by his parents. The only reason he was able to be friends with Lucius and Regulus was because she made him more open, less tight. 

But, he couldn't lean on her, not in the way that he used to. Other friends were a big factor in helping him not to do just that. He couldn't need her like he use to, not anymore. It wouldn't work well for them, to be in a one sided relationship. And most importantly, he needed to decide about telling her his feelings. His feelings for her. They hindered their friendship, and if – the magical if – the two of them were to somehow fix their friendship, he needed her to know why he said and did the things he did.

He ran his hands over his face, grounding the heels of his palms into his eyes, and sighed. What if she didn't want to fix things between them? What if she was completely content with the way her life was without him, and she wanted to talk to him so she could break it easy? No. She had been slipping back into normalcy around him, she just wanted to talk. He convinced himself of that.

He picked himself up off of his bed, grabbed his book, stuffed his wand in his pocket and made his way down the stairs and out the backdoor of the kitchen, ignoring the fact that his mother was now sitting at the table, staring out the window and didn't even notice his leaving. He pushed his way through the woods that separated their neighborhoods, and stomped his way to the clearing. He didn't care if he was early, didn't care if he had to wait hours – he wasn't even aware of what time it was at the moment – he just needed to get out of that house. The quiet, the stillness, it was deafening. His thoughts were too heavy, too much for him to bear at the moment. So, he made his way out to the shore of the creek.

He bypassed the forts that they use to make, some of them still standing, and he was sure their camping gear was still stuffed inside them. Untouched. He pushed his way through the trees they use to climb, and dropped himself down on the grassy bank of the creek. He sat there, with his back against a tree, his knees pulled up to his chest and closed his eyes.

He was nervous.

Something he wasn't usually accustomed to feeling – especially with Lily.

He wasn't sure what to expect from this meeting, from this conversation with her. He felt the ball of nerves settle in his stomach. He opened the book he'd brought, attempting to drown out the beating of his heart that seemed too loud in his ears.

Severus tapped his fingers against his thighs, itching for a cigarette, wondering if he had enough time to smoke one before Lily arrived. He didn't care if she saw him smoking, she'd seen it all before, that little mysterious, Lily look returning to her green eyes when she watched him take a drag. He knew it was an undoubtedly Muggle thing for him to do, he knew it wasn't good for him and certainly didn't make him look at all cool like the adds claimed. But, it calmed him, and gave him something to do while killing time. 

He was anxious, which was why he wanted one right now. But, he was weary about it for some odd reason. He didn't want Lily to comment on it, didn't want her to think anything of it, or him. He just wanted her undivided attention during whatever this meeting was.

What was this meeting?

His heart thumped faster in his chest. He tried to push those thoughts away as he picked up the book beside him and started to read as he waited for her.

The whole scenario felt so oddly normal that he wanted to go back home and ignore it. Him, sitting by the creek, book in hand, waiting on her. That was the story of his life. If he had an autobiography, that would be the description. No one would buy that book.

He tried to focus on the words in front of him, tried to push her and this meeting out of his head, attempted to grasp the sentences before him. He took a deep breath in, held it for a moment, before pushing it back out and making his mind go blank – as he use to do as a child. He readjusted himself against the tree and dug into the delightfully heavy book in his hands.


	6. Chapter 6

He sat there for a while, reading, he wasn't even sure how long, but at some point he heard her tromping through the small wilderness behind him. He kept his eyes trained to the pages as she approached, he could feel her presence, unmoving, staring. He said nothing.

“I can still tell when you're pretending.”

He looked up from the book then to see her standing in the clearing a few feet away from him. She was in her standard summer attire of shorts and a t-shirt, her hair thrown up in a ponytail. She looked so normal, so how he was use to seeing her, it made his chest hurt. Her arms were crossed over her chest, though not in a defensive way. More of a protective gesture than anything else, a just somewhere to put her hands position. Her eyes were set on his, he quirked a brow.

“I was reading.”

She just raised her brows and couldn't stifle the small smile that played on her lips, “Okay.” She took the few tentative steps over to him and sat beside him, her knees draw up to her chest in a matching fashion. She wrapped her arms around her knees and pushed forward to rest her chest on her thighs. She didn't turn to look at him. “So.”

He put down his book, looking at her profile. Her eyes were trained on the still water in front of them, her mouth set into that natural frown, he couldn't read her. Now he understood why it frustrated her to no end when he put his walls up, resting into himself. It was annoying. “So.” He responded in turn.

Lily turned her head to gaze at him from where he sat beside her. He was expressionless, unreadable, unapproachable. He had reverted to the boy he used to be, all her hard work on coaxing him out of his own head was gone. He was back to being blank.

“Well, here we are.” He simply nodded, holding her gaze. He wasn't going to talk first, she could already tell this was going to be like pulling teeth with him.

“You said you wanted to talk, catch up.” He shrugged a shoulder, “Here I am.”

She sighed, “You know that's not entirely what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then.”

She unravelled herself and turned towards him, “Don't do that. Don't hide yourself behind defensive questions.”

He hated that she knew him. Hated that even when he was completely unreadable, she still managed to pinpoint a small something about him. She was one of the only people that had mastered the art of seeing him, and it irked him. 

He let his body loosen slightly, his eyes less narrowed as he looked at her. “Fine. Where do you want to begin.”

It was a good question, where did she want to start? She felt totally unprepared for this conversation now.

She let her eyes drop from his gaze, her body still turned towards him. “I'm still mad. And upset.” She lifted her eyes to gage his reaction. “But, I can't say that running into you last week didn't make me think. We were friends for a long time, Sev, and I really didn't listen to you that night you came to apologize. But,” She paused a moment to try and stop the pounding of her heart in her ears. “I really don't think you realize how much you hurt me.”

His gaze was strong as it connected with hers, it gave her a headache. He tore his eyes away from hers, looking out in front of him, his body language stiff. “I do.”

“Don't be distant. Not when I'm being this honest with you.”

He sighed and turned to face her just as she was facing him. “Happy?” He scowled slightly. She just looked at him, it bothered him that she looked pained when speaking about this. It bothered him that he'd hurt her feelings, that he'd made her cry. He understood how badly he'd hurt her, he did. He just didn't know how to tell her that. “I meant what I said that night in the hallway. I didn't mean to call you that, and I certainly would've slept there all night if I had to.”

“I know you would have. I know just how stubborn you are.”

“And, sorry?” He couldn't help but become distant when he said it. He didn't want to crack in front of her. “Do you know how sorry I am?”

It was her turn to sigh now and look away, “I'm trying to.”

They let the moment hang in the air as he looked away from her too, the small sounds of the woods echoing in between them. His voice sounded awkward to his ears when he asked his next question, he fought back a wince that threatened to take over his features at the sound. “Why now?”

Petunia's words floated back into Lily's head. She had asked her the same question only this morning, and this morning Lily hadn't been able to answer it honestly. Hours later, she found herself in the same position.

“I don't know.” That was as honest as she could get. She didn't know, she hadn't a proper clue why it was now of all times. So, that's what she told him. “I honestly don't. I had been pushing thoughts of you away for so long, trying my hardest not to even think about you because it hurt too much.” She looked to him then, catching his dark eyes and pining them with hers. “I'm not a weak girl, I don't just have breakdowns left and right. But, it took me a while to be able to look at you without wanting to cry.”

She watched his jaw clench and his dark eyes harden, “Lily – ”

“I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm telling you because it's the truth. For the majority of my life, Petunia and I have been at odds, the other children at Primary liked me because I was friendly, but, they all knew. They all knew I was different. Even at Hogwarts, think of how many students don't like me simply because I'm a Muggleborn.” She let out an empty laugh, looking like she might cry at any moment. “You've... always been mine. Always been on my side.”

He felt his neck flush at her words, he was hers, she just needed to realize to what extent. He wanted to pull his eyes away from her, knowing that if she started crying, he may do things he'd regret later. And this was not a conversation or a time he wanted to regret. No, this was about moving forward. About understanding.

“You've always been my closest friend, my biggest ally, even in our differences. You care about me like no one else ever has. And, I just... respect you so much. Which is why it hurt the most coming from you. I never thought you'd be the one to hurt me.”

“I never meant to.”

She nodded, “I know.”

Lily stood then, walking down towards the edge of the creek, he knew it was to hide the tears that had so desperately wanted to fall. He gave her a moment before he followed after her the short distance she had walked and came to stand beside her. They were quiet, just looking out over the still water. They stood there for a while before he spoke.

“I clung to you.” He could feel her head turning to look at him, but he kept on looking ahead, ignoring her piercing stare. “You were so normal, so open and warm. I had no idea people could be like you. I was never use to it, sometimes I'm still not. When you decided to become my friend, I clung to you, very hard.”

He turned to look at her, her brows were lightly furrowed, her nose a little red from her crying. Her eyes were glassy, and her irises shone brighter green from the tears. She was giving him a version of that look, that secret Lily look. She didn't say anything, so he kept going.

“I was alone, at home, in school, in Slytherin; all I had was you. It probably wasn't very healthy.”

She shook her head, “No, I don't think it was.” She watched his shoulders sink a little. “But, that doesn't mean it was wrong. It worked for us, for a while.” Lily sighed, “I clung to you as well, I used our relationship to fill all my other problems.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets, looking forward. “I hate that your civil with them. Kind, even.”

He wasn't sure why that quite literally just fell out of his mouth, why he had chosen that moment to let it tumble and jump the conversation. He could tell by her confusion lifting easily that she knew to who he was referring to.

“I hate that your civil with them. Friends, even.”

Severus couldn't help the scowl that fell onto his face, “That's different.”

She sighed, her arms coming to cross over her chest. “Why?” She demanded.

And now they were arguing. Of course they were arguing. He wondered how long it would take them to start yelling, it took more time than he originally expected.

“Because they're hardly of any concern, they keep to themselves – ”

“Hardly of any concern?” Lily cut him off, her tone rising. “Mulciber tried to Imperio Mary in Third year. Third year! He was lucky he wasn't expelled. Him and Avery have always prayed on anyone they deemed “unworthy”.”

“Including me.” His tone took on a harsh quality as he spoke. “It's not all peaches and fucking cream inside Slytherin, you know. Everyone hates me, they've always hated me. My own house was no different. So what if we befriended one another? That's one less person that's going to hex me into a wall.”

“So what?" Her voice rose with his accusation. "So what? They're horrific humans, Severus. All they do is degrade and bully people, and being someone whose been pushed around, you should hate them, not condone what they're doing.”

“Please, Lily, keep preaching about things you know so much about.”

Her eyes were hard as they stared up into his. “They want to kill me because my blood isn't pure, they'd kill you too if they got the chance. Halfblood Prince, remember? They're hateful people who are obsessed with purity, following around a guy intent on mass genocide. Open a fucking history textbook and see how well that turns out!”

“I never said I wanted to become a Death Eater.”

“Well, you certainly didn't deny it either.”

His eyes narrowed, “That's childish and petty.”

“Alright, well, do you?”

“Do I what?”

She set her jaw, her eyes hard enough to cut class. “Do you want to become a Death Eater.”

He kept her gaze, taking a moment to answer, he could tell his silence set her on edge. “I don't know.” He watched her face fall. “I mean it, Lily, I don't know what I want.”

“How could you ever... ” She took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry again, not now. “You might as well kill me yourself then.”

Severus shook his head and looked away from her. “Don't even say that.” He brought his hand up to run through his hair. “I could never and I would never. But, I would like to belong somewhere, to be in charge of something. That's what sounded so appealing.”

“Even if it means killing people?” Her tone sounded desperate and whining, making herself cringe. He didn't answer her. “If you want to belong somewhere, join a club. If you want to be in charge of something, get a cat. You don't need to be a Death Eater to feel those things.”

He whirled on her then, coming to fully face her. “You don't understand, Lily. I don't fully expect you to, because, how could you? You've never been ousted, never been made to feel like nothing. You have parents who care for you, a sibling who speaks to you, friends who follow you, classmates who envy you, and teachers who worship you. How could I ever expect you to understand how it feels to have someone hate you, to have people hate you, to be pushed around by dickheads and parents who simultaneously ignore my existence and – ” He cut himself off, already feeling as though he'd said too much.

His breathing was heavy, his eyes narrowed. She held her ground, “And, what? What do they do?” She knew this was a line, one that Severus only ever toed. She knew things inside the Snape home weren't great, proof of that was how skinny Severus had been his whole life, the suspicions she held about why he would never take his shirt off when they swam, how he so harshly defended himself against kids in school. He had never actually said the words to her, never once in their whole seven years of friendship did he even acknowledge it. But, she knew. She knew that things inside his family life were not good. She knew, just knew, his father laid hands on him. And, she knew his mother did nothing about it.

He didn't take the leap, he quickly changed the subject, as he always did when the conversation didn't go his way. He didn't want to talk about his parents, not now, not during this argument. “Potter and them are just as cruel as Mulciber and Avery.”

“Yes, they are.” He was stunned into silence and almost sputtering as he heard her say those words. She was, agreeing with him? Lily took in his shocked appearance and knew he wasn't expecting her to say that. “The Marauders are spineless pricks, schoolyard bullies who need to show off how “macho” they are to inflate their egos. The only difference is they don't want to kill anyone.”

Severus scoffed, “Give them a few years, they'll grow into it.”

“No, they won't. For as rude as they are, as cruel as they are, they're not going to be the ones to dabble in dark magic. They'll, unfortunately, be the ones who join the Aurors right out of school and become a Goddamn Wizard Cop. They're not evil, they're just dickheads.”

“And what about all he's done to me? Huh? All because he's a jealous little worm. What about that? Is that not evil?”

“You're right. He is jealous of you. And he's ruthless because of it.” Her words silenced him again, he said jealous, she said jealous of him. Of him. How Potter could ever be jealous of him was astounding, almost unbelievable. Laughable, even. But, that serious look in her eyes made him know she wasn't saying that to appease him. That it was actually true. “He's intimidated by you, by our relationship. He could literally never grasp the concept of our friendship, he doesn't understand why I'd rather be around you than him. That's why he's such a prick, he knows I thought you better than him and it drives him mad.”

He couldn't look away from her, no matter how much he wanted to. And he couldn't control the way his low voice came out harsher than he intended. “I hate him.”

She simply nodded. “I know you do.” She sighed and brought her eyes down from his. “I know that he's cruel to you, and I know your friends in Slytherin are cruel to you – some of it, because of me. This last year they hardly bothered you, if us not being friends saves you from pain, then I'll do what I can to keep it that way. I don't like to see you hurt, regardless of what's happened between us.”

“I don't need you to save me.” It came out low, almost so that she couldn't hear him. But, his tone was surprisingly light, like he was almost apologetic. “I don't know why everything thinks I need you to save me.”

She sat down then, exhausted. She laid back on the ground and stared up at the bright sky, she could hear him seating himself down beside her. Her long hair pooled around her head from the ponytail, contrasting vividly with the green grass beneath them. Her fair skin looked rosy from the heat and her eyes still bright from crying. He'd never seen anyone more beautiful. 

“You know, I do know how you feel – to some extent.” She turned her head to face him, catching his eyes and breaking the small silence that had surrounded them. “You said how could I. But, I have felt ousted, I have been made to feel like nothing.” She let out a sigh, she looked lost all of a sudden. “I don't fit anywhere, Sev. All the purebloods and Slytherins hate me, everyone else expects me to be something that they think I should be, my parents don't even have a clue, Petunia is... Petunia, and the Muggles don't trust me anymore. They know that I'm odd. That something is different. I understand it more than you think.”

He couldn't pull his eyes away from her. “I hadn't thought about you like that.”

“I just feel so... ”

“Unsure.” He added for her.

She kept her gaze, “Yes.” She looked away then, bringing her gaze to focus on something above her, something that wasn't Severus' intense, dark eyes. “I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. We graduate this year, and I don't have a plan – I haven't even thought of a plan.” She chuckled darkly to herself, “That's what they all want, isn't it? To see me fail, to realize I'm not as great as they all think.”

“You're being ridiculous.” She looked back at him then, finding the harshness in his voice she knew she'd come to expect there when she talked down about herself. “Who gives a shit what they think? You know who you are, you know what you're good at and what you can manage. You'll figure it out, even if it takes you a whole year after Hogwarts, you'll figure it out.”

Lily kept his gaze for a while, not saying anything, just looking. She finally nodded and tore her eyes way from his. They said nothing for minutes, until she uttered something so low, he almost didn't hear it. “I am sorry, you know.”

His brows furrowed, “For what?”

She shrugged a shoulder, “For everything. For not trusting you as much as I should have, for pushing you away because I was scared. For generally being so upset about everything. I have no idea what was wrong with me. It's just... when you started pulling away, I had no clue what to do. And, when you called me that, when you acted just like everyone else, I just snapped. I couldn't take it. And, a part of me is still convinced that you meant it, that it wasn't an accident, that you really do think of me that way.”

“Lily, I don't.” He said quickly. A part of him really wanted to take her hand, but he didn't. “I don't feel that way at all. I don't believe in all that blood purity shit, I don't think that the state of anyone's blood should have any affect on how others perceive you. I'm a good wizard, I'm smart and grasp magic better than most, that has nothing to do with the fact that my mother is a pureblood and my father isn't.”

That was the most she'd ever heard him say on his own behalf. Severus was undeniably modest and had the lowest self-esteem she'd met in a person, he didn't believe the astounding parts of himself, which is why it was so shocking to hear him say those things. She had a feeling he was only willing to say them to convince her of his argument and not because he believed it.

“You're a great witch, Lily. You're bright and – what does Slughorn call you? The cleverest witch of your era? It's true. Don't let anyone ever make you feel less than based on something that has no actual relevance – including me.” He ran his hand though his hair and sighed. “I'm eternally sorry for calling you a Mudblood.” Lily had to hold back a cringe at the word, but he continued on as if he hadn't noticed. “You were my first friend, my first honest friend, and I care for you, I probably always will. And I need you to know that I truly didn't mean it and if I could go back and change it, I would. I'm sorry.”

She nodded, inwardly moved by his confession, taking in all that he said and willing herself not to start crying again at his words. She pushed herself up into a sitting position then, quietly. They sat beside one another, looking out over the still water of the creek, the little trees on the small island in the middle of the water rustled in the light breeze. They didn't look at each other.

“Why can't things be easy?” She sounded exhausted.

“Because then there would be no story.” He answered simply.

They were quiet again, but it wasn't awkward.

“I hated last year.”

“I know.” They both knew that was his way of saying that he hated it too.

“I liked it at first, thought I was being feminist and all that. But then, I dunno, I was just lonely in a way I hadn't expected.”

“It's not as much fun being by yourself as you'd think.”

She shook her head, “No, it's not.”

Lily bit a her bottom lip, the words itching to come out. She wanted to tell him, wanted to just get it off her chest, tell the secret. What Petunia had said earlier was lurking about in her mind still, she kept wondering if it was true. Did he like her? Did he ever or still have feelings for her? She couldn't tell him, because if it was true, if he did like her like Petunia thought he did, it would crush him.

They were quiet again, for a few moments it was just the sounds of the water and the trees, their even breathing. Lily could tell he wanted to say something, but he couldn't get it out. She turned to face him, hoping her attention would make it easier for him.

Severus let his eyes stray to hers, he wanted to ask her that burning question, but he couldn't bring himself to. She was looking at him expectantly, waiting for whatever he was about to say. He just pushed it out.

“What does this mean?”

“What?” She gestured vaguely between them. “This?”

“Yes.”

Lily was at a loss of words. What did he want it to mean? “I don't know. We haven't gotten to that yet.”

“Are we repatching or getting closure?”

She could tell that was a hard question for him to ask. His jaw was tight and his shoulders haunched. She thought it over, the options he gave. He was putting everything on her, letting her make all the decisions, because then she couldn't shoot him down if he picked one she didn't want. He was doing the same thing as he always did, he was reverting back to old patterns. They couldn't do that, they just couldn't.

“Pick one, and we'll talk about it.”

His eyes narrowed at her, “What?”

“I said, pick one and we'll talk about it. I'm not choosing so you don't have to feel bad if I say no. That's what you've done our whole friendship. It's easier if I pick and you just throw in your two cents. Well, no more of that. We need to make changes if we want to be friends again.”

“Do we? Want to be friends again?”

She felt a small flush rise over her collarbones, she had just assumed that they would. She spoke slowly, figuring out her feelings as she did so. “I think so, yes.” She looked to him expectantly. “And you? What do you want?”

Severus thought it over, so many thoughts and feelings flying through him. What did he want? Well, that was a stupid question, he knew exactly what he wanted, but what was good for him to choose? He liked Lily in his life, he wanted her there. If anything thing past year had taught him was that he could grow, he could mature, he could see things from a different view. Maybe they could be friends again, maybe they could repatch and rebuild. 

“I think I'd like that.”

She gave him this small smile, her eyes shinning oddly. He liked that look.

“Okay.”

He nodded slowly, “Okay.”

“So, this means we want to be friends again.”

“If you can forgive my momentary lapse of sanity, than, yes.”

It was her turn to nod slowly, “You'll have to help me, forgive you.”

“I think I can do that.”

They stared at each other, unmoving, barely blinking. Lily wanted to feel uncomfortable, expected to, but she didn't. She kept his dark gaze, baring through the intensity of it. She forgot how intense he was, how much it almost took her breath away.

She finally let her eyes linger around his pale face, glancing at the small changes she couldn't have noticed unless she was this close to him. He looked older, somehow. His eyes darker, and if possible, even more intense. His nose was still hooked from being broken and repaired without magic, his jaw still sharp enough to cut glass, his ink colored hair growing from his last cut. His pale skin was smooth and still maintained its unhealthy pallor. He still looked broody and annoyed.

Lily could feel his eyes doing the same to her. She could only imagine that he was counting the small smattering of freckles that faded cross her nose, tracing the wisps of baby hairs that tickled her forehead and her neck. He knew he was probably comparing the sheen of her hair to how bright it use to be when they were young, and how she still dressed like a thirteen year old boy.

She wanted nothing more than to crack open that brain of his and burrow herself in his mind. Just once she wanted to know what he was thinking, what he thought of when he looked at her, when she spoke or reacted. She wanted nothing more than a glimpse, to simply just know. He had always been hard to read, now was no different. She couldn't decode his expression, the look in his brown eyes, or what the natural downturn of his lips meant. She was in Ancient Runes without a key code, unable to even fathom what was on that mind of his.

Severus finally managed to pull his gaze away from her and she did the same, looking up at the still bright summer sky. She grabbed his wrist, ignoring the way her heart sped up at the contact of skin on skin, and looked at his old watch. She knew that if she didn't leave soon, she'd be late for dinner.

“I should probably go.”

Severus swallowed thickly. He could still feel the heat of her fingers pressed into his forearm, willing the pounding of his heart to subside, the rushing in his ears to fade, and flip flopping of his stomach to pass. He simply nodded and cleared his throat.

“Yeah.”

She let go of his wrist and pushed herself from the ground, brushing grass and dirt from her shorts. He stood too, mimicking her and putting some distance between them.

They stood, looking at one another, both unsure of how to leave this. Lily shoved her hands into her back pockets, watching as he did the same pushed his hands into his front pockets. His hair falling about his face, his shoulders haunched. 

“I have dance tomorrow.”

He nodded. “Alright.”

“I'm done at two.”

“Okay.”

She nodded and began to walk backwards towards her part of the woods. “Okay.” She pulled her hands out of her pockets and turned around, beginning into the forrest. “I'll see you tomorrow?” She threw over her shoulder.

“Yeah.”

And then she was gone.

Severus ran a hand through his hair and started off towards his own home, hoping that Eileen had managed to stay awake long enough to make dinner. If not, he'd take some Muggle money from the jar upstairs and head off towards the diner in town. That's all he could manage thinking about – food, dinner, what he might be having to eat. His brain too heavy to even conceive thinking about his conversation with Lily. No, that was a before bed line of thought. That's what would keep him awake that night and well into morning. He unconsciously touched the spot on his wrist where he could still feel her fingertips pressing. 

But, right now, all he could think about was that he certainly hoped Eileen hadn't attempted to make Gran's soup again.


	7. Chapter 7

He pulled another drag from the cigarette poised at his lips, ignoring the looks he was getting from people that passed by on the street. He leaned back against the brick building, hoping that the heat would dissipate some as the week wore on, it had been staying at a steady temperature that was a bit too hot for his liking. The heat, of course, didn't deter him from wearing his standard attire of dark clothing that consisted of pants and a t-shirt. But, he knew the black button down he'd thrown over his shirt on this warm day wasn't entirely why he was getting looks. He always got looks, especially when he hung around the nicer parts of town.

He was use to that, use to the way people looked and treated him. It was nothing new. He looked back down at the ground, bringing the cigarette up to his lips, his mind turning. Early this morning he had gotten up and rummaged through his closet, pushing past the shit to find the box he'd kept in there. It was a plain brown shoe box, nothing fancy or embellished about it. But inside, it held all the tangible memories of his time as Lily's best friend. It had been too emotional to look at them as they so casually sat about his room, so he had stuffed them into a box, as they deserved, and didn't think about them.

Something Lily had said yesterday made him think about it, pulled at him to open the box and pick through it. If that made him pathetic, so be it.

He had fingered through the hefty stack of polaroids that sat in the box, Lily had most of them, in a binder or something of the like, but he had managed to keep some as well. They were young in the majority of them, gawky and strange looking in their youth, but they looked happy. And that was more than he could say about them now.

They weren't magical pictures, there were no movement or bashful blinking eyes. No, it was just a moment, a singular moment, caught in time. He preferred them that way. He did enjoy magical pictures, especially when he was younger and would visit with his Gran, the way they moved and smiled, and looked and gleamed. But, there was just something so... poetic about a muggle picture. Something so tragic and aged. They were not moving, but they were caught in time, nonetheless.

Lily had always been a beautiful child, even in her awkward years. He, on the other hand, had not. Looking through those pictures had made him hold even more of a disdain for himself than he had previously. He had been awkward and shy – not that he still wasn't awkward and shy, because he most certainly was – not fitting into his body or at all comfortable with having a girl as a friend. Or, having a friend at all.

But, they seemed happy in those pictures. Truly happy. Carefree and whimsical, untouched by hate and the notion to conform. A part of him longed for those days back, for those feelings back, but he knew better. If he hadn't gone through what he had, he would not be who he was right now. And, for the first time in a very long time, he actually liked who he was in this moment. He liked who he was becoming.

He had never wanted Lily to think ill of him. He had always wanted to be in her favor, knowing that at any moment the dream reality they had been living in could crumble and she would see him for what he really was, how everyone else saw him. He thought of how much of an odd dream it had been to run into her and Petunia when they were younger, and become her friend. Things like that didn't happen to people like him, his short life thus far had proved that. But, for whatever reason, she had found him interesting and smart, and fun. As a child he had never thought that he'd have friends, that good things would happen to him, but she had proved him wrong – just like she had so many times.

But, all good things come to an end, and his friendship with her had. It had been one of the single most devastating moments of his life, dramatic as it sounded. He had bucked up, moved on, and tried to be the person that she had always told him he was. He had never believed a lick of it, never believing any of the good things she said about him, always thought she was just trying to placate him, to be nice. It took her pushing him away to see that she was right. How ironic that he started living her kind words after he had lost her.

All last year he had wondered if she'd see the change in him, seen the way he and Regulus studied and helped the others in their house. Defusing fights and ignoring jabs. He hadn't done it for her, he just just... woken up. She had pushed him to be a better person – not to conform him to the Gryffindor way or to be more like Dumbledore or whatever – but to make him see how wonderful he truly was. And, while he still didn't believe he was at all wonderful or any of the sweet adjectives she'd at one time used to describe him, he had started to see things from a different angle – without the hanging cloud of insecurity and self-doubt.

For as much as he disliked Lily Evans for pushing him away and tugging at his heart, he had to thank her for being the truest friend he'd ever encountered. 

Maybe that was why he hadn't run away yet and retreated into himself, why he was standing outside the dance studio waiting on her, why he let her reel him back in. She was honest and he appreciated that. If she was making the effort to mend what was broken, who was he to stand by and do nothing? This was what he had wanted all last summer and throughout the year, what he had craved and desired. A second chance. A way to prove that he wasn't the bad guy they all thought he was. Someone worthy of her love.

Because he did, love her. Which, of course, pissed him off to no end. And all his short life, the eight years he'd known her, all he had ever wanted was for her to love him as well.

People started filing out of the building, girls mostly, gossiping and laughing as they walked out the door and down the street. He ignored them, just as they primarily ignored him, and waited. It didn't take long for her to come out, her ponytail swishing as she walked, her backpack hanging low, a button down tied around her waist.

She turned right and didn't notice him leaning against the wall on her left, she was humming to a song he had been hearing on the radio recently, a new single from a band he knew all too well. He snuffed out his cigarette and easily caught up with her long strides, scaring her as he quietly fell into step beside her and pushing all serious thoughts out of his head.

“Blondie?”

She jumped back, her eyes rounding comically, a hand placed over her chest. “Sev.”

“Sorry.” He apologized for frightening her.

She fell back into step beside him, laughing a bit. “Thanks for the heart attack. But, to answer your question – yes, Blondie. It's their new single, Sunday Girl. It's quite good, I'm rather obsessed with it now.”

He just rolled his eyes, “What aren't you obsessed with when it comes to Blondie?”

Lily just smiled, saying nothing as they continued down the street. She chanced a look over at him, thoroughly surprised to see that he had been waiting for her, that he had come all the way out to see her. “Are you hungry? I'm famished.”

Severus didn't say anything about Lily's very liberal use of dramatics, as he once would have, and nodded. “Sure.” He could see that she was looking at him from the corner of her eye, a small smile on her lips. “We never discussed a time to meet back up today, so, I thought I'd just wait for you.”

She was giving him that secret look again, it irked him and made his chest tight all at once. “Okay.”

They walked in the direction of McCullough's, a diner that they had frequented growing up, and one that they both still came to, though now separately. They hadn't eaten there together in a long time, maybe winter break of Fifth year, but Severus couldn't remember for certain. He felt a little odd that they were unconsciously falling back into step with each other, he didn't even really think that Lily noticed that they were about to enter the old diner that use to house their stifled summer time energy. If she did noticed, she didn't let on.

The walk was silent, Severus didn't know what to say and Lily, for once, didn't feel the need to fill the silence with any of her mindless chatter. She walked beside him, silent as he was, taking it all in. Neither of them uttered a word until the cool air of McCullough's hit their bared flesh and they were seated in a booth near the door.

The waitress smiled at them in that suspicious kind of way that they were always prone to get when people saw her and Severus together. Lily had never been sure why, but she had a sneaking suspicion that people always thought they were dating and that made them uncomfortable, or that they were step siblings that seemed too close for comfort and that also made them uncomfortable. When they were younger, she had just rolled her eyes and ignored people's stares, but now, she couldn't help but feel a little protective of their fragile state and the way the waitress glared at them with her smile.

“What can I grab you?”

“I'll have a water and a Lilt.” She saw Severus scrunch his nose at her choice in soda, never understanding how she could drink the fruity tang that was Lilt. She cracked a smile at his obvious displeasure in her ordering, before seeing the way the older waitress looked at them again. “And you, dear, what do you want?”

Severus glared at her with narrow eyes from across the booth, clearly not understanding what she was doing and didn't like being called dear in the slightest. With a quirked brow he looked back up to the pinched looking waitress, which reminded her of when Petunia was displeased, and ordered a Dandelion and Burdock, which in turn had Lily scrunching her nose.

The waitress left with a linger stare at the pair tucked away in the corner and Lily turned her gaze back to Severus who was looking at her like she'd added an ingredient too early to his potion. “Dear?”

She just shrugged a shoulder, leaning back in the booth and ripping up the napkin in front of her. “She's always pissed me off, assuming there's something weird going on with us. I just gave her something to assume.”

He just shook his head, leaning back as well, relaxing a bit and crossing his arms over his chest. “Next time go for something a little less generic than, dear.”

She gave a small laugh, a smile lingering on her face. “I'll try.”

The presumptive older woman came back with their drinks and took their orders, leaving as quickly as she came, but keeping an eye on the two throughout.

“What?” Severus asked once the woman left them, taking a sip of his drink.

“Dandelion and Burdock? You still drink that?”

Severus narrowed his gaze, “Lilt? You still drink that crap?”

She dropped her jaw in mock appall, “It isn't crap! It's delicious tangy sweetness.” She gave a grossed out look towards his own drink. “That's sassafras and crushed dandelion and burdock.”

He took another deep drink for emphasis and even did a little ah afterwards, which caused her to snort and smile. “It's sarsaparilla, actually.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Oh, excuse me. It still tastes bitter.”

“Like my soul.” He joked.

She gave him an odd look that he couldn't quite read, but he knew that she was at least partially upset by his words, the mood shifting. “Don't say that.”

He gave a nonchalant shrug. “Why not?”

She threw him a piercing look, “Because it's not true, and you shouldn't speak about yourself like that.”

He couldn't meet her eyes and instead inspected the glass bottle that held his soda. It was quiet again, neither of them finding things to say or comment on, it wasn't until the waitress came back with their food that Severus spoke up again. “Why do you care so much?”

Lily looked up from her fries, but didn't meet his eyes. “Character flaw, I guess.”

And there he was, back to not understanding her again.

It was easy to fall back into witty banter and casual shrugs of response, it hadn't really surprised him that they had. But, this – real, honest conversation – now that threw him for a loop.

He didn't know where they stood, unsure of how to play this out. They were back to being reserved again, like they had on that first accidental meeting over a week ago. He wasn't use to that. They had never been the type of friends that tended to participate in awkward silences or not tell each other the truth, but as he sat in the booth across from her, watching as she wouldn't meet his gaze and the silence heavy around them, he wondered if this is just what they had become.

Maybe it was too hard, maybe there were too many things between them to go back to the way things had been.

She eyed him through her lashes, but didn't look directly at him or meet his gaze. He looked at her then, really looked at her in a way he hadn't been afforded in the few times they had met recently. But here, in the well-lit diner, her sitting across from him, and not pining him with her magnetic stare, he could look.

Her hair seemed lighter, although he took that as being caused by the summer sun, and it was still a rich red that fell in slight waves around her. Her skin was still clear and pale, only the light smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose blemishing her skin. He had always found them charming, her freckles, she had always rolled her eyes. Her eyes, which were presently downcast, were still that deep emerald green color he had yet to find on another person, her lashes long and light when not coated in the mascara she so loved to wear. Her lips naturally upturned in an eternal smile, pinker than the shade of her skin, her lower lip plump and perfect.

She looked the same and old all at once, looking just as she had in those polaroids, and different yet. She seemed older to him now, aged, like she didn't belong here sitting in this diner with him, like she didn't fit in the clothes she wore or the smile. She was different now, and so was he.

“So, tell me what I've missed.”

He looked up from his food to glance at her. Her head was raised now, her eyes locking with his. Apparently she wanted to speak now. His brows furrowed, “What?”

She pinned him with her stare, he hated every second of it. “You know, we haven't really spoken in a year, I feel like I don't know anything about you anymore.”

That statement summed up everything he felt. They didn't really know anything about each other anymore. And that notion hurt him more than it should.

He set down his drink and haunched his shoulders forward, giving her his undivided attention. “What do you want to know?”

Lily let her eyes wander from his for a second, thinking. “Tell me about what you've been doing.”

He gave a shrug of his shoulder, “Not much, I suppose.”

She just gave him that stare, “Really? That's all you're gonna give me?”

Severus sighed and rolled his dark eyes, “It wasn't that interesting, Lily. My life wasn't that interesting when we were friends, either. Mostly, Regulus and I strayed away from drama and worked to improve our marks. We'd meet up with Lucius at Hogsmeade and listen to him bitch and complain about his internship or his relationship.” He brought his stare back to hers. “See, not interesting or exciting.”

She had that odd little smile on her face, like she was barely aware that she was doing it. “Mine wasn't all that enthralling either.”

He nodded, “I bet.”

“I mostly just read and listened to Alice talk about how dashing Frank is.”

He cracked a small smile at that, for whatever reason. “We're very interesting people.”

Lily fully smiled at that, “Yes, we are.”

They finished their food and paid the bill, Lily ignoring the rude waitress as they walked out. They walked in compatible silence from the diner until they reached their neighborhood, and then they started in about the potions they had brewed last year and the very drab Slugclub events they had been forced to attended, and even broached the topic of how awkward it had been not speaking to one another during those functions.

They had pushed through the woods and made their way into the clearing, Lily dropping her bag and her shoes, sitting right at the edge of the bank and dipping her feet in the water. Severus came and sat down beside her, a good bit of distance between them. They just sat for a while, over looking the water, listening to the small rustle in the trees, ignoring the heat from the very warm day. He could tell it was silent because she was trying to figure out how to say what was on her mind. He saw the downturn of her lips, the very small furrow in her brow, her eyes slightly narrowed at something he couldn't see. It didn't take her long to spit it out.

“Did you...” She paused, unsure of how to phrase this awkward question she was asking him. And, she couldn't keep the beating of her heart down, afraid of his answer. “See anyone last year?” Sensing his confusion behind the meaning of her question, she elaborated. “Date.”

Lily watched his shoulders go back and his eyes snap away from her. He didn't respond at first, and she was almost tempted to repeat the question. But, then after what felt like a year, he answered briskly. “No.”

“Oh.”

He still wasn't turned towards her, but she could clearly see the way his brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “Why would you think that?”

She shrugged a shoulder, “Dunno, just thought that maybe since you weren't hanging around a muggleborn Gyffindor anymore – ”

Severus cut her off with merely a look. A steely, piercing look that cut through her and made her feel belittled and stupid for even asking the question in the first place. 

“It doesn't matter if we were together or not, barely anyone speaks to me regardless.” He snorted, “I highly doubt that simply because I no longer have you attached to my shoulder, hordes of girls are flocking to me.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “I'm not saying hordes, but there was always the possibility of some girls.” 

Now it was Severus' turn to roll his eyes, “Please. Spare me.”

She leaned over and pushed at his shoulder to scold him, “Oh, come on. Like you never noticed Rachel Rosier staring at you during Potions. You can't be that blind.”

He scrunched up his nose at the thought of Rachel Rosier staring at him at all. She wasn't completely fowl, but that was the last thing he needed in his life – a Pureblood purist girlfriend with ties to the underground rebel organization known as the Death Eaters. Please, he'd rather spend eternity with Moaning Myrtle.

He simply replied with, “I'd rather not.”

Apparently Lily was having a hard time seeing just how truly pathetic he really was. There weren't girls. There had never been any girls. Not even one girl. The only female that had honestly ever looked twice at him was Lily herself, the fact that she thought he might actually be involved in her absence spoke volumes, but he also wasn't sure that she wasn't deluded.

“Well, how do I know? I only know what I see, and for the past few years Rachel Rosier and Hannah Mason – the Ravenclaw with the blonde hair – have looked at you.”

She noted that he was definitely uncomfortable with that line of questioning that was continuing on, and if it was embarrassing him, he was doing a poor job at hiding it. He cleared his throat and rolled his eyes at her, seriously doubting the things she was saying, she could tell in his eyes.

“Somehow, I don't believe you. However, nothing has come of these so-called infatuations, so the answer to your first question is still, no.”

He had never told her stuff like this anyway, even before. He had always been so private and closed off, it had taken her a long time to break him, to make him comfortable in her presence or being around a girl in general. He still wasn't accustomed to the gossipy nature and knowledge hungry cravings that happened between friends, but she could tell he was trying, even still. 

Lily noted that he had reverted a bit since their friendship ended. He was back to being solemn and quiet, waiting for someone else to speak first, mostly. But, there were loud parts of him that still shown through.

She put up her hands in mock surrender, “Alright, alright. But, you can't tell me that there were no girls, because that's simply not true.”

He just rolled his eyes and again said, “Please.” She let out a laugh at his very standard response and asked her, “And you?” Completely unsure of why he even let that leave his mouth.

It wasn't as though boys didn't speak to her, Lily was a bright and beautiful girl, of course she'd had her fair share of admirers over the years – less than one would expect, but enough. Which was why Severus had not been shocked to find Devon Ashby of Hufflepuff stopping by the Gryffindor table to chat, or asking to borrow her notes in Herbology. He hadn't been made aware of whether she was seeing anyone or not, if she had went to Hogsmeade with the charming Devon Ashby of Hufflepuff or Grant Guston of Ravenclaw. The only thing Severus was certain of, was that James hadn't really made an appearance at all last year. Not once did he see Potter attempt to interact with Lily the way the pervious years held, and for once, his year hadn't been plagued by the onslaught of Marauder double vision.

Severus knew the reason James had laid off him was simply because he and Lily no longer shared an attachment, now he was out of the way. The reason the rest of them left him be was because they were rudderless without their leader, and if James wasn't guiding them in shenanigans that usually involved him either being hurt or mocked, they were simply ignoring him - which, he could most definitely live with.

Despite what his dramatics over conversations about them would imply, he didn't think the Marauders were actually bad guys – fucking annoying assholes, yes, but sincerely bad guys? No. 

They were schoolyard bullies that wasted their time showing off how juvenile and generic they were by being total and utter pricks. They literally pissed him off more than anyone else he'd ever had the displeasure to encounter, but they were nothing more. He didn't hate them. He just held a very, very strong disdain for them that was akin to hate. But Severus knew real hate, and he knew real pain. Some ill fated pranks, an almost run-in with a werewolf, and harsh words were nothing compared to what he had endured before. Yes, he liked to bitch and yell about them, about just how much they pissed him off, but they were nothing but an annoying itch he couldn't quite scratch hard enough. He would be rid of them at the end of this year anyhow.

Lily blinked at his rebound question. Clearly she hadn't been expecting him to retaliate, which he couldn't blame her, he had never really been one to delve deep into her personal life. Even as friends. It had taken him a long time to realize that he hadn't actually been that good of a best friend. He had always been stuck too deep inside himself to actually be a friend. He was a fantastic listener, and occasionally gave some steep advice that she usually took to heart. But, he had never really questioned her – apart from his heated accusations about her relationship to Mary McDonald and the Marauders – never really asked about her life, about how she was or what was going on behind those piercing stares. Most of the time he'd felt as though he didn't have to, she told him everything anyway. It had taken him a while to realize that it didn't matter, asking was communicating, and it was something every friendship needed.

He wondered vaguely if she had ever noticed just how one sided her friendship with him had been, and if that had been a deciding factor of disentangling herself from him.

Her face was passive as it looked out over the water, she was biting the inside of her lip in thought and concentration. He wondered if she had even heard his question, but he knew she had. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he wasn't about to particularly enjoy the words that were about to tumble from her lips, and steeled himself for it.

She answered after what felt like hours. “I was... seeing someone, I guess.”

His brows furrowed, his mouth set in a frown. “You were?”

She shrugged, “I mean, I guess. I wouldn't exactly call it seeing someone, and it most certainly wasn't dating.”

“So then, what was it?” He wasn't entirely sure why it was so important, or why he'd chosen now to actually participate in the ritual of gossip, but he couldn't stop himself.

Lily looked at a loss, stuck between not wanting to tell him, knowing it had the possibility to push him further away, but also not wanting to lie to him about it. She found herself in an odd place that she'd never been before. Usually she would've just told him what was on her mind and wait for his words advice, but, this was different. They weren't close anymore, and this could devastate him.

“I... I don't really know, honestly.” She was having a hard time putting it into words, because, what had they been exactly? He seemed to sense this and cut off this eloquent banter back and forth, cutting straight to the point, being blunt in a way she hadn't expected.

“Was it James?”

He hadn't wanted to ask her, mostly because he already knew the answer was yes. Her hesitance to answer his questions had been answer enough. But, he did ask her, even though it was a tough pill to swallow. He wanted to be her friend again, and he didn't want to fall back into the same one sided situation as they had previously, which is why he was carrying on. If she had been with James Potter last year, so be it. He had been given an opportunity that he hadn't ever thought he'd get, and regardless of his mixed emotions for her, he wasn't about to let Lily walk away a second time. If he had to endure her go on about James Potter or her relations with any of the other boys that fancied her, than so be it. He would be a good friend to her this time around, he would be the guy she deserved to have sit by her side. Not some shy, beaten boy who spent too much time in his own head. He wanted to be the Severus that she saw, the kind, wonderful, reserved best friend she raved to her Mother about. Which was why he had asked the question without any malice or judgement in his voice.

Lily shot her head towards him at that, her eyes a little wide and narrowed at the same time, and if the air hadn't been so tense around them he might've thought it funny. She could feel her stomach drop, her heart was beating too fast and she felt nauseas. She gave him a simple, “Yes.” seemingly incapable of anything more.

He nodded, bringing his gaze away from hers, “Did you sleep with him?” It was hard for him to ask, and he almost didn't want to. He wasn't sure if he'd like the answer either way, honestly.

“Yeah.” She choked out, it tasted almost bitter on her tongue. “It kind of is what it is with him. I think he knows that we're not good for each other, that we don't fit. But, we were kind of just playing pretend; James is really good at that.”

Severus felt his stomach somersault and his heart drop, but shockingly, it didn't alter his reality or rock his world as he had been expecting. That bothered him more than the thought of her mouth on Potter's.

He cleared his throat, “Were?” He had noticed the past tense in the way she used to describe her... affair with James.

“Yeah. Were. It was never really a 'thing', James and I.” She found the courage to look at him, although she couldn't keep his gaze for long periods of time as she spoke. “It was honestly more of a matter of convenience and lapse of judgement than anything else.” She started tearing at the grass around her, fidgeting in her nervousness. “We're just... different.”

“How, ah, how did this even come about?”

She lifted her eyes up to meet his from where her head was bowed, facing the ground. He was being awfully curious for someone who hated James. She had expected an angry rant, some choice words, and a storm out; she was seriously under prepared for this calm, rational conversation about her misgivings with someone he truly disliked. Why was he so interested now?

“Um, well, at the beginning of the year I expected a lot of Marauder recoil after what happened, I thought James would use it as his 'in' with me. But, as I started distancing myself from everyone, somehow James had begun to sneak in.” She looked at him with disbelief in her eyes. “He was being so unlike his usual self, the one we all loathe and ignore, he would just sit down near me and almost ignore me. Eventually we would just start talking, about books, school, family. He was charming, almost. It was easy to be around him.”

“So, what changed?” That, he was honestly interested in. If Potter was as changed and charming as she was implying, why were they a past tense and never a full fledged couple? He was sure that no one knew about the two of them, he would've sworn on it and been wrong, so why had they not started dating and told everyone about how perfect they were as the golden Gryffindor couple?

She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. “We're different. And we having almost nothing in common. He doesn't get what it's like not being raised in the magical world, he doesn't understand pictures that don't move, or music that's made by muggles, and he doesn't get movies. Movies. That's like a sin.” Severus bit back a chuckle, because in Lily's world, it most definitely was. “Plus, no matter how easy it was to talk with him or be with him, no matter how much he had changed to really grasp my attention, he's still an arrogant prick. He's still rude and says things to people that he knows he shouldn't. He doesn't have any compassion or grace, he's just... there. It was an easy way to distract myself from what I was feeling, he was really good at being just that - a distraction.”

She was looking at him in the eyes by that point, using her hands to emphasize what she was trying to say. He felt better after her explanation of what were meant. It still bothered him on a basic level, but he knew that he would've felt this way even if it hadn't been Potter. “Did anyone else know?”

Lily shook her head, “No. Not even Alice, not Sirius or Remus, Emmeline or anyone. I made him swear not to say anything, I think he was keeping that promise in hopes that it'd turn into something more permanent. But, we both know that it was never going to happen, time only proved that.” She tightened the elastic of her ponytail and started to braid the end of her hair to do something with her hands. “I think he might feel the same way, even if he doesn't want to admit it. I think he liked me because I hated him, and now that he's had me, the thrill is gone. I think he's starting to move on, but doesn't want to seem like that's the only reason he was interested in me.”

“I see.”

Lily pushed herself into a split, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the ground and put her face in her hands, looking back out at the water in front of her, so close she could smell it. Severus sat with his knees pulled up, his forearms dangling across them, he too not looking at anything in particular. They sat again in silence, although this time, it was less intense and a bit more comfortable. They had discussed something major that this time two years ago would've broken them, that would've caused her to cry and him to storm off. Harsh words and guilt trips, judgment and anger would've ensued because of it. And now here they both were, seated beside one another, quietly taking in all that had been said.

She wasn't at all sure how they had gotten to this point, but she was certainly grateful.

It was a long time before either of them spoke again, the sun shifting just slightly, the heat peaked and now the temperature was dropping a small fraction. She could hear his even breathing, imagine the calmness in his face, his eyes unfocused and un-narrowed, his strong jaw unclenched and his face serene. She didn't even have to look to see it.

Lily liked when he was like that, calm, quiet, open. When he left himself open for her to see, without all that guarded mystic he shrouded himself in. She liked when he felt easy and comfortable around her, she had worked so hard to make it that way when she was younger. She found it odd that he could be like this after the total bomb she just dropped on him, but she wasn't about to question his change in demeanor from two years ago. Whatever had happened in this past year had changed both of them, for the better or for the worst, and maybe their very dramatic removal from each other had been the best thing for them.

She wasn't entirely sure what moved her to speak, to break the easy, compatible silence that had washed over them, but she couldn't stop her mouth from opening or the words from tumbling out.

“Sometimes I hate myself.” She turned to look at him from where she sat, still on her stomach facing the water. “Do you hate me?”

The very raw honesty to her voice made her cringe and made his heart beat faster.

His expression was blank as he responded, “Occasionally.”

She nodded and brought her gaze away from his, cutting off the conversation and bringing her eyes back up to look at the sky. “Good.”


	8. Chapter 8

After their odd sort of get together, and a few revealed confessions, Lily and Severus sat by the lake for a little while longer, basking in the easy silence that had blanketed them. They both parted ways sometime before dinner, with expressive, heavy eyes and small smiles, making tentative plans to meet up the next day. With solemn hearts and thick silence, they both walked home alone.

Lily couldn't really describe what she was feeling. It wasn't sadness, but it wasn't quite relief either. She was relieved that Severus now knew about her tryst with James, it wasn't a secret burden that she had to carry around anymore, it was now public knowledge between them, she didn't have to hide. But, why did it make her feel anxious then?

She really hadn't been expecting him to react the way he had, the cool detachedness. She had expected him to yell, to be right pissed, to storm off, to call her a wretched whore. Maybe she was expecting too much from him these days, maybe he had reverted back into his shell and all her hard work at making him more vocal and social had been for naught. She wouldn't blame him if that was the case.

Maybe he had just... changed. He was different now, different without her. Maybe that had something to do with it. 

She didn't like the thought of not knowing him, that he was different. But, she had changed too. She wasn't the same girl he'd know either, she was different now. Things had changed, but, she wondered just how much, She pushed it out of her head as she reached her home and made her way through the front door.

She had entered her house just in time for dinner, and made her way into the kitchen, even though all she wanted to do was go up in the shower and think about her long talks with Severus and how much had changed. But, she sat down at her place, ignoring Petunia's inquisitive glares from across the table, and ate what was on her plate. She listened to her Dad talk about his day, she listened to her Mum talk about her day, she listened to what her parents had to say about the new neighbors down the street, and she even listened to Petunia talk vaguely about her outings with her new beau, Vernon. She listened, and listened, and listened, until it was appropriate for her to get up from the table and go up to her room. She ignored Petunia following behind her, hoping that her sister would act normal and deign to speak to her.

That unfortunately didn't happen.

Lily pushed her way into her room and hopped onto her bed, lying on her back and closing her eyes. Petunia followed in quietly behind her, closing the door and coming to sit at her desk chair. She said nothing as she looked at Lily, and Lily could feel her sister's sharp eyes all over her. She finally released a sigh, with her eyes closed, and acknowledged Petunia. “Yes?”

“What's the matter with you?”

“What do you mean?” Lily didn't even have to open her eyes to see the way Petunia's were narrowed. 

“You're never this quiet. You always have an opinion about everything, it's one of your less attractive attributes.”

“Gee, thanks.” Lily rolled her now open eyes, and stared up at the ceiling.

“You know what I mean.” Petunia scoffed. “You sat through dinner with that horrid neutral expression and dazed eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were drunk.”

“Please, Petunia.” Lily sat up a bit and glared at her older sister. “Spare me.”

“Well, what's got you all bothered then?”

“Nothing.” She huffed and placed herself back down on her bed.

Petunia rose a brow, “Just, nothing?”

“Yup. Nothing.”

“You're home late from dance.” Petunia commented.

Sometimes she hated her sister's acute inquisitiveness. Actually, she hated it all the time. “I met up with Severus.”

Petunia only rose a singular brow, her hard eyes set on Lily. “Oh?” She was waiting for her to continue, to tell her more about the reason why she was late coming home and what that had to do with Severus. Lily felt only slightly odd about this situation, about playing sisters with Petunia, Lily could tell that she was on the same page as well. It was refreshing and just nice to have someone to talk to, to have her sister to talk to. But, they were both keenly aware of just how weird and uneasy this all was. So she relented.

“I spoke with him yesterday.” Petunia didn't flinch, but Lily could see in her eyes that she was a tad surprised at the confession. Whether it was because she was spending more and more time with a boy she claimed to have excommunicated, or simply the fact that it was Severus Snape, Lily wasn't sure. “We talked about a lot. I think we're trying to be friends again, which is why he waited for me outside the studio today. We went to McCullough's for lunch, which was a little weird, I'll admit, and then we went to the lake.” Lily worried her bottom lip through her teeth, Petunia silently waiting for her to continue, her sharp eyes stuck on her. “I told him about James.”

Petunia didn't like James. She didn't like him almost as much as she didn't like Severus. She never ceased to tell Lily all the things that she found displeasing about James, it had bothered Lily at first, but, then she started to see what her sister saw and stopped telling Petunia to shut up. He'd visited twice over holiday - as "friends" - and each time Petunia could barely hold her tongue. After a while, Lily stopped telling her to.

“And, what did he have to say about that?” She spoke slowly, almost as though she were afraid Lily would bark at her. It made her chest tighten a bit that Petunia thought she was that much of a bitch, but she let it go.

“Nothing.” She stated, standing from the bed, pacing. “He said nothing. He reacted completely rational and dignified about the situation, nothing like I'd imagined he would.”

“Well, that is... odd.” Petunia replied hesitantly, but agreed. 

“Does that mean he doesn't... like me anymore?” Lily wasn't sure why that was important. She moved away from the bed to play with the trinkets on her dresser, still facing her sister, but letting her idle hands stay busy.

Petunia sat straight in her chair, raised a single brow again, sharp eyes piercing her own, again. “Do you want him to?”

“Do I want him to what?” Lily asked, turned away from Petunia.

“To like you.”

“Why would I want that? We're only just becoming friends again.”

Petunia ignored her slightly defensive tone and continued. “You asked the question, Lily.”

“Yeah,” Lily said, sitting back down on her bed. “If that meant he didn't like me any longer, not what it would mean if he didn't.”

“What would it mean, if he didn't like you anymore?”

Lily took a moment to let the thought settle in her mind, before quickly answering with a shrugged shoulder. “Nothing, I suppose.” She looked down at the hair clip in her hands, not even realizing that she'd had it. “I guess it wouldn't really change anything.”

“Well, there's your answer.” Petunia stood and smoothed out her skirt.

Lily's brows furrowed as she looked down at her fingers tracing the black clip. “I'm not entirely sure what you mean.”

Petunia ignored her and carried on, “It's good you two are on the mend. I'd much rather Severus lurking about than that James Potter.” She scoffed. “They're both equally as horrid, but at least Severus I know well enough to see what's coming, there's just something about Potter I can't quite read – ”

“I had sex with James.” 

Lily wasn't sure why she cut her sister off, or why she had decided to blurt out something she'd only told one other person, but she had, and now there was no going back from it. Petunia's face was the same blank canvas it always was – reminding her very much of Severus in the moment – but, her browed furrowed and her mouth set into a deep frown.

“You, what?” Petunia asked accusingly, Lily just kept her sister's gaze, looking solemn and calm, she was sure. “Does Mum know?”

“No.” She shook her head, “No one knows. Except for Severus, and now you.”

Petunia stood for a few moments, just staring at Lily, really looking at her, before sighing and coming to sit beside her on the bed. “Why?” She asked, “Why would you do that?”

Lily met Petunia's gaze and shrugged, “Because I wanted to. Because I had thought maybe he was the boy I wanted, that things would be different. But, they weren't.” She played with the hair clip in her hands, not looking at Petunia anymore. “I don't regret it, but... I kind of wish it hadn't happened either.”

Petunia sighed and shook her head, her nose stuck up in the air. “That's why I'm waiting till marriage. I want to make sure he's my soul mate before I just... give myself away like that.”

Lily brought her head up and gave Petunia a stare. She hadn't expected this new found tentative friendliness to cause her sister to cease all of her stuck up, bitchy behavior – which is why Lily didn't feel particularly hurt by her exclamation as she normally would have. “Really, Tune?”

Petunia ducked her head a bit, and brought her eyes away from Lily's. “Sorry.”

Lily sighed and laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Petunia stayed seated beside her, but brought her gaze to look at her younger sister. When had she become this... woman? When she thought about Lily in her mind, she unconsciously thought about the little stubborn girl that always got her into trouble when they were young. It was a tad disconcerting to see this beautiful young woman lay before her in place of her little sister. Petunia was often jealous of Lily, yes, which was why she harped on all of her sister's flaws, but in this moment, staring down at her, she couldn't imagine stepping into her shoes. It was quiet for a few moments as they let things settle in the air. The silence had begun to deafen her when Lily spoke up.

“Do you really think there are soul mates in the world?” She looked over at Petunia and held her gaze. “That there's one specific person meant for just you.”

Petunia rose a brow at her, “You're a witch. You go to a magical freak school hidden in the Scottish countryside and you have a problem believing in soul mates?”

Lily rolled her eyes and let a small smile slip onto her lips. “I just mean, how can their be just one singular person just meant for you? And, what if they live on the other side of the world and you never find them? Or, how do you know if you've managed to find them at all?”

“Whose to say that there's only one person for someone?” Petunia questioned pointedly. “Maybe we have multiple soul mates, hidden around the world. And, if you're lucky enough, maybe you can find one of them.”

She hadn't pegged Petunia to be so insightful – but, that may have been because they hadn't really spoken since they were twelve.

“Do you think Vernon is your soul mate?”

Petunia's eyes glazed over for a moment, her expression thoughtful. “I think so. Maybe.” She brought her gaze back to Lily's, “I mean, we've only gone out on two dates. So, it's hard to say. But... I like him.”

Lily smiled at her older sister, happy to see her happy. “Well, I'm glad for you, Tuney. You deserve to find him, whoever he is.”

Petunia smiled at the compliment, but Lily watched it drop slightly at the end of her sentence, her eyes suddenly becoming very serious. “So do you, Lily. You do deserve to be happy. Whether that be with James Potter, or Severus Snape, or even Danny Linken from Primary.” That caused a smile out of both of them. “You'll find who you're meant for. Just don't muck it up as you usually do.”

Lily reached up and pushed at Petunia's shoulder, causing both of them to let out a small laugh and smile at one another. Her heart hurt at Petunia's sweet words, and at her unconscious proclamation that Lily could end up with a Wizard or a Muggle and it wouldn't matter. Because, it shouldn't matter, even though it did.

They sat like that for a while longer, talking on lighter things from their childhood – like Danny Linken and his troth of boys that followed behind him in Primary school. He'd had a crush on Lily when they were very young, and she had liked him well enough. But, by that time she had known she was different, and she hadn't thought Danny Linken and his gaggle of upstarts would understand. They spoke about their horrific holiday disasters while visiting relatives, and how the summer was fairing so far. They strayed away from serious topics and Lily was grateful for it. It was only when the phone rang downstair did Petunia sit up to look at the clock on Lily's bedside table and jump up to go downstairs to grab Moira's call before it ended.

When Lily was left alone, she let the darkening room and silence envelope her. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, clearing her mind. But, every time she tried, Severus kept popping up in her mind.

She thought on his intense stare, his dark eyes usually narrowed, but when they weren't, she thought they were quite lovely. They were expressive when he let them be, lightening and darkening with his changing moods.

He could be handsome, she thought. With his longish hair and soft lips. Not handsome like the standard definition of Hollywood glam, but then again, she'd never really went for those types. She looked at the posters on her walls, David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Morgan Fisher, Mick Jones – they were all popstars that were generally attractive in their unattractiveness. Apparently she had a thing for oddly handsome men, and James had been the most mainstream of her crushes. 

It wasn't odd that she found Severus attractive as a person, it was odd that she found him attractive as her friend. 

She usually didn't think on the fact that he had once – if he didn't now – liked her in a way that was more than friends. He must've found her attractive, right? 

With that thought, she wondered what about her he found attractive. Was it as simple as her body? Did he find her body alluring and that was why he had liked her? She stood from her bed and went over the the mirror on her closet door to look at herself.

She was tall for a girl, she supposed. Her legs took up most of her body proportion, she'd always hated them. She had never fit into her body when she was younger, she was always too long, too awkward. She'd hated how long her legs were, mostly because Petunia had often called her a giraffe in their youth. She'd felt like a giraffe then, she didn't anymore though, now they looked right she supposed. 

She moved on from her legs up to her torso. She wasn't straight like Petunia, but she wasn't as curvy as Alice and Marlene either. Both of her blonde friends were perfect in her option, they both had amazing breasts, heavy and full, and very defined hips and asses. 

Lily assessed her own curves. Her breasts weren't small like Mary's or Petunia's, but they weren't as voluptuous as Alice and Marlene's either. They were a bit large on her frame, and they were pronounced under her top, but she didn't think they were anything to get excited about. Not when there were girls like Marlene and Alice, and Madeline Bullstrode who had extraordinary breasts that girls coveted and boys wanted to see.

Her hips were hips, they curved a bit from her waist, and her ass was an ass. It wasn't big like Emmeline's and no one was drooling over hers, but it was there. All in all, Lily was convinced that her body was average. She knew she was pretty by everyone else's standards, but it wasn't like she was some ethereal beauty Shakespeare wrote about. She was just a fit ginger mess most of the time, and once in a while, she caught the eye of someone.

She leaned in closer to inspect her face. She was pale – she'd given up hope of ever being bronzed and golden like Marlene, who made it look so easy and effortless to be that beautiful – with a small smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were the same shape and color they'd always been, green. Just, green. She did like her eyelashes, they were long and fanned out over her eyes. Besides that, she was fairly boring and plain. Pretty, but plain.

She wasn't exotic looking like Emmeline, she wasn't a bronzed blonde goddess like Marlene, she wasn't dark and mysterious like Mary, and she certainly wasn't voluptuous sunshine like Alice. She was just Lily, but apparently Severus had liked that.

Maybe it was her brain he had been attracted to? She was quite smart, and they had always challenged each other. Maybe that had been what turned him on to her.

Was it her sense of humor? Or the fact that she usually dressed like a muggle boy when she could get away with it?

What was it that had attracted him to her. She couldn't figure out what it could've been.

She wasn't sure why she wanted to know so badly now, but it was driving her crazy. She had half a mind to just go ask him herself if she thought he'd actually give her an answer. He wouldn't, because it would be embarrassing to him and he'd pretend to not know what she was talking about. She sighed and sat herself down at her desk.

The thought floated across her mind quickly and she was thinking about it before she could stop herself; did he still like her?

It was a dangerous thought, one she wasn't even comfortable thinking about. But, it had burrowed its way down into her brain and now she was thinking about it. Did he still like her? Or, more importantly, did she want him to?

She wasn't sure why that was the question that popped into her mind. Why would she want him to? He was her friend, her very tentative friend who she was figuring things out with.

She picked up her pen and pulled out a piece of paper from her notebook. But, once the pen was in her hands, she wasn't sure what to write anymore. She actually wasn't sure why she was writing to him at all, but, she just decided that she wanted to, since he was on her mind.

She just decided to write something simple, to even see if he was around. He said he was going home for dinner, but that could mean anything in his house. She wasn't sure if he was busy or not, if he was taking care of his mother or if his father was home. She wrote to him anyway, because, why not?

 

Severus,

I'm sitting in my bedroom and for some reason I thought to write you. Weird, I know. But, here I am. I've been having long, introspective talks with Petunia since our fight. Not sure what that's about or when we started to understand each other, but I'm not going to jinx it. It's kind of enjoyable having a sister, I'd forgotten. So... yeah. Write me back, I guess.

Bored and waiting,

Lily

 

She quickly tied the note to her owl's leg, sending it off to Severus before she could change her mind. She hoped he didn't think it was bizarre, even though it was. She stood from her chair and turned her telly on to distract her. She sat on her bed, watching some bullshit soap-opera program when there was a peck at her window. She got up to let her owl back in and took the note from it's leg.

She pushed down that stupid smile that was building in her stomach. It was just Severus, nothing to get excited about. Jesus. She unraveled the note and read through it quickly.

 

Lily,

Hello. We haven't done this since Third year, what a throwback. I'm also in my bedroom, doing Arithmancy homework and being generally boring as usual. Interesting about Petunia, I honestly wouldn't have thought that possible, seeing as how you two usually are. But, that's really very nice that you two can talk. I suppose something good came from that fight then?

Reading and writing,

Severus

 

Maybe something good had come from that fight after all, and not just with Petunia.

They continued their very basic letters well into the night, talking about nothing and everything. Things from when they were children, their summer assignments, new movies in the cinema, old music they coveted, simple things of that nature. Lily listened to music as she wrote him back, a smile on her face as she read over their letters. 

At around one her mother knocked on her door, tired eyed but a smile on her still beautiful face. “Honey, it's late.”

Lily stood from her desk and went to her record player, “Sorry, I'll turn the music down.”

Dahlia smiled at her younger daughter who was beginning to look so old lately. “Goodnight, love.”

“Night, Mum.”

With that her mother closed her door once again and Lily was alone. She turned the music down so it was only softly playing and returned to her desk. She had left the window open enough for Bowie – her tawny brown owl with a white patch over his left eye – to get through. He was seated on her desk, awaiting his treat for delivering and gathering yet another letter. She smirked down at him, she loved that sassy ass bird.

She gave Bowie a treat and took the letter from him. 

 

Lily,

It's getting rather late, I'd rather not keep you from your sleep, so feel free to stop replying anytime you feel like you'll fall over. To answer your question, no, I haven't had a chance listen to the new Queen, though I'm sure it's just as up your alley as it usually is so I fear not. What did you get on question sixty for Arithmancy? I guess I can just have you bring it to look over the equation next time I see you, it's giving me trouble.

Unchangingly and most fondly yours,

Severus

 

She quickly wrote something back, having an idea.

 

Severus, 

Fear not, I shall make you a tape of it. It's glorious, you'll love it.

Can I call you? Or you call mine? You can hear it for yourself now, I'm playing it as we speak.

(I love that, so I'm stealing it from you like second year Herbology notes)

Unchangingly and most fondly yours,

Lily

 

She quickly tied it to Bowie's leg and sent him off before she could change her mind. For some reason his words started not to be enough and she wanted to hear the sound of his voice. They often use to call one another as children, but they had never done it as they grew. Being self-conscious teens and all. But, now, she just wanted to talk to him, hear his quiet laugh when she said something funny, listen to his deep voice as he spoke about equations and music, to hear his snarky sarcasm first hand and almost hear the narrowing of his gaze or the rolling of his eyes.

His reply came back quicker than she had expected, and she felt her heat beating a bit faster than it was before.

 

If that's what you want, I'm awake. I'll call yours when you send a letter back.

Glad you liked it,

Severus

 

She ran out into the hallway to grab the phone that sat in the nook beside the laundry room, she unplugged it from the wall and brought it quietly back into her room and shut the door. She plugged it into the outlet and sent him back a go, and then she waited. She had her hand poised over the receiver, waiting for the shrill ring so she could grab it before it was too loud. It didn't take long, it started to ring and she picked it up before it even got that far.

“Hello?”

“Hey.” She smirked at his deep voice over the receiver, she wasn't sure why. “I just sent back Bowie, the shit nipped me for not having a treat ready.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, he's spoiled.” She smirked. There was a short silence between them and before she could let it get awkward, she quickly brought the phone off her bed and over to the record player. “So, ready to hear some genius?”

“Always.”

It was the way he said that word that struck her. Like he truly meant it. A part of her didn't doubt that he did.

“Alright, here we go.” She turned the music up just a bit, and sat with her hear to the top of the receiver and the bottom angled towards the music. “Can you hear it.”

“I can.” He replied. She just let him listen after that.

The song ended and she pulled herself away from the player, “That one's my favorite, but I'll give them all to you so you can hear it for yourself.”

“How kind.”

“It's forty-seven by the way.” She started. “The Arithmancy question, it's forty-seven.”

“Fuck.” He grumbled, she could just see him looking through the book at the equation and trying to figure out how it became forty-seven. It made her smile.

“So, this is what you've been doing the whole night – Arithmancy homework?”

“I never claimed to be exciting,” He defended. “For some reason you like to think I am.”

She rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see it, which in turn defeated it's purpose. “You were more exciting when we were children, at least.”

“I think you have a misunderstanding of what exciting actually is. Nothing we ever did as children was exciting – save going to Hogwarts.”

She stood from where she had been seated on the floor by her record player, grabbing the base of the phone and bringing it with her over to the bed. “Please,” She started as she settled down in her bed. “We had some pretty thrilling times when we were first discovering our magic. That was exciting, and you were such an excited little boy. Then you became all grumpy and sarcastic.”

He scoffed and she could just picture him settling down in his own bed that she'd never seen, back against the headboard, legs up. “I was always grumpy and sarcastic. I just liked you more back then.” He teased.

“Oh,” She scoffed, “You don't like me now?”

“Nope. I actually hate you.” He said it straight-faced, but it was light, almost like he was saying something else within the words. Like they held a different meaning than what he was actually saying.

She couldn't help but smirk, playing along, she said it too, in the same manner he had. “I hate you too.”

She could hear the smile in his voice as he replied the same words she'd said to him not too long ago. “Good.”

The air hung between them for a silent moment, the static air from the phone crackled between them – or, was that something else?

She spoke finally, wanting to say something else, but not knowing what that was exactly. “Want to do homework tomorrow?”

Usually the invitation to do homework over summer break was a nightmare for most people, but it had never been that way for them. They had always loved to learn, strived to be better than each other and everyone else, pushed and help each other. She wasn't sure if she was purposing the idea because she was subconsciously trying to bring them closer, or because she just had an excuse to see him again.

“Yeah.” His deep voice replied and for some reason she felt her heart leap into her throat and goosebumps erupt over her skin. Well, that was weird. “That'll be good, then I can peruse your equations.”

“Great.”

“Great.” He mimicked.

She tried to push down the smile on her face and wished he was here with her so she could punch him in the arm for mocking her. She felt fourteen again, which was refreshing. For so long now she just felt – old. Tired and angry, empty and anxious. But, it was nice to feel light again, to tease and be teased, to just... be happy.

That struck her. She was happy. In this moment with Severus, she was happy. A little nothing moment that held no relevance to anyone, but she was happy in it.

The truth bared down on her harder than had in a long time.

Had she truly deprived herself of happiness because she had been shadowed by pain?

What struck her more wasn't the fact that she was happy, but that she was happy with him. She wondered vaguely if he felt the same.

“I'll see you tomorrow then.” She almost whispered, her brows furrowed as she thought on what she'd just discovered.

“Alright.” He said in that same deep voice, she could hear he was getting tired – it was strange that she could still recognize those things in him after so long.

“Owl me tomorrow when you're free. I'll probably sleep in since its,” She looked over at her night stand, “Half past three.”

“Alright.” He said again. How was it possible for him to say the same word, but have it mean such different things? How could he say it back to back with such emotion behind both? He made her head hurt, or maybe she was just overtired. 

“Goodnight, Severus.”

“Goodnight, Lily.” 

She hung up the phone and tried not to let the way he said her name affect her as she turned out her light and went to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

He let the silence settle over him as he laid back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling and letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. It was late, quite late, and while he was tired – emotionally exhausted as well as physically – he knew sleep wouldn't come easily to him right now.

His mind was spinning, swirling with information and his chest swelled with emotion. She had chosen James.

He tried to push the thought away, along with the tightening in his chest and stomach. She had chosen the one person he may have not been able to forgive her for. But, this wasn't Fifth year any longer. They hadn't been friends when she slinked off with the Crown Prince of Gryffindor, a part of him didn't really even have the right to be mad at her.

He'd chosen to let her go. He fucked up, he apologized, and when she turned him away, he did as she wished and left her be. He didn't fight for her, not like he should've. He just reverted back into himself and slunk away to lick his wounds. He had practically pushed her into Potter's arms – and James had never stopped fighting for her. No, he'd been fighting for her since First year Herbology where he boldly proclaimed that he'd marry her one day.

And Severus had just let it happen. 

So, as angry as he was – as hurt as he was – he couldn't really find a true reason to be. He'd let this happen by not fighting hard enough for her. For their friendship. For any romantic feelings that he'd felt for her over the course of his eight year friendship with her. At the first sign of struggle and actual complicated drama, he let her go.

He wasn't a good friend. He knew that. He was loyal and he cared, but that was about as good as it got when it came to him being a friend. He wasn't a good one. He hadn't been a good friend to Lily – as much as he was loath to admit it. All of the selfish things she did, he did as well. She didn't like who he hung around with, he hated her friends. She didn't like his piquing interest in the Dark Arts, he didn't like all her moral goodness. It wasn't a one-way street between them where Lily had shut him out and she was wrong. He was just as wrong, just as judgmental, just as mean. He felt shitty for not seeing it sooner.

No wonder she ran straight into the arms of James Potter. Because, for all his bluster and bullying tendencies, he was exactly the kind of guy girls like Lily ended up with. He was dashing and smart, and believed that good could over come the evil in this world if you tried hard enough. James Potter may have been a judgmental, belittling prick with too much House pride, but he was someone who would do great things to wash his hands clean of the bad.

He hated him, in this moment he truly did, but Severus knew that if it wasn't James it would've been someone else – someone it may have been harder to hate. She had done him a favor by it being James, giving him an even more valid excuse to let that hatred grow.

He wasn't happy about it. But, he wasn't going to let it consume him. He couldn't. As he thought earlier, he wasn't going to loose her again, he wasn't going to make the mistake of pushing Lily out of his life a second time because she decided that sleeping with James Potter was on her to-do list.

He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to release some of the anger he felt about it. He wouldn't let it show, he wouldn't let her know how much it had bothered him. Because he didn't want her to feel guilty about a decision she made last year – he'd made plenty of those since Fifth year and he wasn't about to start letting anyone make him feel bad about it now. He wasn't going to loose her again. That's what he kept saying over and over to himself.

He rolled over onto his side and looked at his desk, he knew the letters she had sent him were still sitting there, unrolled and open. It had been odd to get one from her, they hadn't done that in quite some time, and though it was about trivial nonsense and he kept up his calm facade throughout, he couldn't help but feel as though there was something different between them now.

Maybe it had been the tone in her voice when they spoke on the phone, the hushed quality and low music in the background giving it a sensual whisper, intimate was the word he'd use. Or, maybe that was just him loosing his mind. This summer was turning out to be a psyche-breaking affair, he wondered how long it would take her to send him to St. Mungo's. Not long, he imagined.

He felt a myriad of emotions, but overall he felt confused. Confused about this situation, life, the two of them.

What were they?

They had sort of established that they would try and repair their broken friendship, but what if too much had changed for them to be able to go back? Where would that leave them?

His mind drifted to another possibility, one that he usually didn't let himself think about because it was ridiculous and never happening. Maybe if they had grown too much in their friendship, it was time to try something else. Something more.

He rolled back onto his back with a heavy sigh, pushing the thought quickly from his mind as fast as it had come. No, that would never happen. Not because she had chosen James, not because they hadn't spoken in a over a year, but because they had never been that way, so why would now be any different?

As close as they had been, as comfortable as they had been with each other, there had always been this small divide between them. She didn't touch him like she touched her other male friends, now that may have been because he wasn't the touchy-feel-y kind of human, but they just weren't that way. He had begun to realize that his not wanting to touch her came from actually wanting to touch her but not wanting her to know about it.

He had never wanted her to have even the slightest inkling that he had feelings for her, that he had fallen in love with her at that young age and he had never been able to rid himself from it since. He knew that she would never see him as more than her close friend, that he wasn't relationship material, that he wasn't handsome or dashing or any of the things that men like Potter and Black were. He had been afraid that she would find out and be wigged out by it, that it would cause a strain in their relationship that he couldn't afford – because there had once been a time where he couldn't imagine his life without her.

But, he knew what it was like now. He knew what it was like to not have her as a friend, to be alone. It hadn't broken him as though he thought it would, and now the idea that the two of them could be more than what they were wouldn't leave his brain. It had wormed it's way in and showed no signs of leaving.

Lily; the girlfriend; the lover. 

Instead of – Lily; the friend. 

It was an odd notion, he'd admit. But not one he'd never thought of before. Not that long ago he would dream of Lily, dream of that small secret smile that was reserved for him, dream of that look in her eyes. He had thought about what kissing her would be like, holding her in his arms as they caressed one another. He thought about slowly sliding into her and finding purchase in her warmth, the noises she'd make, the way she'd look at him.

His heart thudded heavily in his chest at the thought. It wasn't so hard picturing Lily as something other than his makeshift-kin, it wasn't hard at all. What was hard was coming down from the pleasure high that it brought him, coming back to reality where the beautiful, annoying, boisterous and abrasive creature only looked at him with anger and friendship. The anger wasn't so much anymore, clearly this past year had been meaningful for the both of them, but the hurt was still there, heavy between them.

Lily; the lover. 

It was a thought he couldn't quite quit. Because as much as he'd like to untangle himself from her, he knew that he couldn't. He loved her, down in the depths of his cracked soul, he did. He could play pretend with the best, but he knew it to be true. If there was even the slightest possibility to consume her as she'd done to him, he'd take it. He wouldn't pass up the opportunity to make her feel an ounce of what he felt for her. 

She had no idea the depths of his emotion. And, that truly was his fault. He kept himself locked away, quiet, stoic, detached. He was indifferent, or that's how he came off. But he felt so intensely, so freely within himself. If only she knew.

He wondered if they'd be better this time around, if they actually could change things. A small part of him hoped so, hoped that they could be better. They addressed their problems, the things that were wrong in their relationship. No wonder her friends hated him, he made her different from the rest of her perfectly Gyffindor friends. He made her feel.

Making Lily feel. He wouldn't even let the thought fester properly – the thought of winding her up and helping her fall was certainly too much for his tired mind to handle at the moment.

He looked over at the clock on his wall. It'd been just over an hour since he hung up with Lily and sleep would not find him. He couldn't relax, couldn't get his mind to turn off. There were so many things he wanted to say, to talk about, to bury and never think about again. 

A part of him wanted to go over to Lily's right now and speak with her, to see her wrapped up in her thick blanket, hair piled up sloppily on top of her head, bright eyes heavy with sleep, that secret smile on her lips.

He stood from his bed and quietly crept downstairs, Tobias gone for a few days left the house feeling lighter, but that didn't stop him from moving about quietly as he'd grown accustom to. He knelt in front of the fireplace, throwing in some Floo powder and calling out, “Malfoy Manor, Lucius's room.” The fire turned green quickly and he stuck his head through, looking into the lavishly kept room of one of his closest friends. He was asleep – as he should be, seeing as it was four-thirty in the morning – but that didn't stop Severus from stage-whisper shouting at him.

“Lucius.” No answer. “Lucius.” A slight twitch of the shoulder. “Lucius!” He sprang up and looked around frantically, until his clear blue eyes found the fireplace and Severus's head.

“What the actual fuck.”

“I needed to speak with you, but I thought just hopping in and sitting on your bed would be creepy.” Severus replied sarcastically.

“Yes it fucking would be.” Lucius sighed, wiping a hand over his tired face, his voice deep and drowsy from sleep. “Just come the fuck in, I'm awake now anyway.”

Severus pulled his head out and stepped into the fireplace, taking a pinch of power and reciting what he had prior. He stepped out of the grate, hating the woozy feeling traveling by Floo tended to give, and went over to Lucius's bed.

He was naked from the waist up, and Severus was actually unsure of what was happening below the heavy down blanket atop him. He just raised an eyebrow at Lucius's attire and was rewarded with a seething glare from his friend. “Are you... naked?”

“Well, I certainly wasn't planning on you stopping by tonight.”

“And, who were you planning on stopping by tonight?” Severus shot back, a hint of a smirk on his tired face.

Lucius, cool as a cucumber always, just rolled his eyes. “No one. I like to sleep in the buff. It's freeing.”

“Right.” Was Severus's only reply.

“Well, I know you're not here to talk about my naked sleeping habits, so, why the fuck are you waking me up at,” He looked over at the clock settled on his wall. “Fucking hell, four-thirty in the goddamn morning?”

“I think I'm having something of an emotional breakdown.” He said, straight faced.

Lucius looked him over, his long dark hair disheveled and pushed to one side, out of his face. He looked tired, overtired actually, like he hadn't slept in days. But otherwise, he looked normal, the same – stoic, indifferent, blank. He didn't look like he was feeling much of anything actually, Lucius wasn't sure where this emotional breakdown was hiding, but it certainly wasn't glaringly apparent.

“Oh, you are, are you?”

“Yes.”

Lucius sighed, leaning back on his headboard, looking at him. He really should've called Regulus about this, he'd know what to do. He'd always been better at things of this nature, even though Lucius was the most vocal of the three of them. He placed his hands on his stomach, giving Severus his full attention.

“About what?”

Severus sighed himself, crossing his pajama clad legs and leaning back on one of the posts of Lucius's large four-poster bed. “Lily.”

“Oh, her again? I thought we were getting over this.”

Severus cut a dark look to his friend. “I'm afraid there's no getting over this. We've been talking, quite a bit actually, and now I'm just... overwhelmed.”

“You certainly look it.” Lucius snorted sarcastically.

“Why do I even bother?” Severus asked, more to himself than anyone else.

“Because you have no one else.” Lucius replied, lightheartedly. 

He sighed, but continued, just needing to get it out. He trusted Lucius, he trusted Regulus, almost as much as he had once trusted Lily. He wasn't sure if that trust was misplaced, but he had fair instincts and never had they told him not to trust the boy in front of him. “You won't use this against me later, will you?”

“Probably as blackmail.”

“Great.” Severus almost smirked, but found he couldn't. Not right now. With his eyes focused on his hands that laid in his lap, he spoke. “I'm in love with her.”

Lucius nodded, looking passive. “Got that, what else?”

Severus shook his head, “No, Lucius,” He looked up and met the icy clear blue eyes of his friend. “I love her. Like, in the way that I can't stop or suppress.” He shook his head once more, removing his gaze from Lucius's penetrating stare. “This is bad.”

“Why?” Lucius asked with intent. “Why is it bad?”

“Because she's Lily Evans, and I'm... ” He trailed off, unable to finish the thought he had.

“And you're Severus Snape.” Lucius finished for him. “I don't see the problem.”

Severus looked up at that and met his friend's gaze. That was the closest he'd ever get to Lucius accepting the Mudblood known as Evans. He didn't like her, but he'd never flat out said he'd hated her either. But, Severus knew that it was hard for Lucius to understand his attraction, his desire, his crush for a Muggleborn. It wasn't how he was brought up, it wasn't in his realm of understanding. For Lucius to say that was monumental, and Severus couldn't believe his ears. But, that didn't stop the truth from peaking in.

“The problem is... ” He struggled for a moment under the older boy's intense stare, what was the problem with the two of them together? For a moment, just one, he couldn't think of anything. Until everything came crashing back down around him. “First of all, she's a Gryffindor, a good guy.” He said sarcastically, but he meant it, she was good. “And I'm a Slytherin. That alone is something hard to breach. There's also the fact that her friends hate me and my... housemates hate her. Then the little fact that she's a Muggleborn. That I called her a Mudblood to her face, that she slept with Potter. There's just too many things stacked against us.”

“Wait, hold up, excuse me, what?” Lucius leaned forward, tuning Severus out after he'd heard that one sentence. “She fucked Potter?” He looked at Severus wide-eyed for conformation, when Severus's head nodded in defeat, Lucius sprang into action. “Oh, no. No, no.”

“It wasn't like that.”

“What wasn't it like, Severus?” Lucius asked angrily, leaning forward to knock some sense into his daft friend. “She had sex with Potter. As in, James Potter. The fucking poof that made you lose your friendship with her to begin with. That James Potter?”

He sighed, there was no way to calm down angry Lucius, so he just relented, wiping a hand over his tired face. “Yes.”

“And what did she have to say for herself? She just casually brought this up in conversation?” He asked, disbelieving.

“No. We were speaking about life, and what last year was like for both of us and she asked if I was seeing anyone, and I asked her the same question. She came out with it and told me. Apparently no one knows about it.”

“Well, yeah!” Lucius busted in. “Even I would've heard about it and I don't even go to there anymore!”

Severus continued on, “She basically said it was a mistake. She doesn't even like Potter, she just... did it.”

Lucius snorted, “Yeah, probably to get over you.”

Severus's head shot up, his eyes narrowed. “What?”

Lucius looked back at him, shrugging a shoulder. “What? Don't tell me you've never noticed it before.”

“What are you talking about?”

Lucius rolled his eyes, “Please, like you can't see it. Your whole relationship with Lily from start to finish has been a relationship without the rewards.” He looked to see Severus staring at him in rapt attention, the wheels turning inside that stupidly large mind of his. Lucius just decided to put the poor sot out of his misery and lay it out for him. “You two have been dating since you were nine, you just haven't done any of the fun stuff that comes along with it.”

Severus shook his head, “No, that's not at all what's happening – ”

Lucius cut him off, “Uh, yes, it is.” Lucius looked at him struggling against it and attempted to put it a different way. “Think about it this way, how close are you, I, and Reg?”

Severus shrugged a shoulder, “Close?”

Lucius nodded, “Exactly. We're pretty much the best-est friends in the whole wide world. Look at you here, telling me all your problems and deep, dark secrets, and me helping you through it. Yay, friendship!” He yelled sarcastically, Severus narrowing his eyes at him. “Now look at you and Lily. Close, just like us, perhaps closer depending on the year. But, look at the way you speak to one another, look at one another, act with one another. Go on, think about it. Do you act that way around Reg and I? Absolutely not. You fight over things people in actual relationships fight over, and you just look so cozy when you work together, if I remember correctly.”

“I don't know – ”

“I'm not done, Severus.” Lucius cut back, continuing on his train of thought, casually thinking that if taking over his father's business didn't work out, he'd be a great motivational speaker. “It's not just the way you interact with her either, Severus. She treats you the same way as well.”

He let Severus take a moment to think over what he'd just said. Had Lily treated him as though he were her boyfriend? He thought back on their life, the way they use to be inseparable, the hushed conversations and inside references. How she vented to him and cried on his shoulder when she needed, and he had done the same with her a time or so. Their problems were quite similar to those in a relationship he supposed, he guessed it wasn't that hard to believe what Lucius was saying.

“You're practically married.” Lucius started up again, drawing Severus's attention back out of his own head. “And this row you two have been dealing with since last year? Divorce. You've divorced each other and now you're muddling through the mess you've made. You know, I have seen a divorce or two – Zabini's mother really needs to get it together – and in some cases, the couple can work through their problems and stay married.”

He wasn't sure what Lucius was hinting at, but he didn't like it either way. “We're not married though. We're not even dating – no matter what you say and how are relationship presents itself.” He cut Lucius off before he could interrupt him. “It may look like a relationship, but we were just friends. We were always just friends. I was the one who liked her more.”

“And how do you know she doesn't get tingly for you? Hm?” Severus's furrowed brows and eye roll was enough for Lucius. “That's right, you don't. Because you've never bothered to ask her, you chicken shit.”

He was a chicken shit, and he knew it. Severus had never been quite as daring as people made him out to be. The thought of perusing Lily in that manner, only to have her feel the opposite way would ruin him. He wasn't sure he'd be able to come back from that, honestly. He'd rather torture himself with her friendship, with this odd supposed fake relationship, than have her turn him down. He'd just rather say nothing.

Clearly Lucius was having none of that.

“Tell me, how do you actually know that she doesn't have feelings for you that involve her getting frisky beneath the skirt?”

“Stop talking about her like that.” Severus replied angrily, fed up with Lucius's innuendos involving the redhead.

“Well?” Lucius pressed on. “How do you know?”

Severus let the question hang in the air for a moment before sighing, “I don't.”

“Exactly!” Lucius yelled with an ounce of excitement at being right that was really an unattractive quality if Severus had anything to say about it. “You don't know. And, from everything that I've witnessed between you two, from what I've heard, I think she may have feelings for you, mate.” With the skeptical look in the younger boy's dark eyes, he amended his statement. “Feelings that she may not have addressed yet – or, maybe she has. You have no idea, because you're too caught up in brooding all over the place all the time.”

“I don't brood.” Severus scoffed, but was sobered by Lucius's tone when he spoke next.

“Listen. We're friends, we're very close friends – how that actually happened, I have no idea and a part of me is a little mad about it – but, I don't want to see you like this. Just like we didn't want to see Reg struggling. You need to work this out with her, or I'll tell her myself.”

Severus sat up and shot a steely glare at him, the bomb officially dropped and the air became stagnant between them. “You wouldn't dare.”

Lucius just sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. “Try me.”

Severus looked about ready to hex him into next year, or throw up. “You can't just meddle in my life like this. We're just starting to become... friendly again, I can't just up and force this on us – ”

He wasn't listening to Severus, he just caught his gaze and sent a powerful look at the younger boy. “I'll give you to your birthday. Figure it out by then, or I'll tell her myself. And I mean it.”

Severus felt like he was either going to jump off the roof or punch Lucius in the throat. He hated what the older boy was doing, but a part of him, albeit a small part of him, knew why he was doing this. Lucius just wanted to see him happy, to see him with some good in his grey existence, to see him with something he deserved. And apparently, he thought that Severus deserved Lily.

He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the roots a bit, and let out a large exhale. Maybe he should've gone to Regulus about all this, he certainly would've have forced an ultimatum on him, but he knew that this was what he needed – a swift kick in the ass. 

“I really fucking loathe you.”

“Yeah, well, the feeling's mutual.” Lucius smirked at him.

Severus collapsed sideways on the end of the bed, staring up at the dark canopy above him, light beginning to filter in though the window Lucius hadn't bothered to cover. “My birthday.” He reiterated.

“Your birthday.” Lucius nodded.

“Fuck.”


	10. Chapter 10

Lily stirred her butterbeer slowly, staring out the window of the little bar she was seated in, waiting on Alice. The blonde had been running a bit late, seeing Frank off to training, and told Lily to go ahead and order – which, she had. 

She missed Alice, they usually spent a lot of time together and Lily was finding that being without her was particularly taxing this summer. She missed Alice's kind words and soft glances, mostly she missed her spot-on advice that wasn't sugarcoated in what people though she'd want to hear. And, as helpful and surprisingly soft, as Petunia had been lately, Lily just really needed her best friend right now.

So, when Lily had sent the owl to Alice that she needed a meet up, the blonde replied quickly. They had a lot to catch up on anyway. Apparently in her Severus-themed introversion, some things had gone down within her friend group. Which, was exactly the type of situation she had been trying to avoid last year. But, Alice needed her, so here she would be. Besides, she would be lying if she said that she wasn't intrigued by it all.

She gazed out the window, watching the busy street and the people that walked by – families, friends, couples. She wondered what it was like to be in a relationship, to have someone to talk about everything to, someone who was your best friend in all the world but was also the one you kissed goodnight. She wanted that closeness with someone, wanted those quiet smiles and meaningful glances. She wanted to be Alice and Frank, who were so perfectly suited for one another that it was nauseating. 

Her mother always told her that things happened in time, that everything happened for a reason and if she missed her train or got off the wrong exit, than she wasn't meant to be that somewhere. Her mother equated that to love lives as well. Lily believed her, which wasn't hard because her mother was known to be very convincing. She believed that things happened for a reason, and if she wasn't meant to be in love right now, than she just wasn't.

But that didn't mean she still didn't want to be in love.

The bell chimed and Lily looked up from her internal rambling and spaced out gaze to find Alice headed over to her booth, blonde bob bouncing as she walked, a small smile on her face. “Hey.” She said breathlessly, plopping down across from Lily. “Sorry, it took a little longer than I expected.”

“How is Frank?” Lily asked, curious to know how the older boy was fairing.

“He's good.” Alice gushed, “It's harder than he expected, but, that's a given. Otherwise, he's just the same.”

Lily smiled at her friend, “I'm glad.” She took a sip of her butterbeer and Alice waved the bartender over to order one of her own. “So, what's been happening? Last we spoke you were in a fight with Mary?”

Alice rolled her eyes as an annoyed look came over her face, “Don't even get me started.” She thanked the bartender and took a sip of her drink, the foam catching her lip, but Alice didn't seem to mind. “I'm done, Lily. I mean it. I'm done being her friend.”

Lily's brows furrowed, “Don't you think that's a little... extreme?”

Alice just scoffed, “If you can take a half-time from them for a whole year, I think I can manage as well. Mary is just so...” Her hands hung in the air, attempting to find the right words for their bossy friend. “You know? And Marlene just goes along with it! They're like each other's lackeys, it's embarrassing.”

“Wow, Al, I had no idea things were this bad.” Lily looked sympathetically at her closest friend, truly sorry that she had been basically ignoring her in her Severus-induced coma. “I'm sorry I've been M.I.A. lately.”

“It's alright, Lil. I get it. You've got some of your own friend-drama to work out.” The pointed look she gave Lily didn't go unnoticed by the redhead. “How is he anyway?”

Lily looked down into her half empty glass, the sugary foam from her drink starting to dissipate. How was Severus? It was an odd question for her to answer – did she even know the answer? She knew that Alice was asking in between the lines, wanting to know how she and Severus were. She shrugged a shoulder, “He's good. Different, and the same, but good. It's... a lot.”

The narrowed brown eyes boring into her made Lily sigh, she knew Alice wanted more, but, she wasn't sure what to say. How could she say that ever since she ran into him by the lake, she'd been thinking more and more about their old friendship, that she was remembering less and less why they were actually not friends anymore. How could she tell Alice that the reason for her self-impose exile last year was now her tentative friend again? She wasn't exactly sure how to say any of that without sounding either desperate or like a total loon.

Alice just continued to stare at her with those soft brown eyes, damn Alice and her eyes. “You gave me next to nothing in your letters about what's going on. I demand answers.”

“Fine,” Lily sighed, leaning back against the booth in defeat. “What do you want to know.”

“Let's just start from the beginning. How did all of this even start?” The curiosity in Alice's voice was heavy, it must've been driving her crazy not knowing any of this. 

Lily played with the rim of her glass, going back and forth between looking at her best friend and the glass beside her. “Petunia and I had a row, I stalked off to the lake that runs between our houses and he was sitting there.”

“By himself.” Alice injected.

“Yeah? So, we just... started talking and it was, sorta natural, like even though it was awkward, it was also normal, you know?”

Alice nodded, “So, how did you guys start hanging out, then?”

“I asked to see him again. He said yes.”

“You asked him?” Brown eyes skeptically met hesitant green ones. “I thought we were still on the 'Snape's an asshole' bandwagon, when did that change?”

She sighed, “I don't know what happened, Alice. We were talking and it just felt right. We talked about everything, he's... different now. So am I.”

Alice nodded, that empathetic look on her sweet face. “I get it. I understand.” She leaned forward a bit, closer. “Whatever makes you happy, Lily. You know that I never cared about any of that garbage Mary and Marlene spout out. Neither does Emme. If you wanna be friends with him again, go for it.”

Lily looked down at her glass again, unable to keep her friend's gaze. “I don't know what I want.”

Alice leaned back and nodded, “Okay, then. Figure it out. Either way, I don't really care. I won't bother me if you decide Severus is back to being not an asshole. I always sorta liked the bookworm.” She smiled a tad affectionately. 

Lily managed a small smile at her friend. “You're really awesome, you know that, right?”

Alice beamed and tossed back her hair in an over dramatic fashion. “Yeah, I know.”

They chuckled and the air between them settled. Lily felt better about getting that off her chest, she still needed to tell Alice about James, about the odd new wisps of somethings that stirred inside her for Severus, but first, she had a question she needed answered.

“Alice, did you ever notice Severus...” She couldn't seem to find the right words. How did she say, did you ever notice if Severus had feelings for me? If he looked at me funny, if you noticed he wanted me? It all sounded conceited and annoying.

“The fact that Severus Snape was basically in love with you? Yeah, I noticed.” 

The way she said it so casually, as though it were old news, boring even, threw Lily for a loop. Maybe it was old news. Old, boring news that no one cared about anymore except for her.

“You think he was in love with me?” Lily questioned, almost skeptically.

Alice sent her a look that prompted a Seriously? in her gaze. “Uh, yeah, Lily. We all thought that.”

“Whose we all?”

“Everyone with eyes.”

What the actual fuck?

How had she not known this apparently very obvious piece of information?

“For a while, I thought you might've liked him too.” Lily's eyes shot up at Alice's words. “But, you never said anything, so I never knew for sure.” Lily was still mulling over the words in her mind, leaving it silent between them. “Why?” Alice questioned.

“Just something my sister said. It made me think. I honestly didn't realize it had been that obvious. Clearly I had been stuck in the friendship bubble, unnoticed.”

The blonde shrugged, “Happens to the best of us.” She casually took a sip of her drink. “Remember when Finnegan Belle had that massive crush on me in Fourth year and I had absolutely no idea? I just kept letting him borrow my notes and laughing at his jokes, completely clueless to the fact that I was definitely, unconsciously leading him on.”

“Yeah.” Lily sighed, still tangled up about the whole thing. “I remember.”

Alice eyed her wearily. “Is there something else the matter?” She asked gently. “You seem like there's something else on your mind.”

The whole James thing was weighing heavily on her mind. With Alice sitting in front of her all casual-like, she just felt like screaming it. She hadn't even realized that she had actually said the words outloud until Alice's face turned shocked.

“Excuse me?”

Fuck.

“I slept with James.” She repeated.

“Yeah, I heard that part. Uh, why, may I ask, did you sleep with the guy who was on the 'He's an asshole' bandwagon long before Snape?”

Lily dropped her head to the table, letting out a heavy breath. “I don't know.”

“I'm gonna need some deets here, Lil. You can't just drop a bomb on me and expect me to figure it out.”

Lily didn't lift her head from the table when she responded. “I don't know. He was being... nice. Which, honestly, should've tipped me off. It was just something that happened. I feel kind of embarrassed about it the more time passes.”

“Well, that's unfortunate, Lily. I'm sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So, you would change it – if you could?” Alice's voice was light, but curious. Clearly not trying to hurt her friend's feelings, but desperately attempting to navigate this new landmine.

Lily brought her head up to look at Alice. Her gentle brown eyes light with curiosity. “I don't know.” She shrugged. “Maybe this was always the way it was suppose to turn out.”

Alice gently shook her head, “Well, I don't know about that.” She copied Lily and shrugged a shoulder. “Who knows how life's suppose to turn out. I don't think the fact that you slept with James Potter is the end of yours. You don't have to let your mistakes define you, Lily. You'll be known for your hits, not just your misses. And, who knows,” She smirked, the glint in her brown eyes was not lost on Lily. “Maybe you have something better waiting for you to get home.”

-0-0-

He was perched against a tree, deemed his tree long ago, book in hand, quill in the other. Lily was somewhere to his right, rolled on her stomach, writing out equations in pen on lined notebook paper that she'd transfer to parchment later. 

The sight made him smirk, Arithmancy casually being unriddled on muggle paper. It was laughable. He only lightly pointed it out, knowing it could potentially be a touchy subject. Lily had only rolled her eyes and flipped him off, that small smirky-smile in place at the corners of her lips.

He couldn't help but let his eyes travel her, notice those things about her that he had in years past, couldn't stop his gaze from wandering over her features and highlighting the things he thought beautiful. She was beautiful, most thought so, her face generally pleasing, her bright eyes almost otherworldly were the main focus of people's attention. He thought they were beautiful too, one of the most beautiful things about her. 

But, it wasn't only her general visage or her eyes, it was the freckles that marred her otherwise perfect skin, the slope of her lips that naturally turned down in a frown, the fullness of her cheeks, the small scars that never faded from her long legs as children.

It was her imperfections that made her perfect, that made her Lily. She wasn't some beautiful, untouchable figure here in the forrest. No, here she was just a girl with a deep scar on her knee from the cat that had technically been Petunia's, but had been commandeered by Lily as a child, and freckles on her shoulders that easily mapped out constellations. 

Here she was a girl who jumped in the lake frequently, laughed loudly and without restraint, a girl who did her magic homework in pen. She was reachable here, not so far out that he couldn't even think about grasping her. 

Maybe it was the timing, because while she had always seemed more real here than she had at Hogwarts, there was something different about it now. There was something different between them now.

His feelings for Lily had never been a secret, maybe to her, but, never to him. He wasn't quite sure when he had fallen in love with her, when it had transitioned from fantasy crush to the real deal, but it had. 

There was a time within the last year that he had felt disconnected from the emotions he felt for her, the sting of her loss mostly overshadowing everything else, but he remembered not feeling for her as much as he had.

Now, though, now that they were here... it was different. All of those feelings came rushing back harder than before. He wanted her, probably more than he wanted anything else in this moment. She was doing nothing particularly forthcoming or sensual, but, he wanted her as she laid on the forrest floor of their hidden spot, casually doing schoolwork in her summer clothes.

She was beautiful.

He wanted her.

Lucius' words trailed up into the forefront of his mind like smoke, swirling around yet ungraspable. He had six months. Six months to do the one thing he had been afraid of since he was eleven.

But, things were different now. There was a new air between them, pushing along with the old. Prior to their fight, he never would have even contemplated doing this, wouldn't even have humored it in his mind. They were older now, though, and it showed.

The past year had been a growing experience for the both of them, they were kids, barely legal in either society, but their argument had matured them in a way. They separated and came back anew – it was the fact that they came back at all that astonished him.

Then, there was James.

Just the name brought that fire up and pricked at his skin. Potter had swooped in when they were most vulnerable, and took what he wanted. Nobody ever truly thought Potter and Evans were good for one another – they were too hot, too volatile, like stars colliding, creating a big black hole – but, they were the perfect candidates on the outside. Beautiful, well liked, popular, Gryffindors. It made sense, Severus got that, but he knew better than anyone what they were both really like. He wasn't surprised it hadn't worked out between them. He was surprised that it happened at all.

It bothered him. He wouldn't deny that. He probably would never be able to get that out of his mind when he looked at her. Maybe he would.

Her virginity was not important to him, what did he care if she was an innocent or not? This wasn't the medieval era, women weren't prided based on their virtue. It was the fact that she had chosen James Potter over him. That she had let his worst enemy outside his own home lay claim to her. It was a pride thing, it was personal, it was stupid, he understood that.

It hurt because she had chosen him. It hurt because she would never choose him. It hurt because might have, if he'd given her the chance.

He'd never told Lily how he felt about her or anything else, most of the time he was positive she didn't even think he liked her at all. He was guarded, he was damaged, he wasn't the bright shining star that her chosen was. He was quiet, and introverted, and angry. He wasn't good at showing his feelings, he wasn't good at keeping his mouth shut when he was angry, he wasn't good at keeping it open when he wasn't. He wasn't good at a lot of things, and he knew that.

He may have been hard to read, secretive even, but she knew him better than most. He wished this all could be so much easier, he wanted nothing more than for her to just look at him and understand, to know. Then, he wouldn't have to put himself out there, to say anything.

But, that wasn't how this worked and he knew that. He was going to have to tell her, if not to be with her, than at the very least to move on.

He wouldn't pretend that she would return his feelings wholeheartedly, he knew she hadn't felt for him that way. Maybe when they were younger and the tingle of a crush was on the edge of her subconscious, but he didn't know when that had faded – if it had even been there at all. Sometimes he couldn't read her as well as he claimed.

There was something different now, though. Something in the small upturn of her lips, the directness of her gaze, it was something he couldn't quite read, but knew that familiar feeling he got from it. For whatever reason, there was a chance now, and he wasn't going to miss it this time.

No matter how much it terrified him.

He heard her sigh and his eyes were brought up from where they had been spaced out by the lake, over to where she was laying. He followed up the length of her bare legs, over the curve of her rear, up her spine, to the width of her shoulders covered by strands of shinning red hair. Her profile was strong, the cut of her jaw, the gentle slope of her nose, the length of her lashes. He wondered if she could feel his gaze on her the same way he felt her's, did her skin prick with heat? Did goosebumps arise over her skin?

He wondered.

She sighed again and rolled onto her back, stretching out her spine, giving him a delicious view of her body casually covered in cotton and denim. The curve of her breast, the flash of pale skin from beneath her striped boys top, the way her long body arched and froze as she stretched. It made his breathing hitch and length twitch. 

Sure, he had dreamed of other girls, he was male, he wasn't exactly subconsciously programmed to think about only one girl. But, that didn't mean that most of the time it wasn't her that flashed behind his eyelids when he tended to himself. She was the first girl he had ever thought about kissing, and then as he grew older, fucking. He wanted her, the only problem was if she wanted him.

“God, my ribs fucking hurt.” She was holding her ribs as she laid on her back, breathing in deeply, causing her breasts to bounce sharply, pushed up from her hands. He looked away, feeling himself begin to harden. “I always forget how much it hurts to lay on your stomach for a long time, and I do it anyway.”

He “hmm”ed in response, looking back down at his book that he hadn't read any of this whole time. 

Lily looked over towards Severus from where she laid on her back a few paces away. She could feel his gaze on her, the way he use to when they were younger, his eyes traveling her skin, taking his time. 

When she was younger, she thought nothing of it. She looked at people all the time, glossing over their features with her gaze. But, Petunia's words crossed through her mind, Alice's from earlier in the day flashing before her eyes. 

Did he like her? 

Apparently everyone had thought so. She would admit that in Third year she may gave had an inkling but dismissed it quickly in favor of friendship. But, now? Now things were different. 

Did he like her? Did he have actual feelings for her, or was it all physical attraction? 

She let her eyes rake over him his broad shoulder, long limbs, the length of his nose, the elegant arch of his brows, those downturned pouty, lips, his forever intense eyes. He wasn't ugly, not in the least. She'd always found him rather appealing. She never understood her classmate's view of him – the slimy, greasy, git that made them rather kiss the Giant Squid. 

Sure, he wasn't James Potter handsome, or Sirius Black sexy, or even Remus Lupin cute – it wasn't lost on her that all the “socially acceptable” guys were Gyrffindors – but he was attractive all the same.

Those dark intense eyes of his had always made her hear beat a bit faster when he connected them with hers in that certain way, the strong cut of his jaw was more than appealing, the pale column of his throat, those shoulder, his wit and sarcasm, even his intelligence was hot. 

If she was being completely honest with herself, there had been a time when he had made her heart beat faster and a smile spread easily, there had been a denied crush years ago. But, what did that mean for the present?

It was obvious there was something more between them than either was letting on. Hey weren't friends anymore, despite their pact to start anew. They held no ties to one another right now, they weren't bogged down by their past relationship. Her sister's words ran through her ears, Alice's passed through her mind. 

Did she like him?

That was the real question in all this.

She watched him as she sat reading, his hair tousled and thrown over one side, leaving his face exposed to the sunlight and her wandering gaze. It was such a normal sight, one that she wouldn't even think twice of. It was something that burrowed deep in her mind and brought up memories of different times he'd looked exactly the same. 

They were growing up, growing apart, maybe even growing back together. She couldn't be sure.

The question lingered in the forefront of her mind heavily.

She stood then, quickly almost, catching his attention. She didn't like the way her thoughts were weighing down heavily in her mind, she didn't want to think about these things, she didn't want to think about anything. All she wanted was to be around Severus and maybe begin to mend what needed mending. 

This was their last summer before graduation, before rushing into adulthood and whatever that held for them. She wanted to bask in what was left of the sunshine before school overtook them, she wanted playful laughter and quiet afternoons. She could get answers to her questions later, right now, she didn't care.

She began to strip off her shorts, the offending material took forever to dry and rubbed her skin raw when wet, she knew better than to swim in them. Severus looked up as her shorts fell down her legs and landed on the grass, she kicked them off and began toeing off her shoes.

His brows furrowed as he watched her, the heat of his gaze running across the newly bared skin was not lost on her, but Lily didn't dwell on it as she moved to the edge of the lake. “What are you doing?”

The sigh in his voice made a small smile appear on her lips as she looked over at him where he still sat against the tree. “What does it look like?”

They had swam together all the time growing up, he had seen her in a bathing suit before, her bare legs and hips should be no different. But they were, and he knew they were.

He couldn't help but eye her long legs and up to where they met her hips, the flash of polka dotted underwear that covered her center shouldn't have thrown him off, but it did. Her t-shirt was still donned over the top half of her, he wondered if she would take that off too. He felt the wave of warmth wash over him like a warm bath, starting at the crown of his head and spreading down. 

Overstimulation and heavy arousal were things that he'd grown to associate with Lily Evans, he just hadn't felt them in a while. It also didn't work well for him when he knew she was beckoning him into the water with her.

He watched as she sidled right in, sinking under and popping back up with sunken ponytail and waterlogged lashes. She smiled at him in that way she always smiled at him when she wanted him to do something he may not have particularly wanted to do. Like go swimming. It was hot out, yes, he did seem to be wearing far too many articles of clothing and the cool water would feel nice, but being playful with a wet Lily always lead to hidden arousals and a hefty wank session once he'd returned home.

But, that look was powerful and soon he found himself rolling his eyes and huffing as he stood from his spot by the tree, shrugging off his button down and debating if he should leave his jeans on or not. He found himself emptying his pockets and walking into the water, pants and all.

Lily just smirked at him from where she was wading in the water, sighing at the coolness compared to the hot heat that summer offered them. He had to admit, it was rather nice, he hadn't gone for a swim in years.

“Are you excited?”

Her voice rang out over the quiet that had enveloped them, her turned to look at her from where she floated, her breasts pushed out in the position, causing his eyes to linger there momentarily. “For what, exactly?”

“This being out last year of school.” She answered, staring up at the bright sky as she floated on her back a few feet away. “Are you excited?”

He thought on it for a moment, was he excited? Perhaps he was, with school over he could finally start doing things that solely interested him, the bonus would be never seeing half of their class ever again. But, maybe he wasn't. Graduating meant leaving, and as much as he couldn't wait to leave Spinner's End, a part of him never wanted to leave this place, where they currently resided.

Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe not all of him would leave, maybe a part of him would stay here in this place, never leaving because it couldn't. Perhaps there was a part of him that was still that child, that would never fully grow up and move on. Looking at Lily, he realized maybe that wasn't so uncommon.

“I don't know.” He glanced over the clearing where their belongings sat, where they had essentially grew up. He looked over at the small isle that sat in the middle of the lake, at Lily herself. “I suppose so.”

“Yeah,” She answered with a bit of sadness in her voice, those green eyes watching the clouds. “Me too.”

This year would be a culmination of many things, it may just even be surprising. But, he realized, he wasn't so sure of himself as he was at the start of this summer. He wasn't sure if he should mark that down as good or bad. 

His gaze once again drawn to Lily, he still couldn't decide. Lucius' words ringing out in his head. He sighed, he had a lot of work to do this year and not all of it for top marks and a good apprenticeship.

**Author's Note:**

> TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS, GUYS.


End file.
